


No shit Sherlock ?

by SunlightOnTop



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: A real one, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Dark Humor, Dealing with life, Depressed Lee Felix (Stray Kids), Depression, Everyone is bad a feelings and needs a hug, F/M, Healing, Humor, It's going to be okay, Lack of Communication, Lee Felix (Stray Kids)-centric, Lee Felix Needs a Hug (Stray Kids), Lee Felix is Bad at Feelings (Stray Kids), Lee Felix is strong, M/M, Platonic soulmates Jilix, Psychologists & Psychiatrists, Sarcastic Lee Felix, Sexual Humor, Suicide Attempt, Verbal Fight, learning to love yourself
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-23
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-05 10:49:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 22
Words: 53,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25469560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SunlightOnTop/pseuds/SunlightOnTop
Summary: Felix doesn't remember the last time he really had a good laugh. He doesn't remember the last time he smiled or even the last time he felt loved and warm. He only recalls the presence of his bottle of vodka by his side.A story where Felix will understand how to live again and to love himself.
Relationships: Bang Chan & Lee Felix, Bang Chan/Original Female Character(s), Han Jisung | Han & Lee Felix, Han Jisung | Han/Lee Minho | Lee Know, Hwang Hyunjin/Lee Felix, Hwang Hyunjin/Lee Felix/Seo Changbin, Hwang Hyunjin/Seo Changbin, Kim Seungmin & Lee Felix, Kim Seungmin/Yang Jeongin | I.N, Lee Felix & Lee Minho | Lee Know, Lee Felix & Yang Jeongin | I.N, Lee Felix (Stray Kids) & Everyone, Lee Felix/Seo Changbin, Matthew Kim (BM) & Lee Felix
Comments: 154
Kudos: 333





	1. I

**Author's Note:**

  * For [malorymayryan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/malorymayryan/gifts).



> Welcome to this new story dear readers!
> 
> It's a special story for me and my soulmate, that's why I want to give it as a gift for her. It has a special place in her heart and in mine too, I really like this one and I hope you will like it as much as me!
> 
> Please be careful and take care of yourself, this story has some sensitive topic such as Depression, Attempt at suicide, Alchohol and all. Read the tags! 
> 
> I hope you'll enjoy this story as much as me and my soulmate!

“G’night guys! Ready to party?” launches happily Christopher, a bottle of beer in his hands.

Seungmin and Felix are just behind him, entering the nice and cozy flat of Matthew. It was always a pleasure to be here, it reminds them of good memories of multiple parties and fun nights. At least, for the eight of them, it’s the case. Felix is not really sure what he remembers now, other than the coldness and lonely roof. Not like he really cares. 

“Always! Oh, you bring beer? Nice man!” Matthew smiles brightly at his best friend, urging the three of them to enter the flat.

Seungmin goes straight to Hyunjin and Jeongin, sitting between the two boys on the old brown couch. Christopher and Matthew chat animatedly about alcohol and food. Felix wet his lips, keeping his hood and his hands in his pockets, going straight to the kitchen. The first step of the mission: get the vodka and a bag of chips. 

He’s almost happy to reach the cupboard where a ton of alcohol is present. It’s like his personal paradise. He needs to be on his tip-toe to achieve his goal, and he nearly wants to pat himself on the back to nail this. He moves to another cupboard, getting a family size bag of chips. A little smile begins to make its way on his lips.

At the last moment, he decides to take another bag of chips. He feels particularly empty tonight, better to have more. And he will not have to go down again and see the disgusting making out between Changbin and Hyunjin. Felix frowns at his thought, feeling again this sharp pain in his chest. Damn, he was happy a second ago. 

He rolls up his eyes at himself, closing the cupboard and getting out of the kitchen, passing by the living room. He’s not expecting someone to react, they never pay attention in general. Being nine is overwhelming. And it’s not like he’s the most talkative one there. Or maybe he’s just trying to found an excuse as to _why_ no one pays attention. Another sharp pain, this is going to be a fun night.

“Are you going to drink again by yourself?” The sharp comment reached his ears but he didn’t get that it was for him right away.

He stops in his tracks when he hears nothing, understanding only now that it was directed at him. He turns, not bothered by the sharp comment, plating his beautiful hazel eyes into a dark one. Hyunjin looks right at him, his arms folding in his chest, waiting patiently for an answer. Felix doesn’t even react, opening slightly his mouth.

“No shit Sherlock?” He doesn’t wait for the prince to answer, opening the door of the flat and closing it slowly.

His throat feels dry, his heart is hurting and the void in him seems to be bigger day by day. Felix sighs for himself, thinking about his loneliness and sarcastic self. Who wants to be alone with an emo lavender boy? 

  
  
✨

Felix loses the count of how many times he shed tears on the roof. It seems to be forever since he came here to drink and eat by himself. He thinks of bringing a pillow, maybe one or two plaids. But he’s better with his bottle of vodka and his food, alone on the cold and hard floor of the roof. He swallows the lump in his throat, taking another gulp of his bottle. He needs to savor it, after all.

It’s maybe around two in the morning that he begins to feel a bit tipsy. He just finishes the first bag of chips, arching a brow at himself. He looks at the empty bag and it reminds him of his poor person. That’s when his eyes let out big and hot tears who fall hard on the floor. With the light of the moon and the city, it looks like a tiny bit of sparkle fell off his eyes.

Maybe this is why the pit of light in his eyes is disappearing day by day. They follow his tears. He asks himself what will happen when there will be no more light in his eyes. He never really thinks of tomorrow, always living in the present. But now, right now, he tries to think of tomorrow.

“Damn, I have nothing more.” He mumbles pitifully, until he sees the second bag of chips, smiling dumbly.

He was only a bit scared, because he doesn’t know what he will have done if he didn’t have another bag of chips. But he forgets soon enough, gulping from his bottle of vodka and starts on his second bag of chips for the night. 

Around five he drank the last drop of his bottle. He lets himself fall on the hard ground, looking straight at the sky. It seems less dark than previously, the sun will probably set up soon. He just wishes for it to never go in the sky again. A chilling breeze hit him and he didn’t even shiver. Since when he stopped feeling the coldness? 

He must have closed his eyes and fallen a bit asleep. When he wakes up, he doesn’t feel really tipsy. His eyes are heavy, he feels tired. Lack of sleep or of Life? He doesn’t know. He sits up slowly, looking at the empty bags and the bottle. Time to go back to hell.

  
  


✨

He opens the door of Matthew's flat, nearly grimacing at the nice warmth and joyful voices of his “friends”. Even saying this in his head sounds false as fuck. He should think of something else then. He walks casually, like a shadow, and finds himself behind Christopher. He throws away the bag of chips, looking at the cup of coffee in Matthew’s hand. 

Why is he nice suddenly? Felix wants to smack himself in the head. It’s Matthew, of course, he's nice. He was always nice. He rolls his eyes for himself, taking the cup and muttering an acknowledgment at the older boy. He drank a tiny gulp of coffee, preferring the sourness of the vodka.

“You drink the whole bottle by yourself?” Christopher sends him a scolding glare.

“No, I drank with the five people in my head.” He stopped for a long time to try and control his sarcastic comments.

“Felix. _You know it’s not good to drink this much, you will turn alcoholic at this point mate. Now come here and eat brekkie._ ”

Felix looks at him dumbly. His brain needs a lot of time to process the change of language, being still blurred because of the tiredness. Or the alcohol. Or maybe both? Surely both. He should stop thinking and opting to answer.

“Why are you talking in English suddenly?” It’s not even a question. He looks at the table and takes his favorite bread. “I’m not alcoholic. Or maybe I am, not like a care.” 

Christopher frowns again, sighing loudly. It brings the attention of Seungmin, who made eye contact with Felix. The chestnut boy’s eyes seem full of worry, and Felix didn’t understand why. He shrugs, taking the whole bread with him, ready to go out of the flat.

“Why are you eating only bread?” Minho asks, eyes tired and red because of the alcohol. Felix arches a brow at the stupid question.

“Only fancy thing in my life.” He shrugs again, making his way to the door again. A hand stops him, making him turn to look at the person.

Seungmin is looking right at him, gaze still full of worry. It makes him uneasy, he loves the younger deeply. It’s like the only one who could be alone with him without Felix feeling awkward or in another dimension. But right now, it feels like a big barrier separated the two of them. 

“Lix.” Seungmin’s voice is sweet and low, smoothing even. “Are you okay?”

Felix really takes the time to answer. His brain and mind are blurred and stopped to function properly around four in the morning. And they kept asking him questions. He blinks, furrowing his eyes. Is he okay? What is that shit again?

“The usual.” It’s the only answer that he can think of right now.

“And what is the usual?” Seungmin is arching a brow at him, making him even more strange to his own eyes.

“I don’t know.” 


	2. II

It was raining tonight. He didn’t have an umbrella. Life sucks, but what’s new here? Felix is currently on the brown couch, in the corner, far away from everyone. His hood is once more on his head, his left hand in his pocket. He’s scrolling through twitter, without really paying attention to people around him. 

He feels a weight next to him and a hand on his knee. He represses a grimace, the touch is burning him. It’s been too long since he properly got affection from someone and his body copes the best way it could. Having someone posing his hand on him makes him almost sick. He moves his knee, meeting the doe eyes of Jisung.

“What?” His ton is less harsh than what he thought. He looks blankly at Han, waiting.

“I don’t know what to do with Minho…” Jisung begins his speech and Felix zones out.

What the fuck is he doing? Since when Felix is the master of love? He snorts at himself. It was the stupidest joke ever. His love life is a fucking _disaster_. Being in love with one of your best friends who loves someone else is shit. It hurts, it’s disgusting, it’s desperate. Just like him. But the point is not him right now.

“Why are you talking to me?” Felix cut Jisung in the middle of a sentence, he didn’t even listen to him.

“...Okay, nice of you. Because you are my friend?” Han is arching a brow and Felix could see the glint of irritation in his eyes.

Friend. The word seems like a joke to him, and feels false. Friend. Felix sincerely wanted to be friends with Jisung, he loved the boy deeply. They have common points too. At the beginning, people loved to joke about him being his twin. But what shit is it now?

Jisung is close to Hyunjin, way much closer to him than Felix. And where is Hyunjin right now? Oh, right. Sucking off Changbin’s face. _Perfect_. Felix really needed to see that. The painful feeling is back again and it’s crushing his chest.

“Wait until Hyunjin is available.” Answers blanky Felix, getting up. “Where is my bottle of vodka?” He mumbles for himself, searching for it.

“Damn Felix, what is wrong with you?” Han is upset, now. Seems like a fun night again.

“My whole life?” His sarcastic jokes seem to not please the boys, all the attention is on him now. “Ah found it.” He almost smiles when he takes his bottle of vodka.

“Seriously Felix, what is wrong with you?! Why are you always by yourself and without us?! Why did you stop rapping?!” Felix doesn’t like the way it’s going. 

“It’s not like I’m good at it.” He shrugs again, pouring the sour alcohol into a glass. “Not like I’m a good company either. Or even good at love. Now that your best friend is free from eating the tongue of his boyfriend, talks to him.” 

Felix nearly jumps when he hears the angry scream of Jisung, who gets closer to him. He rolls up his eyes, drinking the whole cup. He doesn’t budge either, looking at the way Jisung seems to get more angrier second by second. 

“This is not about him!” Well, a little bit. “You really need to stop this Felix, we are not recognizing you! Please tell me, what’s wrong?”

“Why do you even care?” The question is genuine. He really wants to know.

“Are you serious?! Felix, you are my best friend! I care for you! Now just… talk or I don’t know, damn why did I do for you to be this… unbothered by me?!” Jisung is all red now. 

“It’s not about you. And stop screaming.” He rolls up his eyes, taking his bottle in his hand and moving closer to the door.

“ _Did I fucking need to talk English for you to react?!_ ” Felix arches a brow, being lost.

“Oh my God, why all of you switch language…” He grumbles, trying to process the new language. 

“Because you are a fucking shit at Korean!” He hears a gasp from somewhere and he’s sure it’s from Hyunjin and his fucking dramatic personality.

“No shit Sherlock?” He couldn't resist rolling up his eyes, shaking his head. “What’s wrong? Everything. Are you the problem? No. Do I care? No. Why did I stop rapping? Not good enough. Questions?”

The silence is deep and long. Jisung is just looking at him with so much disappointment that it makes Felix feel bad. But what could he say? He already told everything. Why can’t they understand?

_Why can’t they save him?_

He rolls up his eyes again. Opening the door of the flat, he looks at the rain pouring and groans. It looks like he will get to his flat drenched. He slams the door a bit too loudly but he doesn’t care. He didn’t even register that he’s crying and he doesn’t care to be honest. He stopped caring a long time ago. 

At least he has his bottle of vodka with him. It looks like it’s the only thing that he has in life now, and it’s quite sad. But his whole situation is pitiful and sad. So, again, what’s wrong and what’s new?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone!  
> This is the second chapter of No Shit Sherlock and we could see a bit more the dynamics between Jisung and Felix... the first chapter are really not amusing at all, I prefer to warn you!  
> I'll try to post the next chapter faster too, because the first one are shorter.
> 
> I wish you a good night or day, and take care of yourself guys!
> 
> Thank you to have read this chapter!


	3. III

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING!!
> 
> This chapter is probably the most angsty and it makes reference to a suicide attempt. Please, be careful, takes care of yourself and don't read it if it can hurt you.

Felix opens the door of Matthew's flat, yawning. Seungmin is right in front of him and blinks in surprise. He then begins to smile at him, visibly happy to see Felix here. Ah, this boy is really sweet indeed.

“Hey.” Felix gives him a tiny smile, trying his best. 

“Hey. You look a bit tired Lix.” His tone is gentle, his eyes caring. 

Felix knows that well. He stops sleeping well for weeks, the bags under his eyes are showing it well. But does he care? No. He just shrugs at Seungmin, making his way to the kitchen where everyone is. And everyone seems surprised to see him. It’s almost funny to see their faces. 

“What are you doing here?” Ouch. That one hurt.

“Vodka.” He answers, smiling. A sad smile. 

“Wait. Felix.” Christopher turns to him, checking him from head to toe. “Did you color your hair black again?”

“Ah. Yeah.” Perfect timing. 

Felix groans, getting his bottle of vodka and smiling almost happily this time. He nods for himself, turning to the boys. They look at him like he is crazy. Maybe they are getting the fact that he’s a bit off. 

“You're looking for the whole emo thing now?” Changbin arches a brow, joking. 

From all of them, it's him. Felix frowns his eyes, wanting to say that he is not an emo but then he looks at himself and sees that, indeed, he’s wearing all black. He meets the knowing look of Changbin and just shrugs, trying to calm the race of his heart at the older's smile. 

“Well.” He turns to Jisung, giving him his phone. “Can you put Sunshine on it?”

“Why?” The answer is bitter, his eyes still glaring at him.

“I want to listen to it.” _One last time_. “It’s perfect for today.”

Jisung is weak for compliments, so he gives in. He takes Felix’s phone and plugs it on Christopher’s computer to put the song. Felix looks at the bottle of vodka, trying to see if it’s full of if someone already drank a bit of it.

“It’s done. You're going out by yourself again?” Ouch. They won’t stop, right?

“Yep.” _Don’t let me go._ “Bye guys, have fun.” _Please._

Felix could hear them talking again once he’s in front of the door. He really hoped that this night would be different, but apparently he was wrong. Like always. He opens the door, closing his eyes and tries to remember the warmness of this flat.

_Hope is for suckers._

✨

It’s not even that cold. But Felix stops feeling the cold for a long time, so once more… what’s new here? He’s walking calmly on the street, looking at some people. He wants to see all of it shine brightly. 

Luckily for him, everyone seems to shine brightly and to be perfectly set. People are happy, dogs are happy, children are happy. Even nature seems happy. It’s really a perfect day. He puts Sunshine into his ears, appreciating the song. 

_"The boring stories from my head wash away after the fight in my head"_

For a moment, it’s like everything is gone. No more pain, no more doubt, no more sadness. He could almost feel, deep inside, the old Felix. He could picture the smiling boy, the joyful and silly young teenager, the loving and caring adult. Ah, he was a good person. 

_"Now go where I want you to go, you don't have to worry about it anymore"_

He really loves this song. He follows his pace, letting his feets drag him somewhere without thinking. Just listening to the sweet beat. Soon enough, he’s in front of a bridge, no one is around. This is damn perfect

_"Everything around you is in slow mode, everything is quiet. My worries blow up. I entrust myself to the wind."_

The wind is not that strong, but he could still feel it on his face. He closes his eyes slowly, taking a deep breath of the air from Seoul. Life seems to have stopped, he’s alone. Alone in the bridge, with the beautiful and dark waters just under him. 

_"Whatever they say, I don't care, What's so important?"_

He stopped caring for a long time. But he can’t recall when and how. When Changbin told him that he was in a relationship with Hyunjin? He’s not really sure. He remembers feeling his heart break and not being able to move from his flat for one week. But he still cared. What is when Jisung hangs with Hyunjin more than him? Maybe. But again, he’s not sure. He was sad, disappointed, and felt useless. 

Maybe he stopped caring once he realized he was not worth it? Everything seems off. He’s here, without being here. He was kind and sensitive, that’s why people bothered with him. And Christopher loves him, he still cares. Seungmin too. He’s a bit sorry for them, to be honest. But they will get over it.

_"This is a place with quit sound ye ye ye, quiet except for the sound of our breaths ye ye ye_ "

Yeah. It will be a quiet place, no one, just him. But he’s not sure that he will still breathe. But well, Paradise is something he never experiments. Woah, what if he ends up in Hell then? Hell or Heaven… Does he care? Not really. 

_"Everything that hurts me is blown away and fades away."_

He takes another deep breath, feeling almost fragile on the guardrail of the bridge. But soon enough, he forgets everything. The pain, the suffering, the sadness. Again, everything fades away. It’s just him. He takes his bottle of vodka with him, putting a paper in it. He smiles dumbly at himself. 

_"Should I fly to the blue sky where the clouds are swimming?"_

He screams a “No shit Sherlock” before letting himself fall. The song starts again, and he falls violently into the water with the soothing voice of Han Jisung in his ears. What a beautiful ending?

_Did you do a suicide attempt?_

_No shit Sherlock?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... I'm sorry? I hope it was not too angsty for you, but it's very useful for the plot and a real turning point... Once more, please stay safe.  
> If you ever experiment something as dark as Felix, never hesitate to ask for it. You're worth it, remember it. A friend, a profesionnal, anyone able to help you going through your hard time. Takes care of yourself <3


	4. IV

It's peaceful in Matthew’s flat. It's a sunny day, the ray of sunshine making the whole room shine beautifully. He smiles to himself, looking at his friends hanging in his living room. A bit sleepy. It’s just missing a little blackhead.

Christopher grunts, putting the TV on almost immediately. It results in a wave of protestation but he shuts them. He wants to see the interview of BTS in the journal. No one has the strength to fight over the TV, looking without much interest.

Matthew snorts. He's the only one who can walk and function properly after yesterday's party. They were all on edge since Felix seems kinda strange. Well, more strange than usual. They all decided to drink their worries away, not able to find any solution.

He sighs softly, looking blankly at the TV. It’s not even the time of the interview. The information seems good today, nothing special. Oh, they are getting new cases of mafia problems?

“We just found the corpse of a man in the Han river with a bottle of vodka. The authorities suspect a suicide attempt.”

It’s like the time stopped. Not a sound could be heard in the flat. Matthew turns in horror to Christopher, who looks at the TV like it was something from another world. Everyone is frozen in fear, in shock.

The silence is only broken by Jisung, who gasps for air. He's doing a panic attack and no one seems able to react and help him. Until Minho wakes up from his frozen state, holding the younger against his chest and making him breathe slowly.

Soon enough it turns into a chain reaction and Matthew needs to take care of the younger who are more panicked than ever, seeing their Hyung doing a panic attack. Christopher is still looking dumbly at the TV, laughing.

“Calm down, we have no proof of anything.” His smile is fake, his eyes tell how broken he is.

“The bottle of vodka contains the following message: “Did you do a suicide attempt? No shit Sherlock”. We ask people to contact us if you have more information to identify the body…”

It's breaking again. It's like the world is crashing onto them, painfully. Christopher turns white, shaking uncontrollably on the couch of Matthew’s flat. He needs to breathe and to calm down, this is just a fucking nightmare and he’s going to wake up. It’s not possible. In which world it could have happened?

“What… Why? How?” Changbin’s voice is breaking, tears in his eyes. He looks at them, like he’s waiting for an answer.

They're all panicking right now, unable to even think of something to do. They don’t want to process anything, they don’t want to face the truth. What truth? They're no truth. It’s impossible. It’s just a fucking nightmare. Felix is not dead.

They heard the door of the flat opening, turning all their heads in the same movement. Their breaths are caught into their throats, no one is talking. A painful reminder of earlier. Just in front of them stand Felix, drenched from head to toe. Alive.

“What the fuck?!” Minho is the first one to react, falling on the couch with a sigh.

Felix arches a brow at him, rolling up his eyes and he goes to the kitchen, casually. Like nothing happened. Like they didn't have the worst fear of their life. Christopher feels a sour anger getting a hold of him. Enough is enough. He stands up, frowning.

“Lee Fucking Felix. They found a fucking corpse in the Han river with a bottle of vodka! Tell me it was not you!” He's unable to process his words, nor his thoughts. It's just burning anger and distress.

“Well, if it was me I wouldn’t be here.” It almost reassures them to hear the typical Felix. He rolls up his eyes, taking the bottle of vodka on the table.

“Why are you wet man?” Matthew feels something very, very wrong right now. He didn't stop looking at Felix's wet clothes from the beginning.

“Oh that.” He takes the bottle with him, going near the door. “I jumped. And passed out. And wake up in the ground.” He points at the TV, where they're still talking about the corpse. “It should have been me. Seems like even death doesn’t want me.”

“Are you fucking serious?! FELIX WE'RE TALKING ABOUT DEATH HERE! What the fuck is happening in your head?! Do you realize what you are implying here?! Do you want to die?! Can you believe how scared we were?! Damn Felix, we're your friends! We love you, we want to fucking do something!” Christopher screams to the top of his lungs, breathless at the end.

Felix looks at him, almost with a glint of sadness in his eyes. No more sparkle, just blend hazel eyes. No more happiness, but it's been a while since it stopped. Just a tired boy, who seems more break than anything. How can he still be alive?

“I came back, didn’t I?” Felix gave them his unbothered smile, opening the door.

“And what if you don’t come back?” Seungmin spokes, strangely calm even with his shaking body.

Felix turns to him, face still blank. He opened the bottle of vodka, taking a sip of it, still his unbothered smile on the corner of his mouth. He licks his lips, seems to think about something. He shrugs, looking at Seungmin again, dead in the eyes.

“It means it would be too late."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... Felix is till alive, and I let all of you with lot of questions, I know, But I promise that the two next chapter are going to explain a lot! 
> 
> I hope that you liked that chapter, stay safe, drink a lot of water it's hot those days!


	5. V

Felix _shivers_ for the first time in what feels like years. He puts that on his wet clothes. And not on the desperate and angry voices of the boys, who remained in his brain. A part of him wants to hold onto them desperately, begging them to not give up. But the other part is aching. Why only now? Why to this point? 

He knows it’s too late for him. They let him fall too deep. They _abandon_ him. It’s not like he hides things well. Sure, he’s a master at not talking but hiding? Him? He’s like an open book. Why didn’t they do something before? 

The freckled boy is not this sad and lonely child. He’s not this boy full of sadness, of suffering, of pain. He’s not this sarcastic and unbothered Felix. He’s not supposed to be this breaking body, this aching soul asking for liberation. 

He still walks, taking a big gulp of his bottle. Maybe it will stop his thoughts, for once. Stop everything. But Christopher’s raging and hurt voice is still ringing painfully in his mind. The words impregnate themself in his brain.

_“Damn Felix we are your friends!”_

Are they? And what if they still think of him as their friend? What if they care? To the point where they were scared of losing him. But then why did they do nothing? Why did they let him lose himself? 

And what if he just didn’t let them save him? His chest hurts him, it’s more painful than usual. Maybe it’s the realization, of him being stupid. Of something way more complicated and hurtful. Because, what if he had told them? 

What if he didn’t wait to confess? He could have. He had a chance before, not just once. Multiple times and occasions. But he never tried. Maybe, if he had told Changbin how much in love he was with him, things would have been different. 

The day of the announcement of Hyunjin and Changbin’s relationship. What if he had talked to Christopher? Or Jisung? And not only hold onto them like a corpse. If he remembers well, it was the first time he drank vodka. Maybe, if he had taken the opportunity to bring one of them on the roof, he wouldn’t have drunk that first bottle.

If he had called Jisung, answered his message when he was in his flat, crying like a child, what would have happened? Maybe he would have come to his flat. Listened to him. Hold him. Jisung would have been there, wiping his tears. Making him laugh, making him forget.

What if he had asked for help when he stopped getting drunk over vodka? What if he had told them he was getting more and more depressed? What if he had shared his negative and dark thoughts?

And what if he had told them he wanted to jump yesterday? If he had told Jisung “Sunshine is perfect to die.” 

_“We love you, we want to fucking do something!”_

Maybe he was also in fault here. Maybe he focuses too much on himself, and not on the desperate screams of his friends. He’s an open book of suffering, but this doesn’t mean that people can _read_ him. He’s like a resume, a resume full of suffering, sadness. But if you want to know what it is about, you need to read. If he talks, maybe it would be different. Maybe, if he stops keeping everything inside a bottle of vodka, it would be different. 

Walking without looking around was also something he should stop. Because when he turned his head, he only saw a car going right on him. He lets his bottle of vodka fall in surprise, his eyes growing wide with the fear. And then, he realizes.

Lee Felix is _desperate_ to live. 

“Holy fucking shit!” The voice is high and unsure, almost scared. “Are you okay? I’m sorry this is the stupidest question ever, sure you're not! I nearly hit you! Oh damn did I hit you?” 

Felix breathes heavily, his two hands are on the bonnet of the car, his eyes shaking with the surprise and adrenaline. He could also feel his whole body shaking. He didn’t realize the car had stopped. He realizes nothing, his brain trying to understand his nearly dying experience. Damn, what a fun way to begin the day. 

“Precious, I think he’s shocked right now, wait a bit.” He feels a small hand touching his shoulder.

He looks at his right, meeting two beautiful navy blue eyes, full of worry. It’s a girl, a little brunet with already white hair. She seems pretty young, however. She looks at him, sweetness on her face, like she doesn’t want to scare him. 

He turns slowly to the left, meeting two deep and dark brown eyes. They're big, even more than Jisung’s. He could see a flash of multiple emotions. She’s small too, blonde and seems ready to pass out. 

He lets his eyes look at the bottle of vodka, who is smashed on the floor in multiple pieces. And it fucking hurts. Because this bottle is broken. Like him. And without knowing why, he burst into loud and hurtful sobs.

“You broke my bottle of vodka!” He shouts painfully, not able to see with the avalanche of tears. 

The two girls look at him, a bit dumbly at first. The blonde girl arches a brow, meeting eyes with the other girl. She blinks at her, like she wanted to ask something but couldn’t talk. The brunet is unable to say something too. Then, both of them shrug and nod.

Felix feels two hands holding his arms, and helping him to stand again. His sobs are not going to stop anytime soon, it’s like his fucking world is break. He really should have been hit by the car. They push him slowly into the back of the yellow vehicle. 

“Look, we're going to bring you to the hospital.” He throws a panicked glance at the brunet, shaking his head. “No, no, I’m going to drive, don’t worry.”

“I’m never driving again.” Mumbles the blonde one, helping him going on the back of the car. 

They're still in the car, no one making a move. They seem to wait for him to stop his unbearable sobs. The blonde girl is nibbling on her lips, not knowing what to do. She holds the hands of the brunet, squeezing it slowly.

“We should bring him to a hospital. You're all wet… takes the plaid behind you.” The other girl nods.

“Market…” Felix forces his voice to function, still crying but more in control, taking the yellow plaid in his hands. “Vodka…”

They both look at each other, before looking at him. The blonde wants to say something, opening her mouth but shutting it out. She seems to be in deep thoughts, like something was bothering her. They locked eyes, and he could swear something happened here. He doesn’t know what, but they surely share something. He could see the way her eyes seemed to scan his soul. 

“We can bring you somewhere else if you want?” The brunet smiles sweetly at him, trying to found another solution to this mess.

“I have nowhere to be.” The lump in his throat seems to grow more and more, awesome. “I just want my bottle of vodka.”

It’s silent for a moment. They both look at him, from head to toe. The blonde one is the first to react, cursing into another language. She shakes her head and sighs loudly, looking in front of her.

“Direction: the supermarket.” 

It’s how Felix found himself into a car, with two strangers and crying his whole heart out. At one point, he gets his bottle of vodka and the two girls decide to bring him to their flat. He doesn’t know why, but he follows them. 

_After all, he has nowhere to be._


	6. VI

Their shared flat isn’t big but it's enough. It's warm and it smells nice, a bit of sugar, pastry, roses, and sun. It's neat and clean, with bright colors, mostly white, pastel yellow, and pastel pink. The couch seems soft, with two plaids on it. One is purple and the other is yellow. Felix doesn’t know if it's a good idea to sit on it, with his wet clothes. 

He nearly jumps when he receives a towel in the face, lowering it slowly. The blonde girl is in front of him, hands on her hips. Her face is neutral, she's just looking at him like she's trying to analyze him. It's a bit scary. 

“The bathroom is there. I got clothes from one of my friends. You need to take a shower and without your bottle of vodka…” She takes the bottle from his hands, looking at the bathroom with a smile.

He blinks, being reminded again of the coldness. It seems that the void in him is even stronger. He feels incredibly empty, he can put that on the fact that he didn’t eat something since yesterday morning. And maybe because he tried to do a suicide attempt. Nah, not that possible. 

✨

After a good and hot shower, he found himself on the couch, the yellow plaid on his lap and the purple one over his tiny frame. The brunet puts a hot chocolate cup on his hands. Seeing something else than vodka seems strange. And it also brings some painful memories of him and his family over Christmas.

Will the warmth help him feel better? Is that even possible? He snorts at his thoughts. Why hoping like a child when it will never happen? Who would want a corpse like him? Surely not Felix. 

“So… mind to tell us your story?” He looks up at the blonde girl. She's calmer, almost seems interested.

“Is that even a story? No happy ending there...” He mumbles, drinking the chocolate and nearly gagging. It's way too _sweet_.

“Because stories are happy now? Why no one told me.” He looks in surprise, surely didn’t expect sarcasm here. “Now, tell us. We're strangers, and we don’t like charity cases. Don’t think we're trying to get good conscious about nearly killing you. Not my style. Now, mind to share your most hurtful secrets? Lovely and I are good at listening.”

He shouldn’t have felt so well there. It feels almost wrong. But he reminds himself of earlier, when he thought about telling the whole truth to his friends. To finally end his stubborn silence. Share his pain. Because he fucking wants to live. 

“Okay. So…” He takes the bottle of vodka in his hands, looking at the table. “My name is Lee Felix. Australian. Soon 20. My life… Can I even talk about life here?” He rolls up his eyes. “I’m… friend? with eight people. Here comes the fuckery. I fell in love with one of them. Like I never did. The whole shit about butterflies, thinking about him all the time, and not only when you wanna jerk off. I fell so bad for him… but he never loved me. Not in that way. He prefers this beautiful boy. Perfect beautiful boy. Perfect rapper, perfect dancer, perfect visual, perfect _everything._ ” He opens his bottle of vodka, drinking a long gulp of it. “It was when the fun began. I let myself drown into dangerous water. I isolated myself, stopped hanging out with my friends. Because the perfect boy was always here. I began to find comfort in lonely and dirty roofs, a bottle of vodka, and a bag of chips.” He needed to drink again. “And yesterday, I decided to stop everything. Because it was too much. I feel empty, I feel alone. I’m not even alive. I breathe, but it’s only that. I feel like the most fat shit ever. So I jumped from a bridge. And you know what?” He laughs, something dark and sad, without good emotions behind it. “Even death doesn’t want me…” 

"Wait... You jumped and you're still alive? What the Pink..." Rei arches a brow, looking at him with curious eyes. He snorts.

"I woke up drenched on the cold ground, I wasn't far away from the bridge. I don't know how I did it. Maybe someone helped me, I have no idea. I just opened my eyes to see that I was still breathing and that my bottle wasn't with me. Then I just... walked. A long time. Until I was near to my friend's house." He sighs, looking up at the girls. 

He expected a lot of things. Cries. Pity. A hug. A pat on his back. Something. But he never expected the brunet to give him a loaf of bread. He looks in total confusion to her. She's silent until now, looking at him, with the kindest eyes ever. She had listened to everything, without missing a single thing. And just like she puts the bread on his hands, he burst in tears, again. 

The blonde just looks at him, drinking her cup of hot chocolate. She puts it on the table, standing on her feet to sit just next to him. She nods at him, at his tears, smiling softly. He doesn’t know why but he reaches at her, falling into her embrace. It’s been so long since he hugged someone for real. 

He doesn’t know how much time passes, because he passes out. He only recalled the hand on his hair, brushing it like his mother did. It puts a bit of warmness in his cold body and heart. Reminding him of Chan’s hand on his hair. 

✨

He wakes up in the middle of the afternoon, lost and confused. What the fuck was he doing here? Oh yeah. They nearly killed him. The blonde one nearly killed him. He frowns, the bright light hurting his eyes. He couldn’t handle too much of it right now. 

“Awake sleeping beauty?” The brunet looks over him, working on her computer.

“No shit Sherlock?” He couldn’t stop his sarcasm self from taking the upper hand, groaning a bit.

“Lee Felix. Do you want to be sarcastic with me?” She gives him The look. He shouldn’t mess up with her.

“Habit.” He sits on the couch, his stomach doing a horrible noise. He only realizes he has a whole soup in front of him. “... It is?”

“For you. No shit Sherlock?” The blonde one looks at him with a smile, sitting beside him. “So. Wanna advice from an almost killer?” 

“Why not. At this point in my life…” He takes carefully a sip of the soup, appreciating the warmness of it. 

“You should stop moping like a fucking emo and get your life back in your hands. You're smart, don’t you? And don’t even answer me with your No shit, Sherlock. I get that you have a lot of communication problems, you seem aware of that too. Are you afraid to lose people? Yeah, No shit Sherlock. You're so afraid that you let yourself be alone. Yet you're desperate for others to be by your side. So you found this bottle of vodka.” 

Felix nearly drops the whole soup on himself, looking dumbly at the blonde girl. He must be stupid with his mouth open and wide eyes. The brunet laughs loudly at his face, shaking her head in the process.

“Precious. You should stop your analysis here.” She puts her computer aside, making her way on the couch next to him. “She’s a psychology student.”

“Why does she know things about myself that I don’t even know?” He mumbles, still trying to process the whole thing. 

“Precious.” She answers, like it was saying everything. He realizes only now that he doesn’t know their names. “By the way, my name is Mae. And Precious is Reira, or Rei.” 

“Oh. I’m Felix,” He says, by automatism, rolling up his eyes once he realized that he already said his name.

“No shit Sherlock?” He throws at the brunet a glare, before sighing a bit. “We're teasing you. But did you think about telling them the whole truth? Trying to get your feelings out of you?”

“Never…” He sighs again, taking his bottle of vodka. “I never tried. Sometimes, I wanted to scream. But I… I never found the strength too.”

“Well, Felix. Do you mind if I call you Angel?” When he only shakes his head with pink cheeks, she smiles. “Perfect. Now, everything is on your hands. Lovely and I can help you, if you want. We can be friends, sisters, mentors, protectors. Everything that you need. But for that, you need to want it.” 

He could feel his heart beat faster, his whole body feels lighter but also heavier. Like something is filling the aching deep void in his chest. Or his body. He doesn’t know. Looking at them, at their smiles, their hands, it makes him want to meet the old Felix.

“Do you think it’s possible? To find my old self?” He can’t recognize his voice at this point, it seems so broke and fragile.

“No Angel.” Her hands are warm, like her dark brown eyes. “You will find yourself.” 

He doesn’t know if it’s the emotions or the words, but it makes him burst in tears again. It feels so weird to give a try to his emotions after all this time. He found himself craving attention, affection, love. Craving to be able to live. He wants to live. 

“This means I need to stop drinking vodka?” Mae laughs at that, holding the bottle in her hands.

“Yes! Step by step Felix. Step by step.” She puts her hand on his back. “At your rhythm. And we’ll stay by your side.” 

“We’re not going to leave you behind.” Rei smiles warmly at him. 

_“Always find me kay? I’m not going to leave you behind.”_

Felix cried even more, understanding a lot of things. Things that he tried desperately to forget, to put aside. For a long time, he begins to trust again in life. This is going to be painful and complicated. It will not be easy, he will surely need to see a psychologist, but it’s going to be okay. After all, he still has his bottle of vodka.   
  
  


And maybe two guardians angel by his side. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone!
> 
> This is it... Felix is going to change, and for the better even if it's not going to be easy! I hope you like this one. 
> 
> Take care of yourself guys! 
> 
> Love on you!


	7. VII

The room is spacious and almost neutral. If it isn’t for the big paint of Turner hanging on the wall just beside the man. Felix recognizes the Snow Storm - Steam-Boat off a Harbour’s Mouth, at least he thinks it’s the name of the painting. As he looks at the person facing him he thinks that he’s probably around forty, with short brown hair, blue eyes, and a beard of three days. He’s wearing a black shirt, perfectly put in his dark pants. 

The man is looking right at him, one pen in hand and a small notebook in the other. Surprisingly, it isn’t too stressful. It’s just odd and unusual. It feels like an age since someone, other than his noonas, looks at him. For real. And it slowly begins to piss him off in some way. It looks like that man can see his darkest secrets and demons.

Felix decides to look right at the painting, admiring the ship sinking into the dark water of the ocean. It’s almost funny to see how everything kept reminding him of water these days. Even if his bottle of vodka is full of liquid, looking like the water he needs to drink every day to stay alive. 

“Nice. The painting. Turner right?” He almost wanted to ask how that man could have bought a Turner but he stopped himself.

“Yes. You like it?” The man looks at him, with a soothing smile. And it pisses off Felix.

“No shit Sherlock?” He couldn't stop himself, biting harshly his lips once he let that slip out of his mouth.

“It’s a yes, then.” He seems to not care at all for his rudeness. “What do you prefer in that painting?” 

“The water. It’s dark. The ship is sinking, it must be a very bad storm. It’s so smoky too. Like no one can see what is happening inside…” Felix keeps looking at the painting, without blinking once.

“Inside what?” The voice almost seems like a whisper, but it’s clear. Felix was just too lost into the painting to get it.

“Me.” He realizes suddenly what had happened, moving his eyes to meet the calm one of the man’s in front of him. “How the fuck did you do that?”

“I didn’t do anything.” The man smiles once more, pointing at the painting. “It’s the painting that makes something resonate with you. And it’s you, who decided to talk. And no one will ever force you to say something here.” 

Something in that man is soothing. Not his smile or his sweet gesture. It’s the way he’s acting. Calm and sure of himself, without big words or movements. Like he’s able to bring security in that room. Felix lets his hands play with the little ball the man gave to him at the beginning of their meeting, looking at the pen and the notebook.

“I have a weird obsession with water and vodka.”

It’s how Felix began to talk about some thoughts he has in mind, using mostly secret turns of sentence to never talk directly of his inner thoughts. But who is he to fool that man? It was quite weird at the beginning, to have someone able to listen to you without any judgment. Finally, it was not a bad thing to listen to his Noonas. 

✨

“So? How was it, Angel?” Reira is smiling brightly at him, sitting on the grass, glued to her soulmate’s side. 

Felix lets out a little groan, feeling completely worn out after his first meeting with his psychologist. He agreed to come back next week. Apparently, they’re going to begin a plan for reducing his drinking and maybe doing some tests to evaluate his mental health.

“Strange. That man has a Turner in his room. Will you be rich once you’ll be a psychologist? Share the money sis.” He lets himself fall against the two girls, snuggling against their laps.

“A real Turner? Are you sure it’s not a copy?” Mae puts aside her book, arching her eyebrow suspiciously. 

“How am I supposed to know noona? I’m not an expert…” He groans again, closing his eyes. He didn’t drink for three hours and he begins to feel uneasy. 

“You seem tired. Quite normal after talking for one hour. Don’t worry, it’s going to happen a lot. So, other than this nice discussion over Turner, who is ready to make your cute ass coming into the Soulmates flat?” 

Mae laughs at the enthusiasm of her soulmate, sneaking one arm around her shoulder to bring her closer. She nudges softly the dark hair of Felix’s hair, making him open his eyes and groaning because of the light. He couldn’t stop the corner of his lips to curl into a little smile, appreciating to be wanted somewhere.

“Me. I just hope you won't get tired of my depressive ass…” He’s joking. Or not.

“Don’t worry Lix. I have Precious by my side for a long time now.” She jokes sarcastically, laughing at her favorite drama queen’s face.

“I fuck you with all my love, Lovely. Let my depressive ass be at peace, you love it when I make sarcastic jokes and ask for cuddles every minute of the day.” The blonde girl pouts, folding her arms in her chest.

“You know I’m joking, Rei. Just to remind our little Felix how whipped we’re for him already, and how okay is it to not feel happy right now.” She pats sweetly his head, smiling down at the boy on her lap.

“Maybe the universe doesn’t want me to die after all, if he brings the two of you here…” He smiles again, feeling a warm sensation in his body. 

“Maybe the water of the Han river doesn’t want you but we do! I can assure you that we’re way more fun than Hell or Paradise. Satan who? I only know a Queen and she’s here.” He couldn’t stop laughing at Reira’s antics, followed by his other noona.

It’s something he appreciates deeply. They’re not trying to make him happy, to pity him in any way. They’re just trying to be here, and to make him feel comfortable with his feelings and thoughts, as dark as they could be. Mae and Reira are seeing him the way he is: broken. And they want to help him.

He feels kind of lost right now, into his feelings. He keeps trying to think he’s better by himself, that no one cares about him. But now, every one of his decisions is broken because of them. He begins to feel that little desire of being close to someone again. To share chill afternoons and nights, pizzas and ice creams, movies, and laughing.

He begins to not feel so cold anymore, to not be so unfazed with the world. It’s like everything was in slow motion and grey for a long time. Like his own body was moving but he couldn’t feel anything. Even the cold. But now, he has that warm feeling in him and he wants to keep it. 

“Yeah, we’re bowing to our Queen!” Mae’s laugh is cute and sweet, like always. 

“Not you Lovely, you’re not. But I wanna make that hot boy fall on his knees…” She gives them a knowing smirk, making another crisis of laughter.

Felix and Mae couldn’t stop laughing at the whole speech about a hot guy in their University. Quite funny that they were in the same one, but never met before. Destiny sometimes, it was weird. Felix just found his breath again, and nearly chokes when he sees a whole group approaching them

“Felix thank God! We tried to reach you for three days!” Chan is almost panicking, and it makes Felix feel weird and uneasy.

“Uh… I told you that I jumped into the river. My phone was with me and… well, I have no idea off where it is right now.” He arches a brow to himself, almost sad about his phone.

“Probably deep into the Han river. Just realize you pollute the river, Angel.” His noona always turns the situation to make him laugh. 

“Noona, not the moment would you?” He snorts at himself, looking at the eight boys in front of him. “Well. Thank you, I guess?”

Felix doesn’t know what to do at all. He feels anxious, uneasy around them. After everything that happened, he realized he doesn’t know how to act with them anymore. He has so much to say but at the same time, he’s so afraid. It’s just not the time but how is he supposed to explain that to them? While they’re so afraid of his well being? How to establish communication again? 

“That’s it? Felix, it can’t continue like this anymore. We’re worried sick about you!” Jisung almost yells at him, his face red and his eyes full of tears.

It hurts. It hurts to see Jisung in that kind of state. But he just doesn’t know what to say to him, to them. He’s so lost himself, how is he supposed to explain things? If only they could enter his brain and see what is going on, it would be easier. 

“It’s sure that screaming will help. Get a grip cutie.” Reira does a movement of hands, standing in front of them with a small smile. “I can understand that the situation is quite stressing…”

“How can you understand? Did your best friend try to kill himself by jumping into a river?” Chan is angry and it’s quite rare to see him snapping at someone. 

“First of all, calm down hottie. Secondly, I almost ran over your best friend with my car so I get that very scary feeling. Third, let’s all calm down and breathe. Like you see here, Felix is not able to have a conversation with eight people. I promise I’ll make him buy another phone and he will answer you. Okay?”

“Wait, wait. Who are you exactly? And did you almost kill him?!” Chan’s eyes are open in shock, his face turning white.

“Oh gosh, he’s surely hot but quite dense. No shit Sherlock? I did. I’m sorry for that, don’t make me feel more guilty than I’m already. So now get out of my eyes before I lose my patience and before Lovely decides to transform you into cat’s food.”

“I’m sorry but we’re here to talk to Felix, not you. And you can’t ask us to just leave with everything that have happened.” Matthew is surely the most calm in every situation, quite scary sometimes. 

“Actually, you’re right.” Mae stands on her feet, taking her soulmate’s hand. “Rei is a bit protective over Felix, and I am too, to be honest, I think we’re all protective of him.”

“I’m sorry if I come up as rude. It’s just that… I can feel it’s not the right moment but you’re right, it’s not my place to talk.” Reira nods her head, looking at Felix. 

“I’m… sorry. Yeah. But noona is right, it’s not really… the moment. Quite complicated right now. But it’s okay. I promise I’ll not try to kill myself.” Felix puts his hands in front of him, before turning his eyes to the side and whispering. “Today.”

“Oh, Damn Felix I’m going to kill you by myself!” If it’s rare to see Chan being angry, it isn’t to see Hyunjin lose his temper. If he ever had one.

“Oh?” Reira blinks, turning slightly to her soulmate and Felix and trying to whisper. “That’s the hot guy.”

“What? Precious, it’s not the moment…” Mae couldn’t hide her smile, even if she tried. 

“What the fuck?” Felix laughs sarcastically, finding it's funny that everyone wants a piece of Hyunjin. “Sorry for you noona he’s eating dick.” 

“Nice. Me and my taste in men.” She rolls her eyes, folding her arms on her chest. “Well, now that you have your confirmation of Felix not dying right now...” 

“Okay, okay. We’re going to leave, but Felix... we need to talk okay?” Matthew sends him a glance, serious.

“I know Hyung. We will. Just… not now?” He tried a smile, but it didn’t work. 

Matthew found the way to make everyone leave, some of the boys sending him pained glances. He almost wanted to cry when his eyes met the dark one of Changbin. He turns his face to the side, not baring to see disappointment and worry right now.

“So… Sure, that blond boy was acting like a dick but he’s really hot as fuck?” Felix groans while Mae laughs again.

At least, he still has his comic duo to make him smile again, to ease his worries, and makes him think that life is a bit cool. Now he just needs to organize his thoughts before preparing for a discussion with the boys. And he already knows how hard it will be.

✨

The sound of the TV is soothing, almost a sort of lullaby for him. Yet, it doesn’t make the feeling of loneliness going away nor fill the emptiness in his heart. He moves slightly from his spot, bringing his yellow blanket over him, hoping to hide, and maybe disappear. If only it could work like this.

It wasn’t a good day. Probably not a good week at all. Maybe even worse than before knowing his guardian angels aka the pair of soulmates. Felix begins to feel again, to have emotions washing constantly over him and it’s painful. To feel. Or just to realize you can’t hide every time. 

He almost wants to smack himself for that. He knew it would be difficult to begin a therapy. It would mean to stop drinking, or more like trying, and to talk about himself. Not something that Felix is fond of. So imagine him talking to a stranger about his weird relationship with a fucking bottle of vodka and the comfort it brings to him?

It’s a part of the process. Feeling too much, stopping to hide, and to try to forget. Confront himself to his worst enemy. Himself. Feeling down, feeling sad, and horrible. It’s something he needs to experiment with to feel better after. And no one ever tells you how hurtful and hard it is.

Healing. It’s almost worse than suffering. But there is hope, and at the end the key to happiness and life. He wants to hope again, he wants to reach the sky. Not to die, but to fly and savor life. Smiling like the sun, laughing without thinking, hugging without being afraid, loving. Being loved.

It’s probably one of his biggest fears. _Love._ It was something he abandoned. He came to a point where he was sure to never be loved. He’s not able to tell who has sympathy, who cares for him now. Everything seems dull and fake. Like a pretty mask that you put on your face for Carnival, to hide the reality, to give you something else. 

Those thoughts are eating him alive. That week was hard, and his mind couldn’t stop his negative flow. He wants everything to stop right now. But he has still a bit of hope in him. He couldn’t bear to make his noonas suffer. Not when they’re always by his side. He doesn’t want to keep thinking like this either. 

He didn’t even realize he was crying nor that his noona were home. It’s the small hand of Reira and the warm voice of Mae that made him connect to reality. And the reality is nicer than his brain. 

They’re here, in their warm and cozy flat. Pastel colors everywhere, nice smell of roses, sunshine, and sugar. He could almost smell the fresh Strauben that Mae brought back with her. Since he met the brunette, he begins to eat sweet things. Him that hated those before, it becomes an essential in his life. 

Reira wiped his tears, smiling warmly at him and almost cooing. It’s nice to not meet worried eyes or pity. Just warmness, tender, and love. No judgment, no big talk. Just a support. He feels safe under their protection. And being with the two of them brings a sense of warmness and happiness in his life. Like he could catch that sparkle of joy flying around him. 

And he just wants to have the same feeling when he’s with his friends. Coming back to those nights when they were all together, laughing at each other. He wanted to have the family he never had. He wanted to feel safe. He knows they cared for him. That Chris, among all of them, considers him like a little brother.

He closes his eyes, enjoying the warm hand on his face, drowning into these nice and positive feelings. Focusing on what makes him want to live, to fight again. Like his psychologist advised him to. 

When he opened his eyes again, he asked them for a big cuddle and a movie night. Mae tripped on the small stair, laughing at her clumsiness, Reira almost jumping in worry at the thought of her soulmate being hurt. If she did a whole act of a drama queen, no one points that. They only laughed their asses off. 

And if Mae ate too much chocolate, even under Reira’s glare, that Felix screamed “No Shit Sherlock'' at the TV, that Reira went back to crying over her single’s ass, no one complained. Because they loved this, they loved every single moment of that night. 

When he went to bed that night, in his warm hoodie, a galaxy lamp shining in the darkness of his room to make him dream peacefully, he smiled. He fell asleep, clutching onto the yellow blanket of Mae, purple, pink, and blue light from the lamp under his eyes. That night, he didn’t drink a single drop of vodka.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... things are slowly moving on, Felix takes care of himself, things are going to get better. But not easier, like you saw (or more read) Felix will have a hard time, but he will realize a lot of things and he's going to go back to his friends one by one... (Oopsie I maybe spoil you a bit)!
> 
> I hope you loved that chapter, take care of you please, be safe!
> 
> Love on you, and see you for the next chapter!


	8. VIII

“Wait. Are you sure this is a good idea? I hate parties with alcohol.” Reira is munching on her bread, looking with suspicion at Felix.

“I can’t ignore them my whole life. I mean… I want to try again, and be there. Chris keeps proposing to me to have a night together again. And… I have this feeling that I have been pretty harsh on them. I just want to do that step, to show them I still care.” He clutched his sweater, nibbling on his lips. 

He looks shyly at the pair of soulmates, who shared a glance at each other. Mae simply smiles, like she’s letting Reira take her decision. The blonde girl just looks at him, eating her bread slowly. Felix is sure that her brain is working faster than him drinking a bottle of vodka.

He jokes about it but he’s doing way better with it. It's just that his psychologist wants him to go step by step, even if normally you stop everything at once. But since it’s a coping mechanism for him, he needs to slowly get rid of it. 

So, even if he mostly stopped drinking alcohol he can have a bottle with him. It seems weird, but it’s reassuring for him. He’s trying to stop that and he will, but for the moment it helps him to go out. He always needs to have someone by his side though. 

“You know you can’t drink your bottle of vodka?” Her piercing brown eyes make him feel small, suddenly. 

“Yes, mom.” He rolls up his eyes, not liking to feel like a child, something that his psychologist pointed out already. 

“Angel. Don’t use that on me.” Reira groans, moving to sit next to her soulmate. “Who knows how it will turn? I just want you to be aware of every risk you’re taking by accepting this. What do you think, Lovely?” 

If he admires something between them, other than their bond and strong love for each other, it’s the way they shared everything. Reira will always ask Mae’s opinion and Mae will always ask advice from Reira. They worked together. He wants that too. 

“I think we can trust Felix. You want to do this, it’s okay. But be sure we’re going to be behind you and be sure you’re following the rules.” Mae looks at him, smiling softly. 

It’s exactly why he needs them with him. He argued a lot with his psychologist about that party. Well, he argued while his psychologist listened and helped him. They came to a point where Felix realized that he wasn’t ready to talk to the boys, even less to have a normal conversation. So, he’ll probably end up on the roof. 

Or like he said, jumping from the roof to kiss lovingly the ground. Not a good idea in perspective. This is why his psychologist proposed to him the idea of bringing the pair of soulmates. To have support, to lean on them if he needed. And to hold his bottle of vodka.

“Yes. I’m aware of it. I want to try. I need to try. Even if it’s a mistake, I need to try.” He didn’t realize how much it meant to him, his whole body was tensed painfully.

“Okay.” Reira seems to have understood it, nodding her head. “We’ll do it. Bear with my complaining about going out, I hate people.”

“And you’re a psychology student.” Mae teases her, making a beautiful smile appearing on Reira’s lips.

“Indeed, I like to punish myself.” She winks at her soulmate, making Felix laugh.

“I don’t know about Hyunjin, but Channie-Hyung has a lot of kinks.” He drops the hint there, sharing a knowing look with Mae. 

The look on Reira’s face was worth it, because it looks like the Universe gave her the biggest gift ever. Mae laughs loudly, smacking the table in the process, making Reira jump. Felix couldn’t stop his laugh at the scene, like always. 

✨

It’s odd to be in front of Matthew’s flat. He needed a lot of time to ground himself to reality. A wave of memories crashed into him, making him almost dizzy. The last time he opened that door, it was for taking his bottle of vodka and confronting them to his attempt to die. 

The last time he opened that door at night, it was to do his goodbye. Hoping someone would have caught his distress and saved him. A familiar tune begins to play in his mind, remembering the soft sound of Jisung’s voice. 

_"Whatever they say, I don't care, What's so important?"_

He shivers, holding his pink hoodie tighter. He decided to drop the black look. If Reira was the one choosing his Hoodie, no one could have guessed. Two hands are on his back, and he decides to take a deep breath. He opens that fucking door, making his black hair going in his eyes for a moment with the gush of wind. 

The first person he meets is Jeongin, who seems to search for his phone in his bag. His eyes are full of surprise when he sees them at the door. Soon, it breaks into his signature smile. And for the first time in a long moment, Felix feels his heart melt. And if Mae gasped, no one said anything. 

“Hyung, you’re here!” Jeongin is on his feet, looking like a giant child. “You bring your Noonas with you? Hi! Nice to meet you. My name is Yang Jeongin. I’m the youngest in the group.” 

“Hi! My name is Mae. But you can call me noona if you prefer, it’s a pleasure to meet you!” Reira rolls up her eyes, smiling fondly at her soulmate. 

Felix looks at the kitchen, hearing the laugh and the conversation going on. He turns his face to his noona, who nods and takes his hand. They let Mae and Jeongin talk, the two of them looking too cute to be interrupted. 

Felix almost wants to hide when he meets the long silence once they stepped into the kitchen. It’s so weird, to feel so scared and to be so aware of his feelings. He isn’t used to it. And he tries hard to see it as a big step in his healing process. 

“When Satan steps somewhere, people shut in silence. Love that behavior boys continue like this!” Reira happily throws that line, holding Felix's hand.

“Princess of what?” Minho is arching a brow at her, detailing her frame from A to Z. 

“You have in front of you THE Princess of Hell, Hyung. Please bow to your dear and wonderful Majesty.” He couldn’t hide his sarcastic self, making Reira smacking him.

“You’re the first one to admit that I'm Satan.” She almost pouts at him, taking a glass from the table.

“No. This is Mae-Noona. I’m just agreeing to have cuddles.” He smiles, patting her head, and almost jumps when she glares at him. “Sorry, Satan.”

“Whatever. You.” She points at Minho, looking at him from head to toe in the same way he did. “You’re handsome.”

“Sorry Kitten, I’m not eating pussy.” His Hyung puts his arms around Jisung’s shoulder, making him choke in the process. 

"I see that you stopped acting like a coward Hyung..." Minho sends him a glare, but it's almost hopeful. Like he’s relieved to hear him talk. 

“Sorry Kitten, my goal isn’t to eat your dick.” She uses the same tone as him, a smirk on her face. 

“Sorry Kitten, you wanted to eat Hyunjin’s dick. A shame he prefers to eat dick too.” Felix couldn’t stop to blink, impressed by the teasing tone, he’s used to the sarcastic Scorpio and Leo but not to the two of them together.

“Honestly, who wouldn't drop on his knees for Seo Changbin?” She gives him a pointed look, drinking a gulp of water.

It makes Minho and Matthew laugh loudly, Changbin chokes and almost dies, Hyunjin is more than red and shy. Felix just wants to hide somewhere, and Christopher looks like he’s going to murder someone. Seungmin only smiles, used to those behaviors. It’s pretty hilarious. 

“I like you.” The statement surprised everyone, except Felix. He knew those two would love each other.

“Be my King then fellow 98 liner and Kitten enthusiast.” Reira winks at Minho, holding her glass.

He decides to not listen, being fixed on the bottle of vodka in front of him. It’s removed by Christopher, who smiles softly at him, patting the empty place at his right. Felix gulps, but shyly makes his way to it, sitting on the edge of the chair still a bit uncomfortable.

It takes time for him to relax, but once Reira throws the first “LIKE MY DICK” the atmosphere seems to be less tense. Eventually, Mae and Jeongin joined them, and it turned into something really funny. He didn’t talk at all, nor laugh. But he smiled, he listened, he stayed.

And if he leans slowly on Chan, if the older puts his arms around his waist in support, no one asks why or says something. 

✨

It was too much at one point. Jisung threw too many glances, Hyunjin was too close to Changbin, Changbin didn’t look at him, Christopher was almost fighting Reira with words, and Mae almost killed him. It was just too much.

Surprisingly, Reira was the one calming the game. Her grip on Chan’s arms have been firmed and her words cold but respectful. Minho kept saying he wants her as a twin and Matthew urged them to not go, but to find a peaceful room if they want.

Felix brings them to the roof. Reira needed a long time to step on it, it was almost hilarious. He took his bottle of vodka and played with it, soothing his nerves. Jeongin joined them to a certain point. Felix even talked with him. 

Mae passed out on Reira’s lap hours ago, and Reira was listening to 3racha because Jeongin kept talking about them. The younger cuddles up to Felix’s side, looking at the sky with his big smile. Felix envies him for that. 

“I’m glad that you’re here, Hyung. I missed you… even if we didn’t talk a lot at the end, I was worried… I just didn’t want to make it worse…” Felix feels a big lump in his throat, looking at the younger.

“It’s okay, Innie. I didn’t ask for help… I let myself destroy every bit of courage and trust. It leads me to avoid every interaction. I was hurt by Changbin-Hyung and Hyunjin being together. I was feeling so out of place, like I was an intruder. I began to overthink every little act. It feels like I was too much for everyone. The last straw surely had been Jisung getting closer to Hyunjin… I turned myself into a mess.” 

“Don’t say that... it sounds like you’re the only one at fault… We should have seen it coming and we should have acted. We should have… Hyung…” Jeongin’s eyes are full of tears and it broke Felix’s heart. “Hyung please… we should have seen your suffering. When you… That day... “ 

Jeongin never finished his sentence and he didn’t have to. Felix is crying, almost sobbing, at the implication of his words. _That day when you tried to end yourself_. He realized what it implies. Jeongin breaking down was the last thing he needed to promise himself to never doing it again.

“Jeongin… Don’t put too much pressure on yourself. This is not good. Just… don’t beat yourself... It was just so complicated? We’re all lost about that situation at this point and I don’t want you to put too much on you. Okay?”

“I know… but I feel guilty. I can’t stop thinking about what could have happened if I reacted differently…” Jeongin looks at his lap, almost in shame, and it brokes Felix’s heart once more.

“With “if” we could redo the world Innie…” He sighs, looking at the sky in wonder. “I did the same, you know. I asked myself: What if… But in the end, I made choices and it led me where I am. And it’s life, we can’t change that. But we can learn from our mistakes…”

Jeongin nods, eyes full of tears and Felix wants to cry too. He feels an urge to hold the younger, hiding into his neck and firmly maintain him against his chest. He would have melted under the touch if it wasn’t for the flow of pain they shared, under the beautiful night sky. 

“I'm working on myself Innie… I’m trying to heal. And to forgive myself among all of the people that hurt me. I’m sorry to have put you in a situation like this… But I can promise you I’ll never stop fighting. I want to live.”

“I’m sorry too, Hyung. I’m sorry to not have been there when you needed me.” The sincerity almost makes his heart explode, feeling that rush of relief. 

He needed to apologize over certain things. At first, he didn’t want to explain himself. But with his therapist, he comes to a point where he understands the situation better. Jeongin is his first step, to be honest. 

He’s the least problematic, the easiest to begin his healing process, to take a step. The relief he feels is so good, it almost makes him feel dizzy. He kept his hold firm on Jeongin, both of them needed this comfort.

Once Jeongin falls asleep against him, Felix takes his time to look at the bottle in his hand. It’s full of vodka, he knows it. And it’s just so tempting to drink it. Like a reward after all he did tonight.

“No, Lixie… you don’t have to poison yourself…” He whispers to himself, literally throwing the bottle of the roof. “I’m proud of myself for tonight. I did well. It was hard but I did well. Well done Sherlock.” 

✨

When he went to his meeting with his therapist, he held on his hand the origami he did with the wrapping of the bag of Chips with Jeongin. He smiled, while explaining that night, and probably cried a lot at all he cost him to come to that point. But in the end, he feels like he already took one more step to his Heaven.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, I hope this chapter was your taste!  
> Big step for Felix... it's going to be more and more guys, get ready! 
> 
> I hope you're all doing goood! Take care of you, eat well, drink a lot and always remember that you can ask for help when you need it! 
> 
> Love on you guys!


	9. IX

Felix is worn out. It’s been two weeks since he decided to dance again. It has been complicated to convince his dance teacher to take him back again. But with Minho’s help, his teacher decided to give him another chance.

Dancing has always been a passion, something he loves to do. Maybe he isn’t the best, but he’s good enough to have a scholarship into Art and a specialization in dance. It’s his safe place, his moment to himself. But he gave up when he decided that life was too much.

It’s been almost two months since he began his therapy and so far, he’s doing good. Alcohol isn’t allowed anymore, part of his healing process. Sometimes it’s very hard to not just give up and drink again. His psychologist advised him to have a safe word, something that made him question the sexuality of his therapist. 

Felix, sarcastic as ever, joked about his famous “Where is my bottle of Vodka?” sentence that he used every time he felt cornered before. Now, he’s using it to warn people around him. And it mostly worked, even if the first time he used it with Jeongin, the younger freaked out and nearly crushed him on the floor.

It was a good memory, it made him laugh a lot. Mae and Reira found them crying over the stress and their laughing session on the floor. They were rewarded with sweets after. It was Mae’s coping mechanism with him. Giving him sweets. Reira is the type to answer with jokes. How many times he heard her saying  _ “Your bottle is sucking my dick and I will make you choke on it if you don’t move your ass to help me cook those fucking gluten-free pasta. _ ”

He’s so sorry over his guardian angels. His girls are so patient with him when they have their worries and problems. But they’re always here for him, listening to his struggle when he needs to share it with them. Jeongin is a good help too, both of them love to be together. Felix needs to make people enter his life again, but slowly.

He’s also used to see Minho often at his house. Reira and him hit off well, to the point where people almost mistaken them for twins sometimes. Felix can swear the two of them are trying to dominate the world. And maybe Hell too. Never put them in one room together, they’ll destroy everyone's innocence. 

Even if Minho is in their flat often they didn’t have the time to talk for real. Felix didn’t talk to any of them except for Jeongin and Christopher. But his Hyung and him are so busy that they're not texting each other a lot. Most of the time it's a simple message to see how the other is doing. He didn’t join them at another party either. He’s not ready, he needed a whole week to be able to function after their last one. 

He wanted to run before learning how to walk again, he realized he needed to take his time. He’s too fragile to cope with all of them, even more with alcohol around him. If Felix begins to feel his emotions again, anger and resentment are a big part of it. Apparently, it’s one of the steps. Facing his anger, accepting it, and overcoming that feeling.

That’s why he decided to dance again. It’s a way to evacuate the flood of feelings, to dance it away, like Reira would say. So here he is, on the floor of the dance practice, drenched into sweat and tired as fuck. He just needs a good shower and to sleep. And taking his medication.

Once he stopped alcohol, his therapist and himself had a whole discussion about his current feelings and way of thinking. It wasn’t a depressive mood, it was a current depression. To the point where sometimes he couldn't move from his bed. 

His psychologist explained to him that it seems like Felix is suffering from depression and anxiety at some point, something that he already realized. He was the one who brought that to their conversation. They evaluate it with the help of a psychiatrist. He goes to him every month to see if they need to make a change in his medication. 

With those fought in mind, Felix stands up, yawning loudly. He tries to blink the tiredness away, but fails miserably. His only goal for the rest of the night is to sleep for a whole week. Or life. 

“Lix?” He almost jumped, looking in surprise at the door of the studio. “I didn’t know you were staying this late.”

“I didn’t know you were staying this late too. You shouldn’t Minnie.” The chestnut boy gives him a knowing smile, shaking his head.

“I can say the same for you. Want to head home with me?” Felix didn’t hesitate, nodding without thinking much.

He wanted to talk to Seungmin for a long time already. He just didn’t know how to do it. Jeongin tried a lot of time to convince him to have a coffee with their favorite puppy, but Felix was afraid of it. He doesn’t know why, since Seungmin is surely the most supportive one there.

Thinking about it, Felix must feel guilty over his friend. Seungmin did his best, back then, to keep him alive and happy. Maybe this is why it’s so hard for him to discuss with the younger. 

“How are you doing with Uni?” Seungmin looks at him, smiling softly while walking out of their building. “Minho-hyung told us that you’re working hard on dancing.”

“It’s okay. I put myself into the game. I don’t care about my grade, I just want to pass this year. I’m doing better.” Felix smiles too, feeling relaxed under the soft gaze of Seungmin. “Yeah, I’m working hard for the showcase… Our teacher is proud of my work so she decided to let me participate.” 

“That’s good.” The chestnut boy looks at the ground, with a sort of happy and relieved smile. “I’m happy for you Felix… You deserve to pass this year and to have that solo for the showcase.”

“I… It’s not a solo either, all first-year pass alone or in groups…” He could feel his cheeks heat up at the only idea of doing a real solo one day. 

“Still a solo. Be proud.” Seungmin sends him a teasing grin, squeezing softly his shoulder. It almost makes him feel warm again.

It’s still odd to walk like this after all this time, like nothing changed. Felix couldn’t stop this uneasy feeling in the back of his stomach, throat tight. The moon is bright and full, making them see perfectly the road. It’s peaceful, and it reminds him of that night with Jeongin, giving him a sort of new strength. 

“Min…” He waits until Seungmin’s gaze catches his eyes, trying to not chicken out. “I’m sorry.” The word felt heavy on his tongue, but it made his shoulders lighter.

“Sorry for what?” The confusion is evident on Seungmin’s face, and it gives him the courage to take his hand, squeezing it.

“For pushing you out when you tried to help me.” He needed to wet his lips, squeezing the poor hand of his friend harder. 

“It’s okay… I mean, I get you had and probably still have a hard time. It was complicated to let people come in. I…” Felix tried to not push him to talk, but the tension makes him anxious. “I was really scared. Tired too. And angry… when… when you tried to… you know.” 

“End my life.” No one likes to say it aloud, but it was the truth. “I hope that one day, I’ll feel angry too. This would mean I don’t want to do it anymore… I can’t say sorry for that. But I feel sorry for you, I know you did your best. And… I realized how much I love you and how much you mean to me. I’m glad you tried so hard to be there for me… Thank you for that, Minnie.”

“Lix, is that a confession?” Seungmin’s cheeks are pink, and his smile is almost shy. Felix chokes on his spit, shaking his head.

“Of friendship! You know I’m not in love with you…” If only he had fallen in love with Seungmin.

“I love you too, Lix.” If sparkles of tears appear on his eyes, Seungmin doesn’t tease him. “And I’m sorry too. I feel guilty in a way, for not having pushed the Hyung to try and talk to you… I’m… thankful, that you didn’t die that night. I think I would have been eating with regrets…”

It makes him realize how much impact his death would have brought. He thought no one cares but he just didn’t want to see it. Dying would have killed them in more than one way and it makes him feel almost guilty. Even if he knows it’s not his fault, he didn’t ask for it. 

He didn’t ask to drown into depression, to feel this bad. And he will never let someone say that it’s his fault. Never. He acknowledges that he shouldn’t beat himself up, but that he needs to try and to understand why he acted like this. 

Still, it helps in a way to know that he’s not the only one thinking about it again and again. He feels kinda bad to put so much stress and worry on his friends. But it’s not for nothing, in a way. Maybe it’s egoistic to think like this. 

“It’s okay Minnie… I think we’re all pretty lost. I accepted it, I wanted to die and sometimes I still want to. But I have hope. And I want to live too. I’ll do my best at living.”

“And I’ll do my best to. Be there, not being afraid of talking… If I need to smack sense into your head I’ll do it.” Seungmin looks at him, serious, and it makes him smile.

“Please do.” Both of them laugh, squeezing with fondness their hands and being closer to each other.

They kept holding hands, talking about lighter things, since they put on the table what they needed to say. Felix wonders if it’s going to be this easy with everyone. His brain flashed an image of Jisung and he knows already that it’s going to be one of the most painful talks. If he ever found the courage to do it.

“What are you going to do for the showcase then?” Felix comes back to earth, nibbling on his lips.

“I… created choreography over one of BTS sunbaenim’s songs.” He only talks about it with his psychologist and his teacher. His noonas don’t know about it, neither Jeongin or Minho. “I choose The Truth Untold.” 

Seungmin stays quiet, nodding his head. He thought about choosing Black Swan first, because it was fitting to his mood and his current battle. But after thinking better, and after doing a whole break down on The Truth Untold, he made his choice.

The Truth Untold isn’t just a reference about his mental health status and his need to hide behind a mask, being full of thorns and looking like a monster. It’s also his confession, about wanting to be himself. He still wanted to live and he still wanted to love.

He still wanted to love Changbin, and that song is the key to his feelings. They never were a secret nor a well-known reality. And he has the feeling that he needs to expose himself, to talk about what he feels deep inside. Even if he's trying to heal, he's still holding onto his chains and his love. But he's fucking scared to do it.

He kept hiding himself behind a mask. He fell in love with Changbin but he kept hiding because he knew he couldn’t let himself love him. Because Felix is damaged, full of broken pieces, and Changbin deserves better. Someone like Hyunjin. But it broke Felix so much, to see him leave. 

“I think… that… he will get the message.” Felix didn’t try to keep his tears this time, freely crying over that statement.

“I’m… still unsure of doing it. I mean... in that way. It’s maybe not a good idea...” Again, they both look at each other with a smile. One crying, the other close to tears.

Seungmin didn't add something, because he must have felt that it wasn't the time. They continue to walk and hug each other tightly once they part ways. Felix feels much lighter, and like the first time, it seems like he did another step. Even if his heart feels a bit heavy, he feels stronger than the day before. 

However, he's still unsure about his performance. Maybe it's better to just forget Changbin and his love, focusing only on himself. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone!
> 
> I hope that everyone is okay! I'm glad to post that new chapter hehe. I just wanted to explain something about Felix's medication: I'm writing this as a psychologist student in France, so maybe it's not the same process in other countries. Just wanted to warn you before!  
> And if you ever need a treatment, please, don't just ask your doctor but a real psychiastist. They're really specialized for mental health treatment... be safe!
> 
> Have a good day or a good night, drink and eat well!
> 
> Love on you guys :D


	10. X

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look at the end notes please.

There are times where Felix can’t move from his bed. Times when only breathing is painful and hard. Time when he just looks at his ceiling from the morning until late in the night. Because he can’t sleep. Times when he just wants to stop everything. 

His brain has difficulties to work, to keep the awful things out of his mind. It seems to be only a repetition of bad words, of negative thoughts. It’s like someone is purring hot acid in your brain to the point where everything hurts. 

He’s in his reality. Everything is blurry and grey. Life is shitty. And he can’t even have his bottle of vodka. Because he decided to be a good boy and to listen to his Noonas. Not drinking is awful. But he just can’t move. So how to get his bottle?

Times when he hates them. When he wants to scream. And he does. He screams, he becomes mean. And he saw the way his favorite brunette looks disappointed and cold, trying to not scream back or to put sense into his brain. 

Reira stays calm. She just looks at him, holds Mae, and points to his room. She ignores him, ignores his anger. And he hates that even more. Because he knows, deep down, that she’s doing that only for his shake.

Most of the time she comes into his room hours after. She strokes his hair, slowly and whispers scolding. He cried every time, trying desperately to explain why he’s like that. But he doesn’t know why he acted like a stupid child. He told her how afraid of himself he's. 

Mae and Rei never let him down in moments like this. To the point where his crises are less frequent and less strong. The anger seems to die down, with time, with talking, with understanding  _ why _ . 

He’s not angry at others, he’s angry at himself. He puts everything on his shoulders, like he’s taking the whole disaster of the world on him. But he doesn’t have to. He doesn’t have to blame himself so much. He doesn’t deserve it.

_ “You need to apologize. Not to your friends or your Noonas. You need to apologize to yourself, Felix.” _

His psychologist never talks too much. But when he does, it’s always to put small words and concepts in his mind. Making him think again and again. Every time, it’s like something is clearer. About himself, about his life, about his mind. 

He’s so sorry for himself. To have been this harsh and mean when he just needed comfort. So one night, he takes the time to look at his mirror in his room. He puts small lights, his galaxy lamp, his favorite plaid and he looks.

For a long time, he stayed silent, too afraid. He was looking at someone else. Like he stopped for a long time to look at his reflection. He needed a moment to see himself again. His face, his jaw, his nose, his lips, his eyes. His eyes made him cry. They were so dull, out of their stars he likes so much.

After a long moment of observing himself, he decided to talk. He apologized. He apologized a lot, explaining things, comforting himself. And he never thought it could feel so great and so right. He even apologized to his body, to have treated it this wrong. 

It seems strange at first. But he feels lighter, he feels more like himself. Like he accepts something. His suffering seems more comprehensible, more treated. Like he embraces it, trying to calm her, to comfort her. It was okay, he's okay. He’s going to get better.

Felix took a paper that night, writing perfectly with a golden pen on that white sheet of paper. He puts it against his door and even adds stickers to it. Every morning and every night he will see those words and will remind himself that he can do it.

_ “You will feel good, you will do great, you will love yourself because you deserve it, Lee Felix.  _

_ No shit Sherlock ?” _

✨

Felix sighs, entering the supermarket slowly. He was feeling a bit better today. He decided to go out, taking fresh hair. And also because he’s craving food. Reira wrote a list of things she needs. She wants to bake a chocolate cake for Mae. Who he was to say no to that?

He wants to cook too. Or to bake. Doing something, another activity. His psychologist thinks it’s good to try things. Felix even jokes about trying to wear a skirt for fun. He also wanted to see the reaction of this man. When he received a smile and a nod, he knew that it’s a good one. He loves to tease him sometimes. To test the water like he said. 

_ “Another reference to water, Felix. I’m not going to drown myself though, don’t worry. I’ll help you swing back if you want.” _

It’s something that he appreciates. That man isn’t stoic. He’s able to tease back, smartly. These words comfort Felix more than a hug. It feels good and secure. Because it's _ real _ , it's honest. It's not too much, it's even raw. And he likes that. 

He doesn’t like the fact that he unconsciously makes a stop to the alcohol shelf. He blinks, looking right at a dozen bottles of vodka. He even found his favorite one. And he doesn’t know what to do. Because he knows he can’t. He doesn’t want to fall again. 

It’s the first time since he’s doing groceries alone. There is no one able to stop him. Even if he tries to scream his safe sentence, aka “Where is my bottle of vodka?” no one is going to understand. They’ll probably look at him like he’s completely crazy and will point to the very real bottle of vodka. 

Felix frowns, looking at the bottle with anger. He doesn’t need someone to stop him. It’s his battle. He has people to support him but they will not babysit him his whole life. Okay, it’s a lie. Reira and Mae will probably do it anyway. 

He shakes his head, closing his eyes, and tries to resonate himself.  _ Do you need that? No. You’re doing great Lixie, I’m proud. It’s going to be okay, you don’t need a bottle of vodka. Drink water, it’s safe and ev-... _

“Lixie?” He jumps, putting one of his hands on his heart, looking frantically at the voice, losing his mind. “You okay?”

Felix blinks, trying to understand how the Universe is functioning. Because it’s super sweet and good to send him someone to distract him. And it works, because right now the bottle of vodka is forgotten. But send him Hyunjin?

“I… uh…” He looks again at the Prince, holding his breath for a long minute. “I think?” 

Hyunjin looks at him with worry, opening his beautiful mouth, wetting distractedly his lips before closing it again. He seems as lost as him, not knowing what to say. The silence is tense, Felix hates that. 

“Hum… Wanna help me to choose a drink?” Hyunjin looks at him with a half-smile, pointing to the shelf with sweet and colorful drinks, far away from the alcohol. 

“Oh Gosh, yes.” Felix moves first, almost running to the shelf, cheeks pink from embarrassment. 

There is no explanation for his heart to beat this fast. Or for the way he looks at the beautiful boy behind him. Felix wants to stop thinking for a second and to put order in his mind and his feelings. Right now it’s a mess, but what’s new or surprising? 

“I’m… Americano is good but I crave something sweeter. Americano is safer though…” Hyunjin mumbles, nibbling on his beautiful and well-shaped lips.

“Are you sure? Last time you drank an Americano you ruined your favorite sweater…” Felix can’t stop his laugh at the memory, recalling the dramatic scene in his head. “I remembered you crying over it, Ji even teased you with your Americano song, it was so funny!”

He keeps his smile, looking at the Americano. It was such a good memory. He stopped smiling once he caught the eyes of Hyunjin, blushing. The Hwang Prince looks at him with a fondness he never saw. It makes his heart loop again in his chest. 

“You’re right. Americano is out!” Hyunjin looks at the drinks again, smiling. “Kombucha?”

“Mango.” Felix takes the Kombucha, handing it to Hyunjin. 

They didn’t talk much after that, going to the checkout, paying separately for their things. Once they’re done they stand in front of the shop, a bit dumbly. It seems like they want to talk more but they’re too afraid.

Felix feels lost with Hyunjin. He’s the one with whom he didn’t prepare something to say. Not for the moment at least. He doesn’t want to push himself anymore and he knows he will not talk about himself to Hyunjin. Not for the moment. 

But being in front of the boy, he feels sad. He misses their conversations, before his depression, before Changbin and Jisung. Before everything. Hyunjin has always been a good boy, a bit clumsy on the edge, but not bad. 

He desperately wants to change the atmosphere, he wants to be able to talk to the boy without feeling wary. He’s not stupid, he saw that Hyunjin had already chose a drink earlier. He only asked him to help as a way to distract Felix from the vodka. 

He didn’t look at him in pity, he didn’t point out the vodka. He just found a way to distract him, without making him feel bad. And it just shows how nice Hyunjin is, how Felix is still important for him. And just for that, Felix wants to try. To talk, to be friends again. 

“What’s… What's your favorite cake?” He blurted out, without really thinking, it makes him want to hide.

“Favorite?” Hyunjin blinks in confusion, looking at the sky in wonder, before smiling softly. “Cookies. I think I like cookies the most, warm and soft.” 

“Warm and soft.” Felix nods, thinking it’s fitting Hyunjin well. He almost smiles at that thought, not seeing the way Hyunjin looks at him.

“About that…” Hyunjin takes something from his bag. “I have something for you, it helps me when I want to distract myself.” 

He takes Felix’s hand, putting a lollipop on it. There are stars on the wrapping, which makes him want to keep it. He looks at it, a bit dumbly, but smiles. Lollipops are sweet and nice. It’s been so long since he had one. 

“A lollipop? Thank you.” Felix looks at Hyunjin, sending him one of his signature smiles, not realizing.

“Oh Shit.” Hyunjin’s cheeks are red, the boy fumbling shyly. “Sorry. Just your smile. Forget how blinding and beautiful it's… Damn, I’m rambling. I’m… I’ll just go. Nice to have seen you Lix. See you tomorrow?”

Felix’s cheeks are probably as red as Hyunjin right now. His chest feels so warm at the compliment. It’s been a long time since he didn’t hear that from one of his friends, his Noonas are always complimenting him. 

“It’s okay. Thank you… Yeah. See you tomorrow Hyunjin.” Felix smiles shyly this time, waving softly.

“Bye, takes care.” The dark-haired boy waves back, smiling softly. 

Felix looks at his back, standing still until he sees him turning to a corner. He sighs softly, looking back at the lollipop. Nice idea as a distraction. He puts it in his mouth, almost moaning at the sugar and sweetness of it. Strawberry. His favorite. Hyunjin did this on purpose.

While walking back to his flat, Felix thought about Hyunjin a lot. These last months he only felt anger and jealousy towards the boy, and it ate him. Now, it’s different. It changes. Or maybe not. What if he always felt this fond of the boy?

He isn’t able to tell. After all, his emotions were a mess before. They’re still a mess but at least he acknowledges them now. He should try to think about it later or to talk with his psychologist and Noonas. 

There is something more to his feelings towards Hyunjin. Something that makes him afraid but also giddy and happy. And it’s fucking scary for him, because he doesn’t want to suffer again. And it seems like his heart is taking a very dangerous way. That fucker…

When Felix is back home Reira and Mae welcomed him with hugs and smiles. They decided to bake, all of them. Well, Sweetie tried to eat all the dough, dealing with a very annoyed Sunshinie. 

Felix knows the blonde girl isn’t able to resist her soulmate. But she did use her big voice, to scare Mae and to finish cooking. Felix laughed a lot, sharing teasing with the two girls, doing his best to bake. It’s all new to him.

If the next morning Hyunjin found a box full of cookies on his desk, it’s certainly not because of Felix. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, I hope all of you are good and safe.
> 
> So, after reading comments (and I want to say thank you, because it was really important for me to know your opinion) most of my readers feel unsafe and uncomfortable about keeping W***** as a character. And honestly, after all things I read about him, I'm the same.
> 
> That's why I decided to replace him by Matthew (BM from KARD). I'm going to change the tag and I'm going to change W*****'s name for Matthew and maybe do some change of sentences but nothing that will need for you to re-read the previous chapters (unless you want!). 
> 
> I'll do it this weekend. 
> 
> Thank you, for your kind words. I wish to all of you a good evening or day, be safe guys okay? 
> 
> Love you. Take care.


	11. XI

Felix yawns loudly, not opening his eyes. He just woke up and the idea of moving from his spot on the wall isn’t very tempting. He slept well and a lot in comparison to the previous days but it didn’t prevent him from feeling tired. Yet, he wants to prepare himself to dance for later.

It’s been approximately two weeks since his last encounter with Hyunjin. They exchanged some texts and talked more casually these days. Felix is happy, it seems that Hyunjin had loved a lot the cookies he baked. He still doesn’t know why he decided to give them to him...

Since then, he has kept practicing his baking skills. He made brownies because Reira and Mae like them more than anything in the world. Reira even lets him help her during her baking session. He was a bit suspicious over the blonde girl who seems to cook and bake more and more.

She’s happier too, always with a big smile on her face. She’s less and less at the flat. He’s sure that she’s hiding something from him, but what? Not like it’s a problem. She’s always here when he needs her and he knows her and Mae wouldn't lie to him. If she wants to wait before telling him something, it's more than okay. 

Trying to get back to earth, Felix opens slowly his eyes, blinking several times. It’s so bright and warm here, he loves that feeling. He smiles softly at himself, admiring the clean and neat flat, still leaning on his wall.

“Are you trying to make one with the wall, baby?” Felix jumps, sending a deadly glare at the new stranger, putting his hand over his heart.

“Holy shit, Hyung…” He groans, trying to get back his racing heart to a normal beat.

Minho chuckles, ruffling gently Felix's hair with a smirk on his handsome face. Felix keeps looking at the cat boy who seems to be in his own house at this point. His Hyung takes his mug, a cat one obviously, pouring some coffee in there. He’s the only one with Mae who drink coffee in this house.

Felix rolls up his eyes at that thought, moving slowly to sit on the chair behind the counter, letting his head fall on his arms. He couldn’t stop to observe Minho, always impressed by the other beauty. Warm and dark brown eyes meet his hazel one, the older boy smirking knowingly.

“Like what you see, baby?” Felix pouts, snorting at the teasing of his Hyung. He used to be called baby by him now.

“You’re handsome, Hyung. You know that.” He mumbles slowly, playing with his sweater paw.

“Indeed.” Minho winks at him, gulping his coffee while looking intensely at him.

Felix could feel his cheeks burning from the intensity of Minho's eyes. It’s something that always makes him blush when someone looks too much at him. He never knows what to thing. Is there something on his face? Minho’s eyes are known to be intimidating, so it’s not helping at all.

“Wh...What?” Felix looks away, cursing at himself to have stutter. 

“You’re handsome too, Lix. Maybe not like me, but you have a very specific beauty. You need to know that.” He looks in surprise at the older boy, his cheeks burning more violently. “It’s true baby. I’m glad that Kitten and Noona are feeding you well, you’re way much shinner than months ago.”

Felix is glad that Minho isn’t trying to act like nothing happened. He’s never embarrassed to talk about his depression or to make allusions. And it helps Felix a lot, he doesn’t want people to act like nothing happened or just forget and move on from it. It’s not working like this.

Minho and him never really talk about it. He's used to have the older boy by his side now, but something is missing. They talk and joke sometimes, but they couldn't talk, only the two of them. Minho never pushed it, and Felix wasn’t trying to do it either. 

Looking at his Hyung makes him think about Jisung. It’s something that he thinks of a lot, to be honest. It’s like the other boy is in the back of his head every day. But he only allows himself to think of him from time to time. Maybe because Jisung is a scar that he didn’t want to look at for the moment.

“Thank you, Hyung.” He smiles, before biting his lips, unsure. “So… If I’m not wrong, I saw that you and Jisung became kind of close?” Felix looks at the bread on the counter, trying to act like he didn’t ask an important question. 

“Well.” Minho doesn’t seem bothered at all, smiling softly. “Your favorite Hyung isn’t single anymore. I got that squirrel at the end. And I’m hella proud of it.” 

Felix surprises himself by smiling at that statement. It wasn’t a secret that Jisung and Minho love each other. Jisung was too shy, not confident enough to ask out Minho. And the elder was brushing off the younger, thinking it was a joke. And the two of them are stubborn children. 

It was hard to see them pinning at each other without doing anything. Even more when Felix was looking desperately at someone that was in love with another person. It was painful and it destroyed him. He just wanted the opposite for his friends, so he’s glad.

“It takes you time to get your shit together.” Minho snorts at his remark, smirking at him. “And he’s okay?”

Felix tried to sound casual, like he’s asking about the weather. But it’s far from being casual, not when he looks at Minho with worry and desperation. Not when he’s asking about the boy that was here for him his whole life. Not when it’s about Han Jisung. 

Minho knows that well. Because he looks at Felix with sadness. Like he’s able to tell how much Felix misses Jisung, how much worried he's about him. Felix isn’t good at hiding things, he realizes. Not when it was such strong feelings about Jisung.

“Honestly? He manages. He’s doing well at classes, he’s helped by Changbin and Chan-Hyung. But for the rest…” Minho sighs, his shoulders dropping like he’s holding the whole world on it.

Felix could feel a lump coming in his throat. Seeing his Hyung like this makes him sad and unwell. Worrying about someone is exhausting and scary. Even more when it’s someone that you love deeply. Felix knows, he saw it with his Noonas. 

And he knows that Jisung is strong but also sensitive. He’s the type of person to have a lot of things on his mind, to care too much about the world. He’s almost… fragile, easily breakable. Afraid to not be enough, suffering about his destructive thought. 

His anxiety isn’t helping either. There are times when he can go to a party without a problem, performing in front of a whole University or Bar, laughing loudly and jumping everywhere. And there are times when going out of his bed is too scary, where panic attacks hit him out of nowhere. Where people are too much for him to handle.

Felix knows well because he was here before for him. He was the one handling the panic attacks, the ramble about being useless. He handled Jisung at his worst. And he would never regret any of those moments. Jisung is surely the one who keeps him grounded to life the most, until life becomes too much for him.

He knows that right now, he wouldn’t be able to handle Jisung. He’s too unstable for that, too raw and fragile. He has difficulties to handle himself after all. It didn’t stop him from feeling guilty. After stepping back, he understands why Jisung distanced himself from him.

Felix was falling too hard and was keeping his distance to the point where Jisung wasn’t able to reach him anymore. He felt it, how much Felix was hurting, so he tried to reach someone else. To keep himself ground. Until Felix would be ready to share his pain.

But Felix never did. Maybe he was too afraid to break his best friend. Felix regrets that, a lot. Because if someone was able to understand him better than anyone else, it was Jisung. Not because of his suffering. Just because it's Han Jisung and he's Lee Felix. 

“Panic attacks and anxiety?” Felix’s voice is weak, like himself at the moment. 

“Hum.” Minho sighs again, putting his hand on his hair to push them back. “No one can really calm him other than you, Lix.” He must have seen the panic rising into his hazel eyes because Minho adds rapidly. “I’m not… no one is asking you to help him, Lix. We know it’s not the moment, for both of you. But… Lix. I know that something is bothering you with Ji. Do you want to…”

“No.” Felix cuts him, feeling his mind working too much for him. “I’m sorry, Hyung but… No. Not now.” Minho nods, not pushing him. “Thank you, Hyung.”

“No problem.” Minho offers him a little smile trying to change the subject. “Everything is okay with the preparation for the showcase?”

“Yes, I manage.” Felix smiles, before taking a deep breath. “You know, before my depression, I wanted to ask you to be my partner for the showcase.” Minho seems surprised at that fact, putting his mug of coffee on the counter.

“Really? Why didn't you ask me then?” Felix shrugs, sighing loudly at the memories playing in his head.

“I stopped a bit after that. Then I just cut myself from everyone and… I didn’t think about it until recently.” Minho looks at him again, eyes softer and smile tender.

“I would have gladly accepted. About that Lix…” The cat boy decided to sit on the chair beside the younger, taking one of Felix’s hands in his. “I wanted to apologize… When you stopped coming to dance, I knew something was deeply wrong. It felt weird to come at you and ask you questions. I honestly thought that Jisung was taking care of you. I never… imagine once that you could have been this lonely.”

“It’s okay Hyung. I never expected you to know everything… I seriously cut everything and everyone off at that period. I was so convinced that no one cared for me that I just… shut myself. Jisung was trying to wait for me to talk but… I never did.” 

It’s something that Felix isn’t proud of. But he knows he acted without really thinking, he felt alone and not loved so he tried to carry his suffering by himself. He was blinded by his hatred towards himself to see how worried his friends were.

“I still think that we should have talked to you. I know that it’s useless to say that, because it will change nothing. But I think it was a good lesson. We can’t let others drown themself. Next time, I’ll push you to talk to me. I don’t care, I just want you to be happy Lix… You...” Felix looks up at him, seeing a sparkle of unshed tears in Minho’s eyes. “You deserve to be happy… So much.” 

Felix feels his heart blow up with warm feelings in his chest. Minho seems so affected by that, in a way that he never thought was possible. But his Hyung cares so much for them, he knows that. 

He’s also feeling better with his sweets words. Now, he’s able to listen and to appreciate when his friends tell him nice and sweet things. It’s something that he likes when someone sincerely wishes him good things or compliments him. 

Some days it’s harder to accept compliments, but it’s less and less frequent. He tries to appreciate positive words and thoughts as much as he can. He was well trained with Mae and Reira. 

“You’re right Hyung… It has been a good lesson for everyone.” Felix smiles softly, still playing with his sweater paw. 

They look at each other, sincerity floating around them. It’s good to be honest and share feelings after all this time. Felix feels lighter, once more, and it’s less difficult than what he first thought. He lets a content sigh escaped his mouth, keeping his soft smile.

“You knew that Kitten and Chan-Hyung think that they have a secret relationship?” Minho winks mischievously at him, a satisfied grin on his lips. 

“What?” Felix is more than surprised, knowing that Chan has, or had, difficulties with Reira. “What the fuck? How?”

“I surprised them at Chan-Hyung’s flat. Kissing. That was funny.” Minho laughs at the memory, taking again his mug of coffee. “It’s new, so they want to take their time. But apparently, Chan stopped being a salty dad and tried to know better Kitten. Obviously, he falls for her dick.”

Felix giggles at the thought. The image of Chan trying to not lose control of himself every time his Noona tried to talk about her dick is hilarious. The older Australian was probably trying to not laugh or die in embarrassment at Reira’s boldness.

Almost on clue, Reira and Mae come back from groceries. It seems that the older girl found a way to push Reira out of the bed. With them coming into the kitchen, the whole atmosphere turns sweeter and funnier.

Felix loses the count of how many times he laughed loudly at Reira and Minho antics. Those two will never stop their teasing, always smiling or throwing shading at the other. It was also funny to see how Mae can control and temper Minho's behavior. 

They had a great time, full of funny moments and light jokes. Felix is glad to have Minho back in his life, to share moments like this with him. Just before Minho’s departure, Felix gave him one of his plushies. It was a cat one, soft and white. 

Minho seems to be lost at first, until he realizes what the plushie is. He hugs him tightly, without saying anything. He didn’t have to, Felix understands easily the feeling behind it. He smiles softly, squeezing the older boy with the same strength.

If the day after he saw Jisung walking casually with a rested face he only smiles, knowing that his idea worked well. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! 
> 
> I hope you're good! And not dying over Stray Kids comeback... 👀
> 
> So, I'm here with a new chapter! And also to warn you, I did all the change of character in the story. If you ever read it again and found something, don't hesitate to warn me! 
> 
> I hope you had a good time and I see you in few days for the next chapter! 
> 
> Take care of you, drink a lot and eat well please!
> 
> Love on u, uwu


	12. XII

Felix takes a sip of his hot chocolate, appreciating the sweet taste of the cacao on his tongue. His dark hair is falling slightly over his eyes but he doesn’t care. He already cut them not long ago but it seems like he needs to cut them.  _ Again _ . 

Seungmin is in front of him, answering some messages. Felix smirks, knowing perfectly who the person is to put a smile like this on his best friend’s face. It’s not a secret for him that Seungmin has a massive soft spot for Jeongin. But honestly, who hasn’t?

The chestnut boy seems to be the happiest man ever with how big his smile is. Felix snorts, not trying to stop his laughter. His best friend looks up at him, surprised, then frowning slowly. A little pout begins to form on his lips, making him look adorable. 

“Lix-ah! Why are you laughing at me?” Felix’s laugh doubled at that, making Seungmin rolling his eyes. “Oh no. Don’t say a word.”

“Minnie, you’re so cute.” Felix is so fond of his friend, not hiding it for a second. “You should confess you know? Every logical person would love to have you as a boyfriend.” 

“Don’t… Don’t say that.” Seungmin’s cheeks are red making Felix coos at the younger. “I know I should. It’s just… Hard.”

The younger sighs deeply, looking at his smoothie, playing with the straw. Felix can only nod, knowing perfectly what Seungmin means by that. He’s the one advising about confessing when he wasn’t able to do it. 

Maybe that’s why. He doesn’t want someone else to lose a chance. Not like Felix had one before. It’s just that he’s not blind, he saw how Jeongin is looking at Seungmin. Their maknae is not hiding his  _ slight _ crush on their favorite puppy. 

It’s not hard to fall in love with Seungmin. The boy is soft like cotton candy. He has that big and sweet smile that makes you want to melt like an ice cream. He’s also excited and funny, always loving to use sarcasm over his friends. He’s nice but he can bite if he wants, that’s one of his many charming points. 

Felix would have loved to fall in love with Seungmin. It would have been easier. Or maybe not. He’s probably just hoping. He would have seen the whole love story of Jeongin and Seungmin. It would have hurt, maybe as much as seeing Changbin and Hyunjin together. 

“I know. It’s hard and scary. But it’s also the better solution, to be honest. You know that Minnie… Jeongin is sweet. If he wants to reject you he’ll do it nicely.” Seungmin frowns at that, pouting cutely again.

“Is that supposed to convince me? Because it’s not. You think he would reject me?” Felix blinks before laughing, shaking his head.

“No, sorry. It was just to… make things lighter? Sorry, I’m very bad at this.” He exhales slowly, taking a sip of his chocolate. “It’s just better to know the truth, Minnie. You need to go for it. Don’t end up alone like me, please. You deserve to have a beautiful love life.”

Seungmin only looks at him with a neutral expression at first. Felix realizes what he said and he’s ready to be gently scolded by the younger. He tries to offer him one of his sweet smiles, the one that makes people soft. But he knows that Seungmin is too smart to let that pass.

“Lee Felix. I’m going to smack you if you continue to say bullshit like this.” Felix pouts, nodding gently his head. “You deserve as much love as me. And you’re not alone… I’m here. The Noonas and Hyungs are here. Innie is here too…” Seungmin pauses, looking worryingly at him. “Do you feel alone…?”

Felix opens his eyes wider, realizing he shouldn’t have phrased his sentence like this. He feels guilty for making his friend worried over him. At the same time, he’s honestly confused about his feelings right now. It’s a real mess in his head.

“I… don’t know? I don’t think so… It’s more like… Oh Gosh.” He mumbles, closing his eyes for a second. “I don’t feel alone like before. But at the same time I’m fighting my own battle, you know? And… It’s like I don’t have to feel like this towards someone, I mean to fall in love. Ah... I don’t know. It’s messy.”

Seungmin is frowning at him, ready to talk and maybe put some sense into his brain. If it was not for Matthew. Felix almost jumps once the sweet yet imposing man makes his apparition, waving happily at both of them. It’s been a while since he saw the older.

“Hey, you two. Coffee date?” Matthew smiles warmly at them, making Felix smile too, it's so contagious.

“Sort of. More like “Coffee fights with love” but…” Seungmin shrugs, looking intently at Felix before sighing. “I need to go, I’m going to be late at my classes. Sorry Lixie, sorry Hyung. I’m seeing you later.”

Felix nods, waving at Seungmin with a soft smile. He hopes that the boy will not think too much about their conversation. At least not what he said at the end. But if he could move his ass to snatch their favorite little fox, Felix would be happy. 

“Wanna sit with me Hyung?” Felix looks at Matthew, smiling softly at him.

“Sure!” Matthew seems very happy by the proposition, sitting at the same place that used Seungmin. “It’s been a while since we talked, just the two of us.”

“True.” Felix puts his elbows on the table and uses his hands to support his whole head. “What’s up?”

Matthew begins to chat with him animatedly, sharing the latest news about himself: his classes, his work. It was nice and light, something that Felix appreciates deeply. Being able to have a sweet conversation with people is something that he misses a lot. 

Felix always liked Matthew. He’s deeply nice, always here to support his younger friends. It seems like he was the one who never really judged him, in some ways. Talking with him seems so natural. He’s a good listener and a very funny guy. He can act like a child sometimes but also being mature, to the point where you could see he's older than him. 

They were laughing at Chan and his love-life, Matthew explaining that he wasn’t surprised to see him falling for Felix’s Noona. It was surprising to see him hostile at first, but then it was just a bunch of things. He was worried for Felix, felt like he messed up something with him, that he failed him.

Reira is bold and almost aggressive in her way of protecting people. That leads to some conflict, until both of them talked about and understood that they were more similar than what they first thought. It leads to something more. Felix isn’t even surprised.

“So now I’m the only single one. I suppose that Minnie is going to confess to Innie right? Ah… It’s going to be fun!” Matthew doesn’t seem to be sad or upset about it, smiling happily.

“Don’t forget me. I’m probably going to stay single for a long time…” Felix chuckles at his thought, playing with a napkin.

He focuses on the paper until Matthew puts his much bigger hand on his. It’s warm and soft, a feeling that he always liked. He lets the older man take his hand, looking up to meet soft and warm brown eyes. 

“Hey man… Don’t say that. I know that it’s complicated for the moment, but you’re not going to stay single your whole life. I’m sure a lot of people are crushing on you right now, look at you man you’re a fine as fuck.” 

He doesn’t know why but he feels emotions hit him like a truck. A big lump makes its apparition on his throat and he just wants to ball his eyes out. Maybe it’s because of the emotional support that brings Matthew. He always feels like a strong person to rely on, a stable one. 

Or maybe because he seems to know more than what he chooses to say. It’s something in his eyes, likes he wants to tell him that it’s going to be okay, that he has the solution. It’s seriously confusing but also comforting in more ways than what he first thought.

“It’s just so complicated… to love someone that you can’t have. And every time I think of it, I want to smack myself. How can I love someone who is already in love? With one of my friends? It just feels so wrong… I want to love myself, I want to stop being so harsh on me. But every time I think about Changbin-Hyung I can’t stop hating me.” Without realizing it, tears begin to fall slowly on his cheeks. “It’s worse when I think about Hyunjin. He’s such a sweetheart… I just don’t want to feel that anymore…”

“You have the right to feel, Felix. Loving someone is the most beautiful thing ever. It’s okay. But this doesn’t mean it’s easy or not painful…” Matthew strokes his hands slowly with his thumb, in a comforting way. “And no one can stop you or remove your feelings. I can’t tell you to stop loving him or to move on, even if it seems like the better option. But if I was you, I would confess.” 

Felix is taken aback, looking at Matthew with big eyes. He needs a minute to understand everything. He doesn’t know what to feel. He honestly wants to laugh at the situation since Seungmin was in the same position as him a while ago. 

“But it’s inappropriate since he’s already with Hyunjin, I can't do that to them… It seems… wrong.” He bites his lips, his eyebrows furrowed. He doesn’t know what to think anymore.

“I don’t think it’s inappropriate. You’re not trying to separate them or to hurt someone Lix. Like I said, you have the right to have feelings. It’s never too late to let your heart speak. After all, you have the right to love and to share your emotions. It’s not like you're imposing something if you formulate your thought well. What I’m trying to say is that it can help you to make a decision, it’s better to express yourself than just bottle up everything.”

Felix nods slowly, understanding what Matthew is meaning behind his words. It’s not a stupid idea, it just seems unusual and wrong for Felix. But he knows Hyunjin and he knows Changbin. It’s not like they’re going to throw things at him or be angry. 

And if he’s honest with himself, he wants to confess. To have the chance to let his feelings that he kept for himself out. It feels like a burden now, it’s more hurting than anything. Maybe confessing would help him to move on from Changbin. 

But Felix is scared. He’s scared to make a mistake, to ruin everything. He doesn’t want to hurt Changbin or Hyunjin by confessing. He’s maybe more scared to hurt someone than hurting himself at this point.

“Stop thinking about others, Felix. Is that appropriate to hide yourself? Do you want to continue like this?” Matthew is gentle and soft, still stroking Felix’s hands. It helps somehow. 

“No…” Felix shakes his head without thinking. “I don’t want to. It’s so… it hurts so much Hyung…” Felix exhales slowly, trying to stop his tears and the lump in his throat.

“So do it, Lixie. Free yourself from it…” Matthew moves to sit beside him, taking the younger in his embrace.

Felix didn’t protest, letting himself sink into the warm arms and chest of his Hyung. He misses that too, the warm hugs, the security of someone else’s arms. He’s always been a hug seeker, love to have contact with others. It helps to reassure himself. Matthew is muscular, he feels protected with him. 

“Well… I’ll do it, in my way. At the showcase… I wasn’t sure of it. But now, I am.” Felix doesn’t move from his spot in Matthew’s chest. “I don’t know if he’s going to get it. But I know it’s the only way I can do it. On scene. It’s like I can only talk by dancing…”

“It’s okay Lix. Do it the way you want it.” Matthew squeezes him softly. “I’m happy to hold you Lix. I was… so afraid to not be able to do it.” He could hear his voice flattering. “I felt so sorry for you that day. I hated myself for not having acted, for not having helped you. I’m so sorry Felix. I’m really so sorry to not have been there when you needed me…”

“I didn’t want help… I mean, I wanted but I just pushed everyone. It’s not your fault Hyung…” Felix is trying hard to not cry again, pushing himself against Matthew more. “I’m sorry to not have reached you before. I was just… so scared. Of everything.” 

“It’s okay Lix. It’s okay to be scared… just, don’t forget that we’re here. We’re by your side and we don’t want to let you go. I love you Lixie.” Felix looks up at Matthew, founding tears and sincerity into those warm brown eyes.

“I love you too Hyung.” Felix blinks, trying to erase the tears, hiding once more into Matthew’s arms.

They stayed like this for a long time. As much as they needed. Holding onto each other. They almost stayed until it was too late, Felix needed to go back to the dance studio and Matthew needed to study for a test. 

✨

They were walking towards the University and Matthew’s dorm, stopping in front of the big Institution. Matthew pats Felix’s head like he’s a kitten, smiling softly at him. Felix misses him, his hug, and his strong and protective personality.

“Take care. Don’t stay too late…” Felix nods, doing a perfect salute, making Matthew laugh. “Oh and… if you feel ready and if you want, I think you should try to talk with Chan.”

Felix pouts slowly, nodding. He didn’t have the luck to see Chan often. He was busy with University, trying to make up for his lost time while being depressed. Most of the time he crosses paths with Seungmin or Jeongin since the Vocal students weren’t far away from the dance students.

And sometimes he sees Hyunjin, having small talk with him. They aren’t in the same classes either. It’s the same with Minho, since he’s two years above him. But the older one often stays with him to help or to chat with him during break. 

Since Chan, Changbin, and Jisung took the same classes they’re in a different building. With University and their personal life, they don’t have time to catch up with each other. Felix is most of the time with his Noonas or Seungmin. Sometimes Jeongin and Minho. 

He wants to talk with Chan, he just doesn’t know how to do it. He will think of it, probably by sending a message to the older Australian. He knows that Chan will clear his schedule for him. But he kinda likes it, when he meets one of his friends out of nowhere. Like Matthew.

It feels natural to meet up and suddenly chat. It’s easier for Felix to talk too. But he didn’t think about the fact that all of his friends are busy or don’t know how to approach him. Chan would probably wait until Felix comes by himself, knowing him. 

“I will Hyung. I miss Channie-Hyung.” Matthew and he share a smile, before saying goodbye.

Felix feels better. It’s another step that he took. Even more since he takes the final decision to let his heart speak. He needs to do some changes to the choreography. He just hopes that it won't end badly... 

Two days later, Felix begins to think it's not a good idea. But he kept going and decided to wait. The Universe will probably give him a sign. He just hopes that it will not be a bottle of vodka...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good morning/afternoon/evening/night my dear cupcakes (don't ask me why I came up with that name okay, it's just my brain)
> 
> I hope you're having a good day, a good week, that you're eating and drinking well! If it's not the case, I hope this update will make you feel better, and know that I'm always here if you need help with anything. 
> 
> Like all the chapter, this one is pre-written. I replaced the one we shouldn't name with Matthew and I did some change according to Matt personality! I hope you liked it.
> 
> Thank you to have read and see you next week for the next chapter! 
> 
> Have a good weeks and lots of kisses and love for you! 💖


	13. XIII

Felix is humming softly to one song he heard during practice today, opening quietly the door of his flat. He doesn’t know if Mae or Rei are here and if they’re taking naps or not. He couldn’t stop his smile, being hit by the delicious and soothing smell. It’s always something that he loves.

He enters his flat, looking for noises but he can’t hear any. He shrugs, going frankly to the living room. He nearly screams once he spots Christopher on the couch with his computer on his lap. He almost trips on his own feet, looking with a wide gaze at his Hyung.

The other Australian looks up from his screen eyes as wide as Felix’s one. They stay like this for a while, each of them observing what the other will do. Felix feels awkward and a bit lost. Only a few people can walk on the Soulmates flat. Mae is very strict about it and Rei too. Because they want to keep the positive energy.

Rei already announced to him that she’s officially into a relationship with his Hyung. He fake cried over the fact he will not have to listen to her crying over her single ass anymore. She acted like she was offended but she cooked cookies with him. He shared them with Hyunjin and surely didn’t find the boy’s smile endearing.

Still, he didn’t expect Christopher to be there. In their flat. Maybe it's a sign of the Universe? Because he still didn’t talk with him. He was quite busy after his conversation with Matthew and got caught up into a bad week. He was proud of himself because he handled the depressive thought better than last time.

Seeing his Hyung is almost unreal. Chan has brown and healthy hair for once, he doesn’t seem too tired. Being in a relationship is indeed helpful. Felix licks nervously his lips, regaining a normal composure and position. He gulps, trying to smile at the older boy.

“H-Hi, Hyung.” Felix wanted to smack himself for being so shy, it was just Chris. “Good to see you…”

Christopher stays silent for what seems like an eternity to Felix. He seems to slowly process the words of the younger, his face still neutral. After what seems like the end of the world, he finally starts to smile softly.

“Hi Lix.” His warm and sweet voice soothing Felix fast to his surprise. “It’s good to see you too… How have you been?” 

“Complicated, to be honest.” He moves to sit on the sofa, facing the older. “Some days I felt okay, others I wanted to hide and never show myself again. But I’m better, I’m doing better.” 

“It’s good to know.” Christopher keeps smiling at the younger, not moving at all. “I’m glad to know that you’re doing better…”

“Me too. And you Hyung? I heard from Noona that you have a lot of work, Matt-Hyung is also worried about you. Seungminie told me you’re in your studio most of the time, Jeonginie doesn’t like it you know…” He begins to ramble, almost pouting in the process.

Chan seems to be surprised at first, before laughing loudly, feeling happy to know that the younger still cares about him. It seems like the old days, where the two of them kept worrying for the other. The Aussie brothers. Since when it stopped?

It makes Christopher sad but he doesn’t want to focus on that. He smiles warmly at Felix, deciding to put his hand on the younger’s shoulder. Felix doesn’t flinch which is warming his heart. He really misses the younger boy.

“I work a lot, this is true. And I don’t have a lot of time to take care of the boys. But your Noona found a way to make me exit my dear studio. It’s going to be a relaxing night. I’m waiting for her.” He smiles again, putting his computer away. “But since you’re here I’ll begin that now!”

“Noona is scary when she’s serious or angry.” Felix nods for himself, remembering some moments that will haunt him for life. “Seems like she tames you…”

“I… Well…” Christopher blushes, looking away. “She does.” Felix laughs, appreciating to tease his Hyung.

They stayed like this for a while, talking animatedly to each other. Christopher tries to not ask all the questions he wants to. Rei had warned him before. He tries his best, he doesn’t want to push the younger. But he has so many questions, he’s still so worried. He saw each of the boys having news and contact with Felix except for him, Changbin and Jisung. 

Felix is happy to talk freely about normal things with Chan. It feels good to find his old friend back, his big brother. It’s maybe why he feels so secure and ready to talk about his feelings, and about them. He knows, with the way that Chan is acting how much the older needs answer. 

“You know…” He begins, feeling his whole body still relax like his mind, which is a good sign to keep going. “There are times when my brain sends me weird and sad thoughts. It’s like there is a filter that keeps all positive and nice feelings away. And it’s so hard when it happens… everything seems grey and dull. And you feel alone… so alone…”

“Just before the end of High School, I had that type of feeling. I was so scared of life, I was seeing everyone around me knowing what they wanted to do, living their best lives and I was just… so alone. And lost, it felt like no one was able to understand me.”

It surprises Felix but in a good way. Something in him begins to stir frantically. Finally, he's not alone to feel such emotions. He grows closer to Chan, holding firmly his hand. He knows that the older is sharing something very personal and secret about himself.

“What… what helps you going through this, Hyung?” Felix asked almost quietly, afraid of breaking the atmosphere.

“You. You and the boys.” Christopher looks at him in a way that he never did before. “All off you… gave me a reason to hope again, to not lose it. I came to a point in my life where I was thinking of suicide, Felix. But all of you suddenly enter my life, one by one, and it stops. You saved me, Felix. That’s why… I tried to think that everything was okay, that you were just thinking a lot but…” Christopher’s voice is wavering dangerously, a ton of tears in his eyes.

Felix didn’t think, holding firmly the older boy against him. It seems like Chan needs to clutch onto something, to keep himself ground, and to remember this is reality. They're here, safe, together. And honestly, Felix needs that too, with the deep feeling that they’re sharing. 

“It’s okay Hyung, I’m here.” He whispers as softly as he can, gripping Chan strongly. “You’re not alone anymore.”

“I know.” Christopher grips Felix very firmly into his shoulder. “I’m so sorry Felix. I failed you. I failed you so much. I should have seen it, I should have acted, I was just… I was terrified, and I wanted to believe it was okay. I acted like a coward, but you were so… so closed. I thought that pushing you would be worse. I was so afraid of you closing off even more… But at the end…” Felix is crying too, trying to not make any sound at his Chan’s pain. “When… When we thought it was you, I…” 

Chan isn’t able to continue his sentence, a painful and hard sob leaving his mouth. Felix could feel the emotions in the boy’s trembling body and sobbing face. He never saw Christopher crying like this, it was so raw. Felix felt bad, knowing how it was so hard for Chan too. 

“I’m so sorry, Hyung…” He manages to talk through his own cries, still holding Chan against him. “It was so… so complicated and so scary that I just pushed everything. I wanted to feel nothing, to talk to no one. If I talked, it felt like I would break. And I was so afraid of you leaving me… I felt so bad. But I wanted you to save me too… It was so messy.”

“Don’t be sorry Felix you…” Christophers tries to calm down, unable to talk properly. “You did your best, you did what you could at this moment… I know how scary it is. We… should have thought of talking to you more, to try more. Felix, I’m really sorry to not have been there, to have failed you…”

“You didn’t fail me!” Felix screamed, almost angry. “Don’t say that! You didn’t fail me, I was the one failing all of you!”

“I leave you behind, Felix! I leave you behind when I promised I wouldn’t!” Chan isn’t having any of it, gripping Felix's shoulder and looking at him in the eyes. “If you want to blame yourself, let me blame myself too! You’re not alone in this, I know you think everything is your fault but it’s not true!”

They kept crying painfully and loudly, holding onto each other like their lives depend on it. Felix's heart is burning painfully in his chest, his lungs hurting as much. It's like something exploded in him, making him sob as loud as he could. He never cried that much before.

Everything is too much. The emotions, the feelings. Felix needs to feel something, to hold onto someone. He reaches for Christopher, hiding in his chest, holding him firmly again. But this time, it’s not to help Chan. It’s for helping himself.

Christopher closes his arms around Felix, dragging him further into the couch and on his lap, holding him. They’re a big mess of tears and apologizes. Of shared guilt and deep protectiveness. They stay like this for a long time, needing to calm down from their frantic cries.

After a long moment, Felix could breathe without feeling his lungs burning. His brain is still fuzzy and he feels a bit lost into the mess of feelings. But he still feels the need to talk, the need to explain. 

“I didn’t want… didn’t want to hurt all of you, Hyung. But… But even if I have regret… I can promise that I’m not hating myself. I… I’m working on it. I understood that I couldn’t continue like this and… I stopped drinking. I’m seeing a psychologist and I… I want to love myself. I want to smile, I want to laugh, I want to… I want to live!” 

Christopher holds him tighter, stroking his back and nodding frantically in his neck. He seems to be crying again, but differently. It’s less painful than before like there is more hope than sadness. Felix is sure that he needed to hear that, to hear that Felix will not try to abandon him again. 

“I’m… so glad. So glad that you did what I couldn’t before…” Chan looks up to him, holding his face. “Felix, I’m sorry. I… I’m trying to work on this too, to not let the guilt eat me. I… I just realized that I can’t be scared anymore and that I can help too. I’m not going to run from fear anymore.” 

Felix nods, holding onto Christopher’s wrist. Tears are falling from his eyes, he can’t see the face of his Hyung anymore but it’s okay. He closes his eyes, holding into him. He feels a warm feeling blowing up in his chest, something that he misses.

“Hyung… I love you, I love you so much. You were always my big brother and I… And I don’t want to be alone anymore…” Christopher kisses his forehead, nodding too.

“Me too. I don’t want to let you be alone and suffer anymore. I love you too Felix, a lot.” Felix hides again in Chan’s chest, not able to hold himself.

This talk makes him realize that he isn’t the only one hiding things about his feelings. What if it’s the same for his friend? He’s now wondering about Jisung. Jisung that he misses so much. Jisung that kept going on his mind. But he’s so angry at the same time, it’s a fucking mess in his brain.

He still needs to wait, to not rush. But talking with Chan seems to have opened something in him, in his way of thinking. The secret door of his deep fears and hidden feelings seems to have opened. And maybe he wants to embrace them. 

“Don’t be afraid of you, Felix.” It caught him off guard, the way Chan whispers. “Don’t be afraid of your demons, of yourself. We’re not just positive or negative, we’re a complexity of feelings and emotions. And it’s okay, it’s what makes us so beautiful and unique. And it’s okay, Lix. You don’t have to hide anything, you’re free. Free to feel yourself, to love yourself for what you are. Because in the end, you’re still beautiful, with your fears, your pain, and your happiness…”

Felix wants to say something to that but he just can’t. He’s trying to engrave every word in his brain. He wants to keep it preciously, to always remember it when he’s on a bad day. He forgets how Chan can make someone feel so good.

He surely cries again, trembling into Christopher’s arms. They stopped trying to not cry anymore. But they’re too tired to talk, just holding silently each other. But something special is still between them. A bond that nothing can break. 

They stayed like this for hours, needing to feel the comfort of each other's bodies. Reira found them like this, dried tears on their cheeks. She didn’t say anything, just prepared a ton of cake, and attacked them with hugs afterward. Felix appreciates the double affection and to observe his Hyung being pampered by his Noona.

Seeing them so in love makes him want to have that too. His mind wanders to Changbin almost automatically, and unfortunately for him, it still hurts like hell. He can’t forget the beautiful smile of the older boy nor his sweet embrace. Felix knows he shouldn't think of it anymore.

And if his brain wandered to a dark-haired boy, with a beautiful and wide smile, tender hands, and warm embrace he didn’t really try to push his thoughts off. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi little cupcakes! 
> 
> I hope you're doing good since last week and that this monday will start good! And even if it's not, I wish you a wonderful week! 
> 
> Mine started so strangely lol, it was a mess but at the end I got a very good news so it's okay! We keep going!
> 
> I hope this chapter hasn't destroyed all of your hearts because writing a sad Chan is making me sad too... ):  
> So... next chapter gonna be an emotional mess, maybe not for you but for me. I'm not going to say anything more other than : Felix is okay, he's going to be okay, no one will die!
> 
> I'm excited and impatient to see you next week, drink and eat well cupcakes!
> 
> Love on u 💖


	14. XIV

Felix doesn’t know how but he found a way to convince Reira and Mae that he could go to Chan’s party. Alone. It was probably because both girls threatened to end Chan’s life miserably if something happened. And also because they have warned Minho, Seungmin, and Jeongin too. So, in conclusion, Felix is surveyed. 

It’s a bit bothersome because his ego wants to make him think that he’s able to take care of himself alone. The reality says something else though. Even if Felix is aware of his problems and his needs, he can still be carefree. So, he kinda accepted to have his friend’s help. For this time. 

So he did a whole preparation for tonight. He has a bag of sweets, his favorite red hoodie, his phone is fully charged. He took all of his pills before and his mood is stable and clear: he doesn’t feel anxious, quite happy to be honest. It’s a big victory for him. It’s probably because Minho took him to Matthew's flat that he's not feeling anxious or on edge.

“LIXIE-HYUNG IT’S YOUR TURN!” Jeongin screams, laughing at the same time while Felix struggles to get out of the arms of Chan.

“This is cheating mate!” He whines, trying to hold the balloon in his hands before throwing it again at Minho. 

To his surprise, everyone refused to drink. They assured him that they didn’t need any type of alcohol to have fun and that it was better for their health. They seem quite happy to not drink and it touches him that they want Felix to feel sage and threatened. Even if it's safer for him he doesn't want his friends to force themself to not drink but it seems like they have no interest in alcohol anymore. They ate pizza and were playing games since the end of their dinner. Felix was ecstatic, having the time of his life.

Since he talked with most of them, the atmosphere is light and clear. He doesn’t feel anxious with Matthew, Chan, Minho, Seugmin, or Jeongin. With Hyunjin it’s special. He feels weird, in a funny way. And deep inside he knows that something is going on with his feelings, but he’s still in denial. 

Now, with Changbin it’s another story. It’s as if both of them had decided to ignore each other, only risking a glance when the other wasn’t looking. Felix can’t stop himself from observing him. He comes to a point where he knows that he needs to confess if he wants to move on. And deep inside he’s afraid to not be able to let go all his love for him.

He thought that working on himself would make him realize that his feelings were untrue, that he built an image, something else of Changbin. But he was so wrong. He fell in love before everything, before losing himself. Once Changbin and Hyunjin got together it just awakened his fear of being left out. 

He’s still hoping to move on. Because he can’t love someone who is in a relationship with one of his friends. But when Changbin is looking at him, trying to see if everything is fine, when he puts a bowl of sweets next to him, when he makes sure that someone is always with him… it makes his heart flutters. 

He wants to make him stop but at the same time, he doesn’t want to. He still wants to grab every little thing that Changbin can give him. And it’s not good, it’s not healthy. Not until they could talk and clear things off. He knows it. And he knows that he’s not ready. But when will he be? 

And it’s not the most important thing that worries him the most right now. Because Jisung is sitting in a corner, looking at his phone. Sometimes Minho comes to cheer him up or to just be there, but he doesn’t insist. It seems like Jisung wants to be alone. And it pains Felix. Because he knows Jisung, even after all this time.

He seems terrified. He wants to cuddle, he wants to talk but he doesn’t. Is that because of him? They still didn’t have the chance to talk. Felix doesn’t know how to do it and Jisung seems still angry. Felix can understand that, so many things happened, and it's been a long time since they stopped sharing their feelings. 

He asked himself how Jisung is taking everything. If he feels like Felix left him, like he doesn’t need him anymore? He doesn’t have a clue about Jisung’s feelings. And about what he thought of this situation. He realized that he's really worried, that he wants to know _ how _ Jisung is dealing with this. This means he’s probably ready to break the ice.

Both of them need it. Jisung even more probably. He’s way too lost to do something, his anxiety kicking hard those past weeks. And Felix knows it because he was always able to see when Jisung is anxious. He also knows that his anxiety is caused because he’s lost about the whole situation. And he wants to help him. Jisung is still someone that Felix is extremely attached to.

It hit him during one of his meetings with his psychologist when he questioned him about Jisung and their relationship. It was so difficult to explain the bond that they used to share. He and Jisung have a special relationship, a special friendship. And while he recounted their story he did the worst breakdown possible. He misses Jisung a lot, he misses his presence and more. 

Jisung always had that power to calm him and to make things easier and better. It was probably funny to say that when Felix found himself alone during his depressive episode. But he realized, once he thought about it again, that Jisung tried multi-time to help him. 

When he wakes up from his horrible hangovers he would always have his favorite bread. And only Jisung knew where to find it. Sometimes when he falls asleep on the roof alone and frozen he finds a hot pack in his hands and he remembers the feeling of a warm hand on his hair. And until the end, Jisung kept doing these little gestures. To show him that he cares, even if Felix kept his mouth shuts.

It’s probably why it was so hard for Jisung to talk to him. He tried, to the point where they only fought. How did Jisung feel once he believed that Felix was dead? Thinking that their last conversation was an ugly fight? It makes Felix’s stomach feeling weird. 

Unconsciously his eyes have found Jisung’s figure. Everyone is chatting, laughing. He’s still glued to Chan’s arms, looking at his ex-best-friend with a worried look. A weird and anxious feeling is blooming in his chest, and he’s not sure if it’s his or Jisung's. Exactly at the same time, Jisung’s doe eyes look up to meet Felix's eyes. 

He stopped breathing, not knowing what to do. It’s the first time since his suicide attempt that they look at each other, for real. And what he sees in those eyes is terrifying him. He sees anger, for sure. But also pain. Lots of pain, sadness. And something else. Something deeper. Regrets, fill with fear.

Jisung being afraid of him is probably what makes him snap off his little bubble. He couldn’t let Jisung fall like he did. He couldn’t let Jisung suffer without trying something. Because he knows, as narcissistic as it sounds, that he’s the only one able to ease this pain and to free Jisung from it. 

Because it’s been the same for him when he wanted to die. It was with Jisung’s voice in his ears. And maybe, just maybe, he didn’t die because it was not his time. And because Jisung’s song protects him. It could be silly, but he wanted to believe in that. To believe that until then, Jisung thought of him with hope and love.

Felix slowly gets up from the ground, taking a slow step towards Jisung. Like he’s afraid to make him run away. They’re still looking at each other's until Felix is right in front of him. The other boy stands abruptly, all doubt turning into a mask of anger. And Felix sees clearly behind it, like always.

“What do you want?” Jisung's voice is bitter, almost acid, but he’s just afraid and Felix isn’t hurt by it.

“Can we talk? If you feel like it?” His voice is surprisingly soft and sweet, he doesn’t remember the last time he talked like this.

_ Because it’s only reserved for Jisung. _

“Why the fuck would I want to talk with you? I think it’s clear that you don’t care.” Felix wants to hold him, hearing the anger turning into the pain that he saw early. “Leave me alone.” 

Jisung didn’t wait for his answer, storming out of his corner and the room in one second. Felix only registers now that everyone stopped their activities and conversations to look over them. When he looks at his friends he sees how panicked and stressed they're. No one wants something bad to happen.

“I’m going after him.” Felix smiles, reassuring them like he can, running at the door. 

He’s going to clear that mess for good, because no one deserved to suffer again. And surely not Han Jisung.

✨ 

Felix shivers. It’s still cold outside and even more when you’re going to the roof. He laughed at himself, he said he wouldn’t go there… At least he’s not alone. And he’s not going to jump. Technically. 

When he opens the door of the roof he spots Jisung immediately. The boy is holding himself, almost falling on the ground. His eyes are glistening with anger and unshed tears. He seems so lost in his suffering. If Felix was unbothered back to his old self, Jisung is angry. And it seems directed at him.

He didn’t back off. He walks to him again, standing right in front of Jisung. Their same height is perfect to see in each other’s eyes. Jisung’s lips are dangerously quivering. Felix can already know that it’s going to be hard for both of them. But Jisung needs to let go.

“Why? Why are you doing this now?” Felix blinks, opening his mouth dumbly at Jisung's voice. 

“Because we need to talk. You have things to tell me and I have things to tell you… It’s been enough, don’t you think so?” Jisung laughs bitterly, anger flaring.

“Oh, now that you’re all happy with your friends we can talk?” He’s really angry and hurt, Felix feels like it’s going to be complicated. 

“Ji…” He sighs, looking with despair at him. “I know you wanted to talk before, and I’m sorry but I wasn’t prepared and ready for it.” 

It provokes a change in Jisung’s attitude. The anger seems to be forgotten for a bit, replaced by hurt. Jisung’s face transformed into a sad and painful expression. He seems so small and tiny in his blue hoodie. As blue as his hair. Same hair they did together when he tried the red color. 

“That’s too easy… That’s…” His tears look like small diamonds ready to fall on the ground at any moment. “You can’t just come and expect me to be willing to talk.” 

“You're right. I’m not. I just… want you to know that I can answer your questions now. I’m willing to. If you want…” He’s still standing, not knowing how to move around Jisung anymore. 

The blue-haired boy stays silent for long minutes. He seems to overthink Felix's words. Replaying it again and again. Maybe it will help him to make his decision. But Felix knows better. He knows that Jisung is already sure of himself. Because it's always been like that between them.

“Why the fuck did you tried to kill yourself ?” The anger is here again. Stronger than before. Finally, Jisung can let it go.

“I felt unwanted, alone, useless. I began to overthink a while ago, destroying myself. It’s the depression, you know. I was sick. And I couldn't ask for help, I was too afraid to do so. Probably because I thought that you would have left me. When I saw you getting closer to Hyunjin I felt betrayed. And everything began to slowly form something ugly and negative. At that time, it was the only solution my brain gave me. I’m still sick, but now I’m aware of it and I’m taking medication, I’m seeing a psychologist. I’m working on it.” 

Jisung seems confused about his feelings. Many emotions were passing on his face to the point where Felix couldn’t say what is what. Anger, anxiety, sadness? He’s fighting against himself, Felix could see it. If only he could help him and support a bit of that pain...

“I’m so angry. I’m so fucking angry at you. I was there. I was there and you…” Jisung groans, moving closer to him. “And you just didn’t care!” 

“It’s not true.” It’s something that he couldn’t accept. “I cared. I cared and I thought the only way was to… Look it’s not even logic, the way I thought. At that moment it was grey, blurry and I felt too much. I wanted peace and I thought that killing myself was perfect. It was just so hard for me.” 

“Can you believe how hard it was for us too? We tried to reach you. I tried to find the answer. But you keep pushing me off, probably because you were angry and I get it. But you can’t expect me to not be angry over this whole thing. I tried my best Felix. I tried and… and that night, I almost felt hope. When you wanted to have Sunshine on your phone. I hope it will be better. And…” Jisung suddenly stops, looking with wide eyes at him like something is bothering him. “Why the fuck did you ask for that song?!” 

It seems like Jisung realized something. He’s maybe the only one who got that Felix wanted to die with Sunshine in his ears for a reason. And right now, it hurts him to remember it. Because Jisung seems  _ devastated  _ by the thought. Felix could only look at him with a painful expression.

And then it hit Jisung. His face turns white and he begins to sob violently, his whole body shaking. He grips his own arms, almost falling on the ground. He kept screaming “why? why?” and Felix felt his emotions taking a toll on him, he wanted to cry badly. But he needs to answer him. Even if it hurt them. 

“Because it was the perfect song to die.” He closes his eyes, wishing to have formulated this differently. “I thought about quitting this world peacefully. And even if it can be horrible for you to hear that, this is the truth. I just wanted to die with your voice and your comforting words.” 

Jisung’s eyes turn wider, full of pain. He throws himself at Felix, gripping his shoulders. Like he wanted to be sure that it was real and not a dream. Felix almost fell, gripping Jisung’s arms to stabilize them. He didn’t get why that song has so much impact. 

“Shit, Felix. How can…. just how could you?!” Jisung is angrier, almost punching him with his fist on his chest. “Not with that fucking song!”

“What is the problem with that song exactly…?” Felix’s heart is beating furiously, he fears for the answer.

Jisung is still sobbing against him, not punching his chest anymore. He needs some minutes to calm down enough to look up at Felix. And when he does, Felix wants to turn away from those eyes. They're full of hurt. Jisung is hurting, and it’s breaking Felix.

“I wrote that song for you!” Felix feels sick right now. “Sunshine was supposed to be a song for you because you have always been my Sunshine and now you tell me you used it to try to kill yourself?!” 

Felix wants to throw up at the implication of it. He never thought for one second that Jisung would have written a song for him, even less Sunshine. But then, Jisung always called him the Sunshine boy, always telling him how bright his life was by his side. 

He can’t even imagine how hurt and sick it is for Jisung. He writes a song for his best friend, to show how important he is for him. And Felix used it to end his life because he found that song beautiful and comforting to leave this world. Felix can only try to understand how angry and pained Jisung can be.

“I’m so… I’m so sorry….” When Jisung looks up at him, Felix can’t hold back his emotions, breaking down.

Ugly and loud sobs escape his mouth. He couldn’t support them anymore, falling on the ground, Jisung following him. They’re only a mess of painful tears and emotions that have stayed inside of them for too long. They just looked at each other, crying louder and like babies, but they didn’t care.

It hurts. It just hurts so much. Felix seems to only feel how sad he's since Jisung is not by his side anymore. Being with him, crying over their own emotions hit him violently. It’s so painful. It hurts like it never did. If only they could have talked before...

What's more painful is to watch Jisung crying so much. To have put a black hole on a beautiful thing. Jisung had put so much love in that song and Felix tainted it. He feels so sick, so bad, to have destroyed that for Jisung. Guilt is slowly making its way on his skin, he could feel it.

He doesn’t know what to do, other than saying sorry, again and again. Jisung is only crying harder, choking on his spit and his tears. They’re both going to turn sick by crying so hard and so much. But they need to evacuate everything. 

“S...Say sorry once more… and I’m smacking you…” Jisung isn’t sounding threatening at all, but it stops Felix for good. 

“Ji!” He cries painfully again, looking at him in the eyes with raw sincerity. “I never wanted to… I miss you…” It was so hard to talk for the moment, but Felix needed at least to say it once because it's burning inside of him. “I LOVE YOU!”

Jisung only cries harder but this time he hugs Felix. And it feels so much better to hug him. It’s been so long since they were this close and it brings the comfort they needed at that moment. Felix didn’t hesitate to hold firmly Jisung against him, hiding into his neck. 

Their emotions were mixed and confused. But it seems like they break that wall behind them. They both hurt each other in many ways. But it does not change the way they still need to hold onto the other, to stay close. Because they’re still Han Jisung and Lee Felix. 

_ “You’re the cheese to my cheesecake, Lee Felix.” _

✨ 

Minho was the one who found them crying. He immediately called the rest of the boys, afraid that they had fought or something else. It was blurry since that moment, Felix barely registers anything. He just knows that they tried to separate them but neither Jisung or him accept it. 

It seems like they passed out from exhaustion. When he opens his eyes again he’s in his room and Jisung is pressed against him. He needs a long time to wake up and to remember everything. It doesn’t hurt less but at least he doesn’t want to cry again. He surely doesn’t have any water left in his body anymore. 

His head is pounding painfully and he groans, closing his eyes. When he turns to his nightstand he registers a bottle of water, and not vodka, with peppermint. His noonas are the best. He didn’t wait to drink half of the bottle and to use the peppermint on his neck, feeling the fresh sensation. He could feel the effect on his head already and it’s soothing. 

It helps to ease his painful head and to clear his thoughts. He’s still exhausted and he knows it will be useless to talk right now. And Jisung is still asleep against him. But he knows that if he doesn’t fall asleep again, Jisung will wake up. It always turns like this. If one of them woke up, the other would soon after.

That’s why Felix closes his eyes again, cuddling Jisung. His best-friend grumbles in contentment and hides more in his neck. The warmth makes him drift to dreamland in two seconds. His body and mind need to have a good rest. 

He promises himself to clear off everything tomorrow with a hot cup of chocolate. It was still scary and confusing, but Felix knows it's different. Because they still share their unique bond, their unique relationship. And no one could ever remove it from them.

_ Because if Lee Felix is the cheese of Jisung’s cheesecake, Han Jisung is the chocolate to the choco chips cookie of Felix. _

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good morning, good night everyone!
> 
> I hope that you're feeling good, that your week was good and that you're ready for a new one! 
> 
> I'm coming back with one of my favorite chapter. We're finally coming to Jilix's friendship because it's something that has always been very important for Felix. At first, it was supposed to be one chapter but it would have been too long. So... see you next week for the second part of the Jilix's part! 
> 
> I hope that you liked that chapter as much as I liked to write it...! 
> 
> Take care little cupcakes, love on you!


	15. XV

When Felix wakes up the next time it’s very late in the morning. Probably around noon. His head isn’t pounding like before but he still feels the need to drink a whole river. He groans loudly, trying to hide in his pillow and to knock himself back to dreamland. Until a small hand nudges him softly.

He opens his eyes, lost for a minute, until he meets two beautiful doe eyes with small drops of unshed tears on them. Jisung and he stayed like this for a long time, observing each other. Felix remembers once more the previous event, feeling the emotions settling again in his chest.

He’s quite lost about yesterday. Something has drastically changed between them for sure. Their bond seems to be back at full force but they still didn’t have the chance to, _really,_ talk. At least, it seems like Jisung isn’t angry anymore. Felix prefers having him raw, without any mask. 

“Tell me that everything was a dream.” Jisung’s voice is weak and raspy, pleading. It hurts Felix.

“Well, I have no idea of why you’re in my bed if everything was a dream.” Jisung groans and hides his face in his hands, sighing loudly.

Felix doesn’t know what he’s supposed to say or to do in this situation. It’s not every day that you told your best friend about you trying to die with the song he composed for you. He still feels so bad about it, like he seriously broke something with it.

“I’m…” Jisung groans when he hears Felix trying to talk, making him shut up immediately.

“If you say sorry one more time I’m going to seriously lose it.” Jisung removes his hands from his face, looking tired. “I’m confused.”

“I know. Me too.” Felix sighs, taking the rest of the water from yesterday. “Drink this, I’m going to search for another one.”

He doesn’t wait for an answer, moving from his bed with the speed of the light. He wants to escape from all the confusion and tension between them. It seems like no one else is in the flat. Felix arches a brow, going to the kitchen to take one bottle of water. His eyes caught a paper on the counter.

_Hey, hope you slept well… Yesterday seems to have been rough for the both of you. Lovely and I decided to let the two of you alone, to talk. We’re coming back in the evening. I’m going to Minho’s flat where Chris is. Try to send him a message, the boy is panicking lol._

_Love you Angel,_

_Rei._

“We’re alone?” Felix jumps, putting his hand on his heart. He looks up to see Jisung hiding behind the door, with just his face to be seen. 

“Yeah…” Felix sighs, closing his eyes for a minute. “Come here, I’m going to cook pancakes and… yeah.” 

He turns to take what he needs, the bottle of water long forgotten. He knows that cooking will clear his head up. He tries to not think of Jisung right now. He just heard him moving and sitting somewhere, probably on one of the chairs behind the counter. Felix focuses only on his preparation, looking at the recipe that Reira and Mae have put on the fridge. 

“It’s nice…” Felix looks up at Jisung, looking confused. “Your flat…” Jisung’s cheeks are red.

Felix softened suddenly. Of course, Jisung is uneasy about yesterday, feeling as lost and as sad as him. Of course, he doesn’t know what to say or what to do either. He closes his eyes and puts away his bowl with the pancakes dough, going to Jisung. The boy is looking at him with big innocent and scary eyes. 

“Come here.” He opens his arms, Jisung hesitating for one second before throwing himself on his embrace. “Yeah, it’s a very nice flat. I love it so much. It’s always smelling nice and it’s comforting.” He strokes the boy's back, soothing his anxiety. “It’s okay Ji, it’s okay. I know that this is scary and confusing but we’re going to work it out.”

“I’m… I’m just so lost. One day it’s like we’re strangers and now it’s like we’re desperately trying to stay together.” Jisung’s voice is still weak and sad, breaking Felix’s heart. “I’m tired of that… I want… I want it back.” 

“What do you want back? Our relationship?” Felix is confused, and kind of scared because they could never find their old relationship again.

“No. Us. I mean… what the both of us are right now, I want that. I want us back. You know?” Jisung seems so confused, it’s cute and it reassures Felix to hear that.

“Yeah, I get what you mean. I miss us too.” He sighs softly. “Look, drink some water and we’re going to eat. It’s going to be easier to talk after.”

“Okay…” Jisung lets his arms slide off Felix’s back, looking less tense than before.

Felix returns to his pancakes, trying his best to not mess up. He knows that with someone else next to him he tends to stress and make mistakes easily. Jisung is drinking the water from the bottle and tells him that he’s going to call the boys, to let them know that they’re still alive. One thing that Felix doesn't have to do. 

✨

After the call that reassures most of them, and the surprisingly good breakfast, they both sit on the sofa with a mug of hot chocolate. Felix is facing Jisung and he’s observing him, it’s been so long, in a way. The boy seems a bit thinner, his cheeks less chubby and he just wants to make him eat all the food in the world. 

His blue hair is messy and his eyes seem tired but more bright than yesterday night, which is good. Felix hopes that at the end of the day he’s going to see that bright smile too. Jisung is naturally beautiful, but so stunning once he smiles. 

“So…” Jisung looks at his hot chocolate, pouting. “You liked my song?” Felix couldn’t stop his laugh.

“Oh my God, I’m really sorry...” It’s probably nervousness, but joking about that helps to ease the whole situation. “I… Yeah. A lot.” 

Jisung stays silent after that and Felix is afraid to have messed up things even more. He bites his lips, trying to observe Jisung to see if something is wrong. But nothing seems to have changed. He sighs, ready to apologize again, but Jisung talks before he could say something. 

“When I wrote Sunshine, I felt very alone. It was so complicated. I kept thinking about you, and the way you were acting. I knew something was terribly wrong and I was just so fucking afraid. You closed off so much, like you didn’t want anyone to be near you. And I didn’t know what to do. I tried to let you space, I thought it was the best solution… And when I was feeling low, I tried to think about you." The ghost of a tender smile appears on Jisung's face while he seems lost in painful memories. "And it’s how Sunshine was written.” Jisung looks up at him, eyes full of softness and sadness. “I wanted to put my emotions, the one I couldn’t share, into something. I wanted to make it for you, dedicated to you. This song, all of it, it’s you. You and only you. How you made me feel back then when everything seems wrong and when only you could light up my day...”

Felix gulps, trying to hold back the tears that wanted to fall. He always knew that Jisung loves him a lot, but hearing it is different. He doubted so much at one moment. He doubted about everything, but the most hurting doubt was Jisung’s feeling. Their friendship counts so much for him.

“I…” He takes a deep breath, looking at his hot chocolate. “Sunshine was so comforting for me. It was the only thing that kept me grounded. And… I’m really sorry to tell you this, Ji. But I need to... I want to be honest, and it's going to be hard...” He looks up at him, continuing only when Jisung nods. “It was so dull and so grey back then. I only wanted to stop suffering and bothering the world. And… I wanted to die peacefully and Sunshine was the only thing that brought me peace. I thought that listening to your voice one last time was the perfect way to finish things…” 

He stops when Jisung breaks down crying. If someone is more affected than himself in his suicide attempt, it could only be Jisung. Jisung always felt too much, always understood better than anyone else Felix. And he knows it. He puts his hand on Jisung’s thigh, reminding him that he’s still here.

“But… I realized something, not long ago.” Jisung takes his hands, interlacing their fingers. “If I didn’t die this day, I think it was because the Universe didn’t want it. And Sunshine… I really think that it's saved me. It sounds so fucking cliché but I don’t give a fuck.” Jisung snorts behind his tears. “I… I didn’t want things to turn that way.”

“Me neither.” Jisung sighs, looking at him. “I was so angry. I felt like I didn’t matter to you, I was angry at you for leaving me. When I thought it was you, the corpse that they found, I could only think of one thing: How am I going to survive without Felix? I panicked so much. And the only way for me to survive at that moment was to be angry.”

Felix could understand that. Back then, Felix tried to stay unbothered and to keep his feelings away. To survive. He failed miserably because it only made him try to die. And now that he’s dealing with his feelings, he feels way much better even if it's hard. Thinking about Jisung hating him made him wanted to stop again. But he didn't. 

“I get that Ji and I’m not angry or upset over this you know? I never was. I mean…” Felix sighs. “Since I’m working on myself, I’m not angry at you. I was worried and I kept thinking about you. But I felt like it wasn’t a good moment to talk. Because I didn’t have sorted out things about you, until yesterday when I saw you alone.”

“You were angry before, then? Why?” Jisung looks curiously at him, eyes confused and scared.

“When I began my depression without knowing it, I began to think that I was a burden. And I was seeing you getting closer to Jinnie. And I just… I lost it because I was feeling so bad about Changbin-Hyung and Hyunjin. I felt like Jinnie stole you from me. After, I realized I was pushing all of you and I just put my anger on Jinnie. I overthought.” 

“I…” Jisung blinks tears, shaking his head. “I could never replace you… But… If I’m following you there, back then everything was blurry?”

“Yeah. I was doubting everything and everyone. Depression is like… you have a filter on your mind. Only negative and hurtful thoughts are passing. It’s what my psychologist explained to me and actually how I felt.”

“And now? How are you feeling?” Jisung and Felix get closer, physically, to each other at this point. 

“Better. I have medication for my depression and I’m monitored by a doctor and my psychologist that I meet once per week. But I’m still suffering from it, it’s a disease. I’m doing better but I have moments when I’m feeling so down… But I don’t want to die now, I don’t want to close myself either.”

“That’s good. I’m glad.” Jisung smiles, for the first time. It’s tiny but it’s sincere. “I’m… I feel bad, you know? It looks like I wasn’t there for you when you needed me the most…”

“No, no. Ji.” Felix feels the urge to hold him, making him straddling his lap. “No Jisung. I swear it’s not that. You were here, you always were here. The bread, the hot pack, the hand on my hair when I passed out… You did your best. I was the one who pushed everyone. I don’t know if it was possible to save me back then. And I don’t want to think with “if”, it’s… it brings nothing.”

“It’s still not easy. To not feel guilty. Lix… You were my best friend, the cheese to my cheesecake… I just…” Jisung sighs again, letting his forehead hit Felix’s shoulder. “I don’t even know. It’s hard to accept it.”

“Gosh, I know. It was hard to accept that I let our bond break because of that too… It’s my worst mistake and regret, you know. When I think of it, I’m so sad to have pushed you and the boys. But at the same time, I don’t want to bring myself down. It was for a reason and I strongly believe that it was for me to work on myself. To learn who I am, to trust me, and to love me.” 

“I love it.” Jisung looks up at him. “I love the way you transformed yourself in… you. The fact that you’re just you. It feels good to see you living again…” Jisung looks at him, breathing shuddering and voice breaking down. “I just love you so much Felix that it hurts…” 

“Jisung…” Felix feels sparkles of tears going on his face. “It’s… no one ever tells me that.” His chest is full of butterflies at this point. “I love you too Ji, so much. I realized it even more yesterday. I felt the need to scream it, because I just get how important I was and… and yeah.” 

“I never stopped once to think about you. I lost the count of how many times I cried in Min-hyung’s arms about missing you…” Felix giggles, nuzzling against Jisung’s face.

“I did a whole breakdown with my psychologist over you… It was hard.” Jisung giggles too, sighing in contentment. 

They both stay like this, holding each other. It was so great, so good to be able to feel the warmness of the other. Felix realizes that he never wants to be apart from Jisung anymore. He misses his best friend so much, it was a pure torture. Now that they’re into each other's arms, he feels complete.

It’s like he has the missing part of his puzzle. The missing he craved so much about himself. His other half, the one that is always able to understand him. Felix knows, while looking at Jisung’s eyes, that he doesn’t have to say more. He just understood. And it feels so great to have him back.

“So…” Jisung pouts slowly, looking at him with his big doe’s eyes. “We’re going to work on us? Because I want to still be a part of your life babe.”

Felix begins to cry at that, making Jisung coos. The pet name used to be theirs. It was the one they always used and they never called someone else like this. It just brings back so many good memories and nice feelings. He nods frantically, feeling Jisung’s arms over him. 

Again, they stay like this. And Felix feels so safe in Jisung’s arms. He misses that feeling so much. For a long time in a while, he slept well and soundly. He forgot how it was, to sleep that good. When he woke up Jisung was barely awake himself and they laughed at their faces.

✨

Hours later, Mae and Reira come back with groceries in their arms. They seemed a bit surprised to see them like this but they were happy. After all, Felix is glowing and it’s the most important thing. Jisung is shy at first but Rei keeps cooing over him and his cheeks, to the point where he’s officially a part of the family.

“So…” Reira is hugging Mae, who is trying to put the groceries in order. “Jilix is back?” 

“Oh yes.” Jisung is helping Mae, smiling widely. “Jilix is back and better than ever!” 

“Holy Pink.” Felix jumps when Reira suddenly swears, looking at her. She seems excited. “Wait, wait… the two of you… Lovely!”

“Wait, what?” Mae seems lost for one second but then she opens her eyes wide. “Oh my Yellow yeah! Red and Blue!”

“...Babe…” Jisung hides behind him, gripping his hands. “What is going on, I’m a bit afraid…”

“Oh, don’t worry.” Felix laughs, kissing Jisung’s cheeks. “They just realized that we’re platonic soulmates.” 

✨

Days after, everything seems to feel lighter and better. Minho is so happy and relieved to see Jisung smile again. Felix has the luck to see the MinSung being cuddly and cheesy, for his joy. But he’s so happy to see his dear soulmate in love and full of joy. It’s the most important thing for him. 

Slowly they get into a routine, they learn to talk with each other, to share, to feel together. It feels good, and it’s nice to know that Felix has someone by his side when he’s not feeling well. Jisung assisted one of his breakdowns, not leaving his side. It seems like he knew what to do.

After that, Jisung shared his most private and secrets thoughts and what he’s feeling inside. With exams coming up he’s stressed, more than usual. His anxiety is bad and rocking high. Felix and Minho are always by his side, soothing him as much as they can. Until one night, when Jisung was at Felix’s flat.

“I don’t know what to do.” He’s laying down, his head on Felix’s chest. “I want to scream, but I just can’t. Everything seems to be… blocked inside.”

“Hum…” Felix strokes Jisung’s hair, biting his lips. “And what if… you write a song?”

“A song? Babe, I’m unable to write anything with 3racha…” Jisung seems on the verge of tears and Felix shakes his head.

“No, no. Not for 3racha. For you.” Felix looks at Jisung, seriously. “If it’s blocked, maybe you can work that out? By doing what you’re good at. Writing and composing. Just, let your mind wander and do his magic. You’re feeling lonely right? Like all days seem to be the same…”

“Wait.” Jisung suddenly stands up, eyes wider and bright. “Repeat that.”

“...Which part?” Felix looks at him, confused and scared for one second, trying to not lose what he said.

“Last part.” Jisung mumbles, already searching for a paper and a pen. Felix blinks, nodding.

“All days seem to be the same… You know, it’s just another day.” Jisung groans, taking his phone and typing furiously.

“Damn, I love you, babe.” Felix whispers a “me too”, looking curiously at his best friend.

It seems like Felix found the right solution because Jisung kept writing, again and again, not losing one second. Felix observes the way Jisung’s eyes kept moving, him muttering things under his breath. He’s happy to see him this excited about it.

After 15 minutes, Jisung smiles. A relieved smile, the kind of one that shows how relaxed you are after a long day. The kind of smile that makes Felix feel better too. They both shared a knowing smile, matching glint in their eyes. 

And it’s how Another day is born. 

✨

“ _By the way Babe, I forget to tell you but last time, you told me that you felt a hand on your hair? You know when you told me I was always there for you?”_

_“Yes, I remember feeling it when I passed out on the roof. Since you left me hot packs, I get that it was you.”_

_“But it wasn’t me, Lix. I only left you hot packs.”_

_“Who it was then…?”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good morning, good afternoon, good evening, or good night to you dear cupcakes! 
> 
> I hope you're feeling good, that your week was good and that you had a great weekend, at least that this update is making you feel better. 
> 
> So, here we go with Jilix. One more step for Felix, closer to the end but not at all... aha! I really hope that you loved this chapter. And hope all of you are curious about that mysterious hand... hehe...
> 
> Also, I'm a bit worried over some of my readers that stopped commenting, I just hope all of you are okay (don't get me wrong, I'm not asking for comments, I mean I love more than anything when you guys give me feedback, really, but I don't want to pressure anyone!). So I just hope all of you are feeling okay!
> 
> Anyhwang, I wish you a good day and a good week, see you next time for a new update! 
> 
> Take care of yourself, eat well, drink a lot, and never stop to fight, you're doing great cupcakes. Love on you 💖


	16. XVI

On this bright and cool day, Felix was working on the grass, trying to finish his essay. The air is hotter now, so he does his best to stay outside. He loves to breathe the fresh air, to touch the grass, to feel the nature around him. It’s easier for him to work too. Like now. 

“Can I sit here?” Felix looks up with wide eyes at Hyunjin, blinking in surprise. “Sorry, did I scare you?”

“No, no, you just surprised me.” Felix offers him a little smile, nodding softly his head. “But sure, go on.” 

Hyunjin smiles and sits next to him, opening his books. Felix turns back his attention to his computer, continuing to write his essay. The atmosphere is light, surprisingly, but it’s a very good surprise for Felix. He smiles at his though, focusing again on his subject and nothing else.

✨

Felix yawns loudly, stretching his body as much as he can. He suddenly thinks of Minho, who told him that he looks like a cat when he’s doing that. He’s sure that’s the reason why the older dancer loves him so much, just because he looks like a cat. 

By automatism, he turns his head to look at the figure next to him. Hyunjin is still focused on his books. It allows Felix to observe him in detail. From the dark of his hair to every unique feature of his face. His pretty brown eyes, with the mole under his left one, his pretty and long nose, his plush lips. Full and pink.

The Hwang Prince is truly beautiful, a real piece of art. Even more under the soft ray of Sunshine that graces him. Like the Universe decides to emphasize his beauty. He asks himself how it’s possible to be this handsome, this pretty. He understands better why Changbin is in love with him.

He frowns at his thoughts. First of all, it’s disturbing. Secondly, he feels bad to have thought like this. Hyunjin is not just a handsome boy. He’s far away from just being beautiful and pretty. He’s also a very kind and sensitive friend, always there to help when he can.

He was kind of close to him, before. They danced together and had long night conversations sitting on the floor of the dance studio. Sometimes Minho would join but most of the time it was only them. It wasn’t deep conversations, full of emotions, or something else. It was simple and light.

With their studies and personal lives, it became less and less frequent. It wasn’t a problem, they both knew that they were busy. It’s not like they didn’t talk, since they were in the same group of friends. But once Felix caught him getting closer to Changbin, he distanced himself. 

And then the story followed. Hyunjin and Changbin get together and Felix drowned himself in his suffering and hatred. Since then everything has changed. Coming back to peaceful conversations is something that Felix never thought of, but he’s glad that it worked. Because Hyunjin is worth it. 

“Want to take a picture?” Felix goes back to earth, meeting bright brown eyes and a teasing smirk. “It’s going to last longer like this.”

“Sorry.” He didn’t sound sorry at all, no one can sound sorry when they’re watching Hyunjin’s beauty. “I prefer a video of your dorky ass, even better.”

Hyunjin opens his eyes wide, staying still for a second over Felix's ability to talk back with tease. For a second, he thinks that he did something wrong and that the Hwang Prince is going to sulk. Until he suddenly laughs, loudly and clearly. The kind of laugh that is real and that Felix absolutely loves. 

He always laughs when he hears Hyunjin’s one. Because it’s so contagious and cute at the same time. It brings him happiness and for a second, he smiles tenderly at him. Too tenderly for it to be innocent. 

“I really missed your snarky tongue, Lix.” Hyunjin is still smiling brightly at him and it hurts a bit his eyes to see something this beautiful. 

“I know. Everyone misses it. But I bet you missed my cuddles more, no?” Felix smiles at him, full of light and a mischievous glint in his eyes.

Hyunjin seems to be taken aback. They have always been the cuddliest boys of their group, so it wasn’t a surprise for them to end up wrapped against each other at one point. But it’s been a very long time since they touched. Felix, once more, is afraid to have said something wrong.

“Yeah.” Hyunjin smiles at him and Felix can swear he saw something in his eyes, hope maybe. Or he’s just delusional, wouldn’t be a first. “I miss it, to be honest.”

Felix bites his lips, thinking a lot. He feels bad, at the way Hyunjin seems so sincere. He’s not gonna lie, a hug sounds good. And he doesn’t want to ask himself too many questions so he just moves closer to the black hair boy, opening slowly his arms into an invitation. 

Hyunjin’s eyes shine, from tears or joy? Felix isn’t able to say because Hyunjin wrapped his arms around him before he could see it better. The hug seems sudden even if Felix was the one to initiate it. But then he feels the warmness of Hyunjin’s body, he feels the heart of his friend beating and he melts like an ice cream.

He slides his arms around Hyunjin’s body, closing softly his eyes to appreciate the moment better. He even lets his head found Hyunjin’s neck, just in the junction between his shoulder and his neck. When his nose finds the skin he feels Hyunjin shivers. Maybe his nose is too cold? 

He could fall asleep into this warm embrace. Hyunjin is like a safe place and Felix is surprised to feel this good after all this time. He realized how much he misses hugging his friends, especially the Prince. He buries himself deeper in his arms while Hyunjin hugs him firmly. 

“You know…” Felix sighs, opening his eyes but still hiding into Hyunjin’s neck. “I couldn’t bear being touched when I was doing my bad depressive episode…”

“Yeah. I saw.” Hyunjin’s voice is soft against his head, like a lullaby. “I wanted to hug you, you know? But I was afraid.”

“Hum…” It’s something that he never said to anyone, except Jisung, so it feels weird to share it with Hyunjin but he kind of trusts him on this. “A part of me was desperate to touch all of you, to feel warmness… But I thought that if I touched someone, if I got affection, I would break. And it turns to disgust in some ways. I wanted to hide, to stay away, and for that, I needed to not be touched. If someone would have hugged me, it would have broken every little wall and destroyed me.”

“That’s… sad.” Hyunjin seems to hug him harder, one of his hands on his lower back. “I’m so sorry that you end up feeling like this, Lix. And I’m glad if you allow yourself to be in physical contact with us now. This means you’re not afraid to break, right?”

“Kind of.” Felix needs to move his legs and Hyunjin opens his, letting him sit in between the free space, it’s better like this. “More like… I'm not afraid to lean on you if I need it. And I know I will not break if someone touches me.”

“It’s good then.” Hyunjin sighs softly, with relief. “I’ll take on me to hug you as much as I want.” 

Felix’s heart beats faster at this statement. He could feel himself blushing and he wants to snort at his needy ass. Deep down, he knows why he’s reacting like this. But he only giggled, hiding better into Hyunjin’s neck.

“My pleasure Jinnie.” Finally, he decides to peek at him with his hazel eyes. “You know, I feel sorry for you. It felt like I treated you badly before and for no acceptable reasons. And I’m sorry for that.”

It’s something that wasn’t easy for Felix. To even accept it was wrong of him to act like this with the older boy. He wanted to hate on Hyunjin because of his own inability to sort out his relationship with Changbin. And in his mind, Hyunjin was one of the reasons why it didn’t work out. It was easier, but so wrong.

Now, he realized it. It’s not Hyunjin’s fault nor Changbin. They love each other, they didn't have to hide their feelings for him, it wouldn’t have been right. He doesn’t want to blame himself either, but he could have taken the problem with his hands and confessed. Things that he didn’t do. And he couldn’t blame others for that. 

“It’s okay. It was complicated and I know you didn’t mean it. You always wore that look… like you were sorry.” Hyunjin smiles at him and he feels even sadder to have treated this boy like this. “I wasn’t an angel either because of that. We both fucked up here. I’m sorry too, if I was so harsh on you at that moment…”

“It’s okay… You were just answering back.” Felix smiles, not upset over it at all.

“Not… really.” Hyunjin looks at him with so much emotion in those eyes, it takes his breath away. “But… it’s hard to explain.”

“Maybe it’s not the moment.” Felix rushes to say, putting his hands on Hyunjin’s chest. “Don’t push yourself.”

“...Yeah.” Hyunjin seems relieved, smiling again and Felix’s heart feels better. “I’m glad to have you back Felix.” The Prince’s voice is shaking and his eyes are full of tears, it’s so sudden that Felix doesn’t understand. “I was so afraid to lose you for real… I…” Tears rolled down Hyunjin’s pretty face and Felix’s heart broke. “It was like… like no more happiness could exist anymore…”

When Hyunjin broke into tears, Felix was distraught. It’s so sudden and for the first time, for a long moment, he doesn’t know how to react. Because it awakens so many emotions in him, it’s difficult to grab and to put them in place. In the right place. 

But he needs to react, so he takes Hyunjin’s face with his hands and he wipes the tears gently. He tries to not cry himself, trying to soothe the Prince. Hyunjin looks at him with so much… love in his eyes, so much sadness that it hurts him.

“It’s okay to let it out Jinnie, it’s okay. I’m here now, I’m not planning on leaving.” He whispers, stroking his hair. “I’m not gonna…”

_ “I’m not gonna leave you behind.” _

Chan’s voice rings first, then Reira’s one. And suddenly he’s not sure if it’s a good idea to say it. Because is he able to not leave him behind? Could he hold that promise? He knows that lying to Hyunjin will only break him more. Hyunjin. But also him. 

But when he looks at those beautiful eyes, those quivering pink lips, he knows the answer. No, no he can’t leave Hwang Hyunjin. He can’t leave his boys. He loves them too much for that, and he wants to live and to love them more. 

“I’m not gonna leave you behind, Hyunjin.” He whispers firmly, looking with sincerity at the boy in his arms.

When Hyunjin buries himself in Felix’s embrace, holding him with desperation, Felix realizes he’s able to hold himself. And to hold people, people that aren’t Jisung because his soulmate is an exception. It felt great to be able to do that again.

He also realized that Hyunjin’s embrace isn’t the same as before, that his reaction towards the Prince isn’t the one he used to have. His mind goes back to their meetings in the alcohol storage of that supermarket. And how things change. It’s with a sort of resignation and tiredness that he realized it. Or, that he finally admits it. 

_ Lee Felix is in love with Hwang Hyunjin.  _

✨

After that crying session, Felix walked Hyunjin to the dance studio. The older boy needed to work on something for the showcase. It’s a subject that he tried to avoid badly because he knows that he couldn’t lie to Hyunjin if he asks him about Felix's project and about what it will be about.

With what happened between them earlier, and the realization of his feelings for the Hwang Prince, he’s more than lost. At the same time, he knows that he needs to confess his love to Changbin. But is he even in love with him anymore? Isn’t he mixing things? 

He knows for sure that what he feels for Hyunjin is real, by how he reacted, by how he differentiated him from Changbin. When he watched those eyes, when he touched the Prince, his heart was melting from fondness and deep emotions that he tried to hide before. 

In his lost mind, he just decides to be blunt. At least for his performance. He’s not going to throw at Hyunjin:  _ Hey dude, I only realized that I’m fucking in love with you when you burst into tears in my arms lol, funny right?  _

“Jinnie.” The dark hair boy stopped, turning himself to look at Felix better. “About the showcase… I’m going to perform to The Truth Untold.”

“Really?” Hyunjin seems excited, smiling brightly again. He’s not realizing the implication of the song. “Wait isn’t it…”

Felix feels almost sick when he sees the way Hyunjin’s smile drop. Even if he didn’t get the fact that it’s dedicated to his feelings toward Changbin, he could understand it’s about himself and how he felt. It’s a sad song for Fuck Sake.

But to his surprise, Hyunjin’s smile comes back. It’s softer, sweeter. He looks at him with fondness and it’s not helping Felix’s feelings towards him. He seems to fall for sweet guys if you look at Changbin and him…

“I’m sure you’re going to be great. It’s going to be awesome, Lix.” Hyunjin’s smile is too tender and Felix isn’t feeling great.

“Jinnie…” His voice is desperate, he hates that. “It’s a confession about Changbin-Hyung…”

“I know.” It surprised Felix so much that he can’t react right away. “Do it, Felix. If you want to do it, just go. We both know feelings suit you perfectly when you dance, you’re going to be awesome.”

“But…” Felix blinks at him, hazel eyes full of tears. “I don’t want to hurt you, I don’t want to… I don’t want to hurt people.” 

“Lixie…” Hyunjin sighs, dropping his bag on the floor and taking Felix’s face in his hands. “Stop thinking about that. You’re not going to hurt us, you’re going to talk and to express your feelings. It’s your own heart that you’re going to expose and… and I’m more scared of you hurting yourself…”

Felix has difficulty breathing at the intensity of his feelings for Hyunjin right now. It’s hard to realize how deep he’s for that boy. And how important he seems to be for Hyunjin. He never thought that he could mean so much to the Hwang Prince. 

And he realized that he needs to stop hiding behind excuses. He’s so afraid of talking that he kept projecting into others. Hyunjin is right, he’s more at risk to hurt himself than to hurt others. And deep down, he knows that he needs to liberate that. 

He needs to admit openly, to the world and Changbin, his feelings towards him. And he’s going to deal with the consequences after. Because he can do it, he’s not alone. He has people behind him. 

“I’m not alone. I’ll be okay…” Felix whispers, letting a teardrop on his cheek. “It’s going to be okay…”

Is he trying to convince himself or Hyunjin? He doesn’t know. The Hwang Prince only whipped his tears and hugged him. They parted with tender smiles and small words of encouragement.

The dangerousness of his feelings hit him in the face when he went back home. Does he seriously fall in love with another taken man? Is the Universe mocking him? At least, he’s used to the feeling. He just hopes that his heart isn’t going to break more…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone.
> 
> I hope you had a good week and also a good and refreshing weekend! I wish you the best for the next week. It's going to be halloween soon, I'm excited!
> 
> Here comes the XVI chapter, with a poor struggling Felix... I need to warn you, the next chapter is going to be emotional, in a good way. A really good way, from my point of view. (: 
> 
> Please, take care of yourself, eat and drink well, take time for yourself if you need it. 
> 
> Love on you guys 💖


	17. XVII

Felix needs to blink the sweat off his eyes, exhaling loudly. His legs feel heavy and if he continues he’s going to kiss the ground. He lets himself fall gently on the floor, stopping weekly the song that is playing right now in the dance studio. He’s going to turn insane at this point, he heard it way too many times.

He closes his eyes weakly, trying to find his breath again. He’s exhausted, worn-out, on the verge of giving up his whole life. Since when has he become so dramatic? Is he trying to compete for being a Drama King? He snorts at himself, taking a big gulp of air.

He has been dancing since the beginning of the afternoon. The showcase is close and he feels like he’s not prepared. At the same time, he wants to give up and to not dance at all. Maybe because that song has way too many meanings for him? 

He’s so afraid. He’s going to show a part of himself that he tried so hard to hide. And on the Showcase day he’s going to show it to a lot of people, and his friends. To Changbin. And to Hyunjin. Gosh, he’s so afraid. 

Since last time, Hyunjin has become an important part of his thoughts. He didn’t see him because they’re both very busy but he kept thinking of him, again and again. He’s so lost in his feelings, he doesn’t know what is real anymore. 

He’s persuaded to be in love with Hyunjin, and it’s confusing his feelings for Changbin. Maybe because he loved the older for so long that he only attached sadness and hurt memories to this love? It’s so different from Hyunjin.

Even if the boy is already in love, in a relationship  _ with _ Changbin, it doesn’t feel the same. It’s almost comforting, he has no idea of why and it scares him. He feels bad, sick even, to have fallen in love with him. But he just can’t control his feelings. It’s just so hard to put everything in their places. 

When the door of the studio opens he turns his head, sure of seeing Minho or Hyunjin at this hour. What a surprise when the small yet built figure of Seo Changbin stands in front of him, in all his glory.

And shit. Because every doubt is erased once he meets those dark eyes. Those kind and soft dark eyes, full of worry and unsaid things. His stomach drops on the ground and his heartaches and melts at the same time. He’s  _ so _ in love with Seo Changbin that it hurts.

“Hey…” Since when he last heard that voice directed at  _ him _ ? It feels surreal. 

“Hey.” His voice is shaking. His whole body is shaking. He’s petrified on the ground. 

“I didn’t know you’re staying this late. You shouldn't...” Seungmin said the same thing. Changbin throws a tentative smile and it irritates him. 

They didn’t talk once since his suicide attempt. Not once. It’s barely if they look at each other. And Changbin comes like everything is good and great, that birds are singing and that love is everywhere? What is he thinking? That Felix is a Teletubby? 

“I… I don’t understand.” Fuck off nice conversations, he’s tired and hurt, he doesn't want to play peek-a-boo.  _ Sorry Irene-sunbaenim _ . 

“About what?” Changbin dares to seem concerned, and Felix wants to smack him.

“You didn’t talk to me since I tried to kill myself, Hyung. You didn’t even look at me, it’s like we’re strangers. And then, out of nowhere, you opened that fucking door and make a casual conversation? Why?” Felix is angry and his voice is deeper than what he ever thought was possible.

“I’m… Shit, you’re right. I’m sorry Felix.” Changbin sighs, losing all of his composure. “I didn’t want to act like everything was fine, it's just that… I don’t know. I saw you and I just decided that…” He stopped, unsure of what to say. 

“That what? I’ll be on my knee for you?” Damn Lee Felix that didn’t sound the way it should. “Shit, you thought I’ll talk as casually when I tried to sort out every problem with everyone so bad?”

“I just wanted to stop hiding and to talk to you… I never assumed that we'd act like nothing happened… I just wanted to know if you’re okay… I think the guys are tired of me asking them.” 

Felix’s brain is lost and confused. Because his mind wants to smack Changbin so bad for the way he’s acting. But his heart is melting dumbly at the fact that he  _ cares _ . Changbin asked them how Felix was doing.  _ But get a grip Felix, it’s pure concern for someone who nearly died _ . 

“I’m not following you.” He groans, sending a deadly glare at Changbin. “Shit Hyung. Why didn’t you ask  _ me _ ?” 

When Changbin looks at the floor, Felix takes the time to breathe. He doesn’t want to get all riled up, to be angry because it will only turn messier and worse. He found the strength to stand up and it brings him composure because he’s taller than Changbin. 

And finally he could see him. See how tiny he seems, how tired his eyes are. And his heart and his kind soul remind him that Changbin is a human, like him. That he did make a mistake but as a person, he has the right to defend himself. And Felix should try to listen, before attacking. 

“Why?” His voice sounds less angry and it seems to make Changbin perks. “I just want to know why you didn’t ask before. Why… Why didn't you talk to me?”

Changbin sighs, closing his eyes. He seems so exhausted, to a point where Felix could  _ almost _ feel concerned. But his rage is too strong for the moment. It's here, raging in his whole body and brain. He tries his best to tame it, to stay in control. Changbin’s posture, exhausted and weak, helps.

“I’m a coward, Felix. I was afraid of doing something wrong, pushing you too fast or… hurting you. But in the end, I did it all wrong…” He looks up at him, with raw sincerity into those dark eyes. “I know it. I... I want to apologize. And I didn’t want to act like nothing happened, before was just a… a stupid way of trying to  _ talk _ . To be able to apologize, like I should.” 

“I can get that you were afraid. But after seeing that I talked with all the guys ?” Felix blinks, wetting his lips in an attempt to clear his thoughts. “It seems like you ignored me. Like you just… didn’t care or didn’t want to talk to me. It hurts so much, Hyung. So much.”

His voice broke, like his heart. He misses Changbin a lot but he just tried to act like he didn’t. Now that he’s in front of the older boy who looks at him with kind and soft eyes, with sincere remorse, he just can’t act like he didn’t care. Not when his heart is aching for that boy in front of him. 

“I’m such a coward…” Changbin looks up at him again, with a sad smile. “and I have no excuse. This is not an excuse, it’s… an explanation. I’m sorry to have been so afraid and to not have talked to you. I was just so ashamed of myself…” He stops himself, looking warningly, like he said something he shouldn’t. 

“Ashamed?” Felix asks, not sure of the meaning. Sure, he could be ashamed of his acts. But it seems deeper, by how Changbin reacted. “Ashamed of what?” 

“To not have seen things before. To have let you suffer so much. You didn’t deserve it. Not at all.” He could feel his legs shaking to the amount of feelings, his eyes filled with tears. “And I’m so ashamed of being a coward to my feelings…”

“Your feelings?” Felix gulps, looking at him without understanding. “What are you talking about Hyung?” 

Changbin shuts his eyes again, grimacing. Felix is ready to throw himself out of the room at this point. A flash of Hyunjin passes through his mind. What are they trying to hide from him? It’s burning his brain and making him anxious. 

“I'm sorry Lix, I’m saying things I shouldn’t… I… should just go…” Changbin sighs again and moves to turn and leave. 

Felix feels his heartbroken once more and without controlling himself, he bursts into tears. Changbin turns brutally, wide eyes, almost panicking. He doesn’t hesitate to rush to him, gripping his shoulders. Felix is so afraid to be left alone by him that he throws himself at Changbin’s chest.

When he feels the older’s arms caging him into a hug he cries harder. He missed it so much, to be able to touch him, to hug him. Those arms are the best, the warmest. The safest. And if he could stay in those until his last breath he would. Changbin stroked his hair, hugging him so closely.

“I’m so sorry Felix. In the end, I didn’t change…” Changbin’s breath is hot against his ear, it’s nice. “I’m still hurting you and hiding… I’m so sorry. I… I’m not sure if it’s a good moment to talk. But at least, I wanted to apologize. After the showcase… I think we should talk after the showcase. A real talk, not just me apologizing. But me being honest. I’ll do it, Felix. I promise you that I’m going to explain it better to you. Everything”

“What are you talking about?” Felix finds a way to croak out words, still hiding in Changbin’s neck. “ Hyung I don’t understand… Why being so secretive?”

“Because this is not… the good moment. You have lots of things to do and to think about, you have the showcase. I feel like it would be better once it’s finished. I’m… still not fully ready to talk about it, and I refuse to do it when you’re in this state.”

Felix, for the first time, really hates that “it’s not the moment”. He always respects that, for himself and others. But right now, he wants to throw it at the wall. The only thing that makes him stay calm is the sincere tone of Changbin and how afraid he seems to be. And because Felix doesn’t want to end up in a breakdown right now. 

He takes the time to think over it again, and he decides to trust Changbin on this. Even if the older didn’t prove to him that he could. But he doesn’t want to rush things and honestly? He’s not ready either to talk things out. Because he didn’t confess. And he will, with the showcase. He’s more than determined right now. 

“Okay… Just promise me one thing.” He looks up at Changbin, serious. “Promise me that you will not run, Hyung.”

“I promise.” Changbin smiles at him. It’s barely a little curl at the corner of his mouth. “I need to go this time… Do you want me to call someone?”

“No.” Felix shakes his head, he doesn’t want to deal with someone right now. “I’m… reassured. In some weird way.” 

“Sure?” When Felix nods his head, Changbin sighs but doesn’t add something to that. “Okay, don’t stay up too late, Lix.” 

Changbin smiles and puts his hand on Felix's head, ruffling softly his dark hair. It’s fast and short, Felix doesn’t have the time to blink that Changbin is already at the door. And Felix stays frozen, his heart beating furiously on his chest.

Because of this sensation, this hand on his hair. It was soft and tender, soothing. Felix knows that he could fall asleep just with the touch of it. But the most important thing is that he could recognize this hand everywhere.

It was the same hand that stroked his hair on the roof. 

✨

When Felix went back to his flat, he realized three things. First, Changbin and Hyunjin are hiding something from him and he wants to know what. Secondly, Changbin was the one who stroked his hair before on that dirty roof and it fucks up his brain. Third, he’s in love with Changbin for sure. And with Hyunjin.

“Angel.” He looks up to see Reira at the front of his room. “Is everything okay?” She arches a brow when he doesn’t answer.

“Noona. I think I’m fucked up.” Tears are coming back at full force this time. “I’m in love with two people that are inaccessible for me and I don’t know why my heart decided to fall for them. Am I a joke to the Universe?”

“Oh my…” Reira rushes to him, holding him in his arms. “LOVELY! Bring your cute ass here we have a cuddle emergency!”

He ends up cuddled between the two soulmates, explaining to them the whole situation and how he discovered his news feelings for Hwang Hyunjin and how lost he is. He tried to find positivity in all of this, but he couldn’t. So Reira told him that he could just create a Harem. He laughs at that. They all do.

He can’t control his feelings, he never asks to fall in love with two people. Two taken people. He didn’t even know that he’s into polyamory. And he never thought that he would discover it like this. 

He decided to politely ask the Universe to fuck off. And to just do what he wants and what he feels like. He will go on that scene and dance to The Truth Untold in front of the whole University. No matter what. Even if he breaks his whole body.

At least, when he went to bed that night, he realized that this whole thing brought him something positive: Determination. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good morning, Good afternoon, Good evening or Good night cupcakes!
> 
> Here we are, with some CHANGLIX, and I hope that some of you finally got answers hehe!
> 
> I hope you had a good week, I wish you a good one aha, hope it's going to be okay for all of you.
> 
> Take care of yourself, have good food and drink water!
> 
> Love on you 💖


	18. XVIII

It’s a chill day. The weather is nice, it’s possible to see some white clouds in the blue sky. Jisung is laying down on Felix’s bed, laughing at Seungmin. The chestnut boy is desperately trying to put fake stars on the ceiling. And every time he fails, making Jisung giggle and laugh harder and harder.

Jisung and Seungmin just showed up that morning without saying anything beforehand to Felix. The freckled boy was happy to see them, it would change his cloudy mind. They had a good breakfast and now they’re trying to put those fucking stars on that ceiling. Felix lost it a long time ago.

Seungmin groans in exasperation, putting aside the stars to flop down on the carpet next to Felix. Jisung sends his soulmate a look, biting his lips to not laugh again. But once their favorite chestnut boy looked at Jisung, he burst. He laughs so hard that he falls to the ground.

Felix pats his head and decides to change the topic of the conversation. He didn’t want Seungmin to murder Jisung on his carpet. Because he loves the carpet, he doesn’t want to end up in jail, and losing his soulmate isn’t in his plans. So, he casually asked them what they’re planning to do tomorrow.

“I’m going on a date with Minho-Hyung.” Jisung smiles brightly at the mention of his boyfriend which makes Felix smile fondly.

“You’re always with him. It looks like the two of you are a package.” Seungmin couldn’t hide his smile, more teasing than anything, shaking his head.

“What are you talking about?” Jisung seems scandalized, shaking his head like Seungmin. “No, my package is Lix.”

“Oh, babe.” Felix could feel his heart-melting, looking with admiration at his soulmate, he didn’t hesitate to jump on Jisung.

His soulmate smiles widely and opens his arms at the same time, catching Felix easily. They end up laying on the ground, rolling up. They’re hugging closely, bursting in laughter and giggling. Maybe they threw one or two “I love you”. Seungmin only watches them with a fond smile.

Jisung ends up with Felix on his lap, looking at the chestnut boy with a large grin. Seungmin is honestly happy that they got reunited after all this time. He misses to meet with the two of them and Hyunjin. It’s slowly coming back, to something way more healthier, and it’s for the best. 

“Oh and Minnie… don’t be jealous that I have a boyfriend!” Jisung winks at him, while Seungmin rolls up his eyes.

“I’m not.” He looks at four curious eyes, smirking very slowly to have some effects. “Because I have one too, now.”

He should have recorded their reactions. Jisung’s eyes are big enough, but they look like it's going to pop out from his head. Felix is in the same state but he screams too, a lot. Seungmin’s smile dropped when they both screamed about him finally having a dick. They’re so embarrassing sometimes. 

He was ready to run out of the room when he saw the mischievous glint in the twin’s eyes but it was too late. They both jump on him, holding him in a tight hug. He abandoned the battle fast, taking every chance to have a bit of affection from his friends. It was nice, even if he prefers to die than admit it. 

“So…” Felix begins, on top of Seungmin, trying to stop laughing. “Now I’m the only single one out of the 2000 liner, great.”

“Oh, Babe.” Jisung pouts, stroking Felix’s hair while Seungmin brings him closer to his chest. “You’ll find someone Lix, when it will be the time.”

Felix doesn’t know if he wants to laugh or to cry. Surely both. His brain reminds him of his new love interest and his fucked up way of falling in love. For one second, he thinks of not telling them what is on his mind. But it’s just one second. He’s not in the mood to hide things now.

“Well…” He licks nervously his lips, looking at them with watery eyes. “At this point, my karma will kill me before I can have a boyfriend. Because...I’m in love again.”

Jisung perks at that, looking at him then Seungmin in disbelief. The younger of the 2000 liners is as lost at him. They turn to Felix with wide eyes, not knowing what to say. After thirty long seconds, Jisung clears his throat.

“What? Who?” Felix laughs. But it’s not a real one, it’s a nervous laugh. Seungmin frowns, nervous too now.

“Hyunjin.” Felix ends up by saying it, closing his eyes right after. He doesn’t want to see their expression.

“WHAT THE HOLY FUCK?! OF HYUNJIN?!” Jisung screams, standing up on his feet again. “And what about Bin-Hyung?!”

Felix opens one eye, sighing loudly once he sees the shocked faces of his friends. He wants to hide badly in his bed now, admitting it out loud again is not making him feel better. Or even helping him to find a solution to this evident problem. 

“Well… there is the fun part.” Again, a nervous laugh full of sadness. “I’m still in love with Changbin-Hyung. I just realized some days ago that I ended up falling for Hyunjin too.” He sighs again, looking at his lap. “Look at me, my brain thought: why don’t you fall in love with two unavailable dicks? More angst for you, gonna be more fun for me.”

He looks at Jisung and Seungmin, laughing at his joke. It results in a whole crisis of laughter for all of them and they need it. It helps to bring a brighter side to this painful statement. Jisung ends up in his arms again and Felix sighs loudly, both from sadness and exhaustion. 

“I’m tired of that… I’m so angry at myself at some point when I shouldn’t.” He looks up at Seungmin and Jisung, with a little smile. “I’m trying to stay nice with myself. Reminding me that I didn’t choose to end up in love with both of them but… at the same time, what if it’s a sort of mechanism? What if I’m falling in love only with people who aren’t accessible?”

“It’s too complex for me.” Jisung strokes his cheek, with a little comforting smile. “It’s something you should talk with your psychologist about. But… don’t ask you too many questions babe, not now.” 

“Do you want to do something therapeutic?” Seungmin moves closer to them, looking right at Felix. “It could help you, I don’t know, cooling off?” 

“Oh shit, yes.” Felix nods, finding the idea of doing something therapeutic perfect. “But what ?”

Since they’re creative only with music-related things, it’s hard to find something. Seungmin tries to convince them it would be good to break objects, but Jisung told him that everything here is precious and Felix agrees. He’s not going to break his galaxy lamp. 

Jisung thought about old memories like pictures or old clothes, maybe something that Changbin or Hyunjin wear. But Felix doesn’t have clothes of them or material memories. Pictures are on his phone and he loves them too much for that.

They end up on the carpet, laying down with a cloudy mood in the air. They kept sighing, one of them suddenly standing up with a new idea but shutting down immediately because it wasn’t good. So they end up laying down again, a whole mess.

“Why don’t you…” Jisung rolls up to be just next to Felix, looking at him through his long eyelashes. “Do something with your bottle of vodka?”

“My bottle of vodka?” Felix is more than surprised, looking in disbelief at Jisung and Seungmin.

He doesn’t know why he didn’t think of it earlier. His bottle of vodka… When was the last time he used it? As a coping mechanism? He can’t remember. It seems to be some time since he doesn’t walk with that bottle in his bag, just to reassure himself. It’s even more than that.

He can’t remember the last time he even touched it, or even look at it. He even realized that he doesn’t think of it daily, like he used to. And his cloudy morning full of doubt and sadness transforms itself into a bright and hopeful day. 

Because he did it. He stopped drinking, he stopped bringing that bottle everywhere, he stopped being dependent on it. He’s not gonna touch alcohol anymore because he can’t and he doesn’t want to. But realizing that he doesn’t need his bottle to feel safe… it’s a big step. A really big one.

He wants to hug Jisung, to hug Seungmin, to scream at the world that he’s not dependent anymore. He wants to laugh, to scream, to cry, to jump, to dance. But he only smiled, looking at Jisung right in the eyes. And he nods, sparkles in the corner of his hazel orbs. 

“Maybe you could write something?” Seungmin smiles brightly at him and Jisung, surely happy to see that the idea convinces him. “To you. About your feelings maybe?”

Felix’s eyes are wide because the idea is just perfect. His eyes follow his door, looking for the cute memo he put a while ago. He doesn’t wait one more minute to rush and find a paper and a pen to write. 

And he writes. It’s not perfect but he doesn’t care, he just writes what he’s feeling right now and it’s the most important thing. Jisung and Seungmin end up next to each other, giving him space. They look at him, fondly and surely proud. 

“I’m going to put that paper…” He moves at the same time, taking his bottle of vodka, empty of liquid. “In that bottle and then throw it somewhere.”

“But where?” Jisung and Seungmin end up talking at the same time, glaring at each other playfully right after.

Felix bit his lips, not sure if he could talk about it with them. He thought of doing it alone for one second, then he realized that it’s not what he wants. He wants his friends to be by his side, to have his soulmate with him. He wants to be held and not _alone_. And he knows where he needs to go.

“I have an idea… and maybe it’s not going to be okay for you…” He looks at Jisung, more than Seungmin because he just knows how hard it is. “I want to go to the bridge.” 

Jisung looks at him with wide eyes, his whole face turning white. Seungmin takes him by the waist, to show that he’s not alone and that they’re here, in reality. Felix rushes to him too, feeling sick at the idea of hurting Jisung. They all hug closely while Felix whispers that he’s okay, that he’s not going to die.

“I have some words to say to that bridge.” Jisung exhales loudly, still a bit shaking over the emotion but the distress in his eyes is replaced by determination. “So let’s go.” 

✨

The wind isn’t really strong. It’s strangely peaceful for a Wednesday. Felix could hear some cars and some birds but nothing much. It’s dirtier than in his memories and also less dark. It’s almost bright. The view of the Han River is wonderful. He stays far away from the barrier, though. 

Jisung is holding firmly his arm. Like he’s afraid that Felix is going to run and to jump. Honestly, he was afraid too. He asked himself if he would want to jump again once they're going to be there. He was just scared to see his real feelings and desire, what if everything was a mask?

But he can’t move. He’s stuck on the ground, as far as possible from the barrier. Because he’s _afraid_ . Not to jump, because he didn’t want to do it. He’s just afraid to _fall_. And strangely, it’s bringing him a sort of comfort. Because he didn’t lie when he said that he doesn’t want to die anymore.

He interlocks his fingers with Jisung’s, shaking. He needs to take a big gulp of air and Seungmin holds his other hand. They’re tied to each other, like a soothing promise. No one's gonna jump today. And probably never, Felix wants to write that somewhere. 

“Ready?” Seungmin looks at him, a little smile full of softness and it helps. It’s surely the most calm of the three of them.

“I never know if I’m ready but… I can try.” He takes a big breath, closes his eyes, and walks.

It seems to be an eternity to stand in front of the barrier. Jisung is struggling at his side, but he’s staying. For him. And just that fact makes him want to fight against his dark self even more. He has so many things to win, so many things to love. And it hit him strongly, in front of that barrier with his two friends by his side.

_Lee Felix is not alone anymore._

He’s not alone, he has people behind him. No, he has people next to him. People ready to follow him to a nasty bridge full of hurtful memories just to help him. People who look at him with loving eyes. People who are happy to see him. People who want to see him live and shine.

Felix realized, in front of that river, that he’s not as appealed by the water. Because he’s not drowning anymore. He’s still struggling, it would be a lie to say otherwise. Only now, he’s stronger. He’s stronger because he begins to appreciate that little boy full of dreams and freckles. That boy full of love and laughter, who wants to dance until his last breath. 

He’s not perfect. And he would never be. Because perfection doesn’t exist and would never. He’s not perfect, but he’s himself. He has flaws like everyone else, he’s making mistakes, he hurt people. But he has so many qualities, so many good sides of him. He’s learning to be a better person every day of his life.

And it’s the best gift. Living. Breathing. Learning. Showing to yourself how you can change, how you can become a better person. How you can love yourself for who you are. With your flaws and your qualities. So, who needs a bottle of vodka? 

Slowly, he lets go of his friends’ hands, letting Jisung wrap his arm around his waist. He takes the bottle that was in Seungmin’s other hand. He looks at it closely. It’s old now and he doesn’t have feelings for it. It’s a bottle, just a simple bottle of vodka. 

Not that simple. Because in that bottle, there's a paper. A paper full of words that Felix wrote for himself. The old himself. The one that he let go when he jumped in that river. And maybe, he has things to tell him. He exhales slowly, looking at Jisung and Seungmin with a smile.

“I don’t need it anymore so…” Felix looks at the bottle, the river, and his friends. “Time to let go!” He throws the bottle, looking with a beating heart the whole process. 

They all stayed silent until they heard the bottle hit the water. Felix is feeling excited over this but he’s unable to talk. Jisung is still shaking and he’s afraid for one second that he’s crying. But when he looks at his soulmate, he only sees proudness and eyes full of bright sparkles of joy. 

“DID YOU SURVIVE?” Seungmin and Felix jump at the sudden scream of Jisung, surprised. But Felix knows better.

“NO SHIT SHERLOCK!” He screams as hard as Jisung, laughing at the same time. It feels so liberating. 

Jisung and him are laughing, holding hands. The blue boy seems to have let go of every fear he had, holding with one hand the barrier. It seems like it wasn’t only liberating for Felix but for Jisung too. And maybe for Seungmin. His soulmate looks expectantly at their friends.

“I’m not going to do something like this.” Seungmin shakes his head with a frown.

“Minnie! Come on man, it’s important!” Jisung looks at him with a reassuring smile and Felix only smiles. 

“…” Seungmin sighs but moves to hold with his two hands the barrier and then, suddenly, he screams at the top of his lungs. “HEY, HAN RIVER, DID YOU LOSE AGAINST OUR FAIRY?”

Felix can feel his cheek burning at the nickname. He’s also very surprised that Seungmin screamed this hard. Jisung is laughing madly next to him, jumping on Seungmin, holding firmly his neck. Seeing his soulmate this happy is doing things to Felix’s heart.

“NO SHIT SHERLOCK!” The blue-haired boy screams again, holding his fist in the air as a victory sign.

“Oh, dear God this is too much.” Felix laughs, embarrassed, but he doesn’t care. He just moves closer to hug his two friends. 

“LEE MINHO!” Jisung seems unstoppable. “I LOVE YOU!” Felix is unable to not laugh again, Seungmin snorting loudly next to him. 

“No shit sherlock?” Felix is laughing harder at the sarcastic tone. Even more once Jisung is pouting cutely. 

Felix’s laugh fills the bridge with the bright sky, the bright laughs of his friend, and the hope. Hope to be even happier. Because he’s not alone and he wants to shine. Not only for him… but also because he wants to touch that sparkle of happiness with his friends by his side. 

✨

_Dear hurting soul,_

_I know I should have written before. It must be lonely right? I understand perfectly. I was so alone too… It’s not funny. I know it. Sorry I guess?_

_You’re probably still locked inside the river. I like to think that way okay? Don’t judge me. So… It’s not cool of me to let you drown in the water right? Probably not…_

_It’s just me. Yongbok (I guess it’s cool that this paper is gonna end in the water). Your old friend. I wanted to say some things to you, because you deserve it, little hurting soul._

_Life is not easy. That’s right. It’s not always kind. Because the world is not kind… people can be mean…_

_That’s why it would be cool if we stop being mean to ourselves. Because the world is already mean enough. And we don’t deserve to hate us so much._

_Sure, sometimes it’s hard and you just want to punch yourself. But you should be a friend for yourself, a friend like Channie-Hyung. He would pat your back, look at you and tell you how wrong you were, that it’s not cool to act like this. But he would also say that he’s here to help you and that it's okay to make mistakes._

_So, dear hurting soul, it’s okay. It was okay to cry and to suffer this much. You were wrong sometimes, you acted like you shouldn’t have. But you did your best at that time, I know it. It happens to everyone to be lost and to be hurt. It’s okay now, you’re not alone hurting soul. I’m here. And I’m not gonna leave you alone._

_You’re doing better. You’re happier. You’re safe now, you enjoy life. There are moments where it’s hard but there are so many better things at the end. You have your brothers, your friends, your guardians angels, and your soulmate. It’s okay, it’s okay._

_Thank you, my dear hurting soul, to have stayed by my side before. And sorry, to have been mean to you when you were only suffering._

_I hope you can find your happiness, and go to our Heaven. I’m telling you, you have the right to be free. Like I'm trying to be now. So, let it go. It’s okay._

_With much love,_

_No Shit Sherlock._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good morning, afternoon, evening, night to every of my cupcakes! 
> 
> I hope all of you are fine and safe, that you week was good. At least, I hope this update is making you feel a tiny bit better? 
> 
> It's one of my favorite chapter, to be honest. I really liked to write it and I hope you liked it as much as me!
> 
> This is soon the end... I'm a bit sad, because I really love this story. Like i would say in french "c'est rien, c'est la rue". 
> 
> I wish you a very good week, please be safe, eat and drink well, take care of your little and wonderful soul! 
> 
> Love on you 💖


	19. XIX

“I swear I didn’t plan any of this. I was doing great, wonderful even. I have no idea why my brain thought it was a good idea…” Felix mumbles, his eyes trying to focus on the small ball in front of him. “It was just a moment of fun, and maybe it was because of Jisung. You know, he did this thing where his face looks like a squirrel, and I’m just very soft for him when he’s doing that. I mean, we’re all fond of him when he’s doing it. I’m sure you’ll be too because it’s impossible to not be fond of Han Jisung. I mean, did you look at that boy? Wait, it's not a good question... you don't know his face so no, you never saw him. But trust me, you'll be fond of him. Whatever, after doing his cute squirrel face, he whined. And he became annoying because he can be as annoying as cute you know? It was just a moment of weakness and nothing more I swear, it’s not because I’m an anxious mess, and my brain copes weirdly with anxiousness even more since I’m sober, not at all…” He takes a deep breath, meeting the eyes of his psychologist. “I’m not convincing.”

His psychologist shrugs and moves slightly, crossing his arms on his chest. Felix hates to see him this calm and composed. He hates that, but at the same time, it’s soothing. Because he feels safe, like he can keep gushing and evacuate his feelings without risking to break the person in front of him. 

“The part about Jisung is convincing.” Felix laughs at that, feeling lighter. “For the rest… What did you do that caused you this reaction?”

Felix looks at his psychologist like he’s dumb. What he did is very obvious. Is he joking? He doesn’t seem like he's joking. The freckle boy begins to frown, crossing his arms on his chest. He thought that this man was smart and observant, what a shame if he was wrong from the beginning. 

“My hair. I dyed it.” He didn’t want to sound this harsh but it was stronger than him. “I mean, it’s obvious.”

“I saw.” He doesn't seem to care about Felix's tone of voice, he just sends him a smile, looking at him right in the eyes. “Do you think of it as a mistake?” 

“No… I mean, yes… or no.” He begins to move anxiously, his legs looking away. “I don’t know...” 

“So…” Felix looks up, biting nervously at his lips at the voice of his psychologist. “What does it mean for you? To have dyed your hair?” 

Felix looks at him dumbly. He doesn’t know what to say, at first. He has dyed his hair since he’s sixteen. He never liked black on him other than clothes. He did plenty of color but the orange/red hair remained the most. He tried red at first and it slowly faded to pink. Until Jisung told him to try orange.

He kept this color as long as he could. Until he decided to jump from the bridge, where he dyed it back in black. For him, it was evident to come back to natural, in a sort of way, before jumping. He didn’t think of dying it because he was too tired and busy. And then...

“I… I miss it, dyeing it.” He tries slowly, a whole running of thoughts in his brain. “And I think that I’m scared…” His voice waver slowly, while he looks at the painting on the wall, his throat suddenly tight. “I’m scared to come back to my old self.” 

Here he is. He was simply anxious about trying to dye his hair after a long time and now he begins to spill his worst fear out of the blue. Well, out of the blond since he’s not wearing any blue at all. Letting go of this sentence seems to have break something in him and he asked himself: how the fuck his psychologist do it? 

“Honestly…” The man begins, looking right back at Felix. “If you weren’t scared, I would be.”

Felix opens his mouth in shock, not believing it. He tries to process the idea of being scared and what his psychologist means by that. Being scared seems to be positive. It is? He knows it’s a defensive mechanism. Being scared is good in some situations but then… in his case?

He already had a discussion with him about emotion. For a long time, Felix kept his feelings and emotions to himself, trying to hide it as much as he could. Until he couldn't. It was complicated at first to accept his need to cry. His psychologist told him, one time, that emotions are normal and okay. It's okay to cry and to let out the emotion. 

“Is that… because… I’m… not in denial?” He blinks once, then twice, his eyes, like the thought hit in in the whole face. “I’m scared because I know it’s not the end and things will not miraculously disappear…” 

“I think of that too.” The man smiled at him. “Being scared is normal Felix. You’re aware of your feelings and emotions. You’re also aware of the fact that being depressed can be dangerous. Being scared is good, sometimes. It reminds you that you always need to pay attention to yourself. Now think of it… what does it mean to you? The hair dye?”

“I… dyed it black when I wanted to die. Funny right? Dyed, die…” Felix snorts at himself, feeling his eyes watering at that sad wordplay. “I didn’t dye it back to orange because I’m not my old self. And I needed… to finally cut the bond with the old one. Like I did with the bottle of vodka and my letter…” He needs to stop, feeling a rush of emotions taking him. Tears begin to fall from his eyes and a big weight is taken away from his shoulders.

Again, it’s the realization that hit him. On the bridge with Jisung and Seungmin, he acknowledged the fact he didn’t want to die anymore. That he’s not alone. But… Did he realize the whole implication of it? Did he realize his strong want to live? 

Probably not. Not in his entirety. But now, he’s realizing it. And Felix embraces that feeling. That feeling of relief. He gave peace to his hurting soul as much as he did to himself. He’s okay. He’ll be okay. Nothing is going to happen like last time. Because he’s not the same. And it’s not a color that would change the fact that Felix is a bit more in love with himself than yesterday.

“I’m going to be okay…” He whipped his tears with his sweater, looking at his psychologist with a smile. “I’m not gonna turn back to who I was. Even if I struggle, I’m not the same. I learned to love myself more and… and I’m okay.” 

His psychologist offers him a smile. One of those soothing smiles. The kind of one who helps Felix to feel better, to not be ashamed of breaking down. To know he’s safe here and that he can let his brain process things. He accepted help and he’s stronger than before. 

They stayed silent for some minutes. It’s calm and it helps, to be honest. Once Felix is calmer but he begins to nibble at his lips. Other thoughts are coming back at full force on his brain and he knows it’s the time to finally talk about _that_ topic. 

“So… You know about Changbin-Hyung, right?” He looks at him expectantly, it’s almost funny to see the way he looks at his psychologist.

“I know only what you told me, Felix. It’s your first love…” He marked a pause, like he’s waiting for Felix to correct him. “He’s one year older than you and works closely with Jisung and Chan. He’s in a relationship with Hyunjin. Hyunjin who is your friend and you get your closure with him.”

“Well…” Felix exhales loudly, looking at him with a fake smile. “The thing is that my karma decided to open another door that I never thought of.” He takes a pause, looks at the wall, then his psychologist. “I thought a lot about Changbin-Hyung and my feelings for him. I think… that I tried to persuade myself that it was not love. That I fell for an image, that my poor depressive brain twists things. But… we met, not long ago. And he was… so sad. And secretive. He told me he has something to tell me, that he’s going to explain himself about his behavior better and I… I just realized I still love him and it hurts. A lot. And it convinces me that I need to confess, with the Truth Untold. I need to tell my story. I need to… the thing is that… something changes.” 

He stops and tries to put order in his thoughts, looking at his psychologist. As always the man is looking at him with attention. Felix isn’t feeling any pressure and he’s always amazed by that fact. Also by the way that man takes so seriously his love life…

“What changed?” He comes back to earth at that question, pouting in a very desperate way.

“I… well. Hyunjin and I talked and took a closure about what happened, for sure. But… not really if I think of it…” He frowns, shaking his head. “He’s keeping something from me. I know it. But for most of it, we talked and cleared things. He knows about my feelings for Changbin-Hyung and he told me to just do what I need to do. And… Well, before that, he kind of broke down in my arms. Because he was scared of losing me and… I just realized at that moment, when he was in my arms… that I’m also in love with him.” 

Saying it to his psychologist is way much different than saying it to his friends. Or to himself. It hit differently, strongly. Felix let himself go limp into the chair, exhaling loudly. He doesn’t know what to do about that fact. 

“These feelings for Hyunjin, they changed something for you?” Felix nods, closing his eyes. “What is it, exactly?”

“I… kinda fear of cheating with my heart.” He bites his lips again, moving anxiously his legs. “I kept thinking about the fact that I’m just falling in love with the wrong guys. Hyunjin is taken by Changbin-Hyung! What if it’s just another way for me to destroy… Me?!”

“If it’s the case, why wouldn’t you fall in love with Seungmin? Or Jeongin? Or Minho?” Felix frowns, shaking his head.

“I can't, they're my friends and all in love with my other… oh.” Felix stops realizing what his psychologist implies. “Ok, so it has something to do with Changbin-Hyung, right?” 

“I don’t know, Felix.” The man smiles softly at him, like he’s reassuring him. “Is that what you want me to say?”

“I… Please. Help me there. Is that my destructive self or just me being weak and falling in love like I eat vegemite?”

His psychologist seems a bit taken aback by the comparison and chuckle softly. He shakes his head and crosses his arms on his chest, leaning into his chair. It makes Felix anxious, he wants to know what he’s thinking but he’s not a master at reading minds.

“I can’t tell for you, Felix. It can be possible like it could not be. The thing is that you’re conscious, you think of that possibility. Which is good, because this means you’re trying to put words on your emotions and to understand them.” 

“Okay, so I’m back to point zero. I don’t know in which fucking shitty thing I went to.” He rolls up his eyes, hard.

“Since when did you realize you have feelings for him?” 

He never asked himself this question and he doesn’t even know why. It sounds almost logical. When did he fall for the Hwang Prince? It’s blurry in his memory. He seems to have been in denial for so long that he’s not able to tell at which moment he fell in love and not just realized he was in deep shit, and not sheet, unfortunately. 

“I… Well. I would say I realized I was in love when he broke down in my arms. And that my heart was beating like crazy, I wanted to protect him and to keep him in my arms for the rest of my life… don’t make me continue it sounds cheesy and I’m not that greasy.” His psychologist snorts again, they both know humor is his biggest coping mechanism. 

“And… now, that you have some step back over the whole situation… Are you able to tell when you fall in love? And what makes you fall?”

“That, no…” Felix furrows his eyebrow, trying to concentrate over this. “I think… that it’s the way he thinks of me. I realized how important I am in his life, how… loved he makes me feel. And…” Without realizing Felix begins to smile, eyes sparkling. “He has this way of smiling when he’s really happy. His whole face turns cuter and almost innocent. It’s the same when he laughs, Gosh. His laugh is adorable and funny at the same time. Seeing him happy is… relieving, I would say. He’s handsome, for sure. A very beautiful boy but… he’s just more than a pretty face. He cares so much for people around him that he gets overwhelmed easily, trying to be sure everything is fine. He’s such a good boy, always trying to help you and to give you advice. He… I’m just realizing that I always loved to talk to him, you know? And… he feels like home…”

Maybe his love for him has been stronger than what he thought. And maybe he's been in love for a long time already, he just tried to hide his feelings. Because loving two people isn’t usual. And maybe he was just in denial again. 

He was so focused on his love for Changbin that it blurred everything. It even blurred his inner suffering about himself. Or he just tries to convince himself of that fact. Anyway, he probably tried to think his love wasn’t real because he was afraid. 

Loving someone that is already in a relationship with someone else. Loving two people. Loving a couple. It’s a lot to take. But it’s not impossible and it doesn’t matter. Love is love. And damn he has the right to be in love.

“Holy Fucking Shit.” He groans loudly, closing his eyes. “I’m in love with Hwang Hyunjin and Seo Changbin. Dammit. That’s the end. My karma has a thing for masochism at this point…”

“Life is not easy, that’s sure." The man chuckles again, waiting some minutes for Felix to breathe before asking. "So, with coming to that conclusion. What will you do now?”

“I’m going to go on that scene, to perform my song. It’s the only thing I’m able to do right now. And I’ll confess to Changbin-Hyung. I have no idea if I’m going to do the same to Hyunjin but eventually… I… will just focus on me and my performance.” 

“Your performance. You were hesitating again last week. What about it now?” Felix is almost shy to talk about it.

“I know I want to do it. I’m… happy with how I turned it. I did a great job, I can be proud of me. Oh shit, I said it…” Felix opens his eyes widely, turning red. 

“That’s great, Felix. To be proud of you.” His psychologist sends him another smile, warmer, and it gives him courage.

“I’ll tell you how I rock that then… Seriously, I’m going to give my best. And… I hope I’ll come back with good news. For me. Just… prepare the tissue.”

“Don’t worry, Felix. I’ll be there to wait for you.” His psychologist nods softly with that sort of reassuring smile.

It was enough to calm the racing heart of Felix. Even if this is going to turn upside down, he will not be alone. He’s strong enough to face it, whatever would come. He will not let himself drown again, not after all his hard work. He’s sure that BTS would say the same to him. Don’t give up.

_Yeah, Felix. Don’t give up boy. Bright as much as you want, it will be your day. Don’t live with regrets, live with dreams._

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good morning, good afternoon, good evening, good night my little cupcakes! 
> 
> I hope you got a good week and that your weekend was relaxing... or at least that you'll have a relaxing time with that chapter, I don't know, I hope to aha! 
> 
> I thought it was important to incorporate that discussion before jumping into... THE moment aha. Btw, no one points that out but I just want to tell you that I didn't name up the psychologist for you to feel more... comfortable, in a way. Like this you can just imagine him as you want (well I still said he has blue eyes in previous chapter buuut).
> 
> I wish you a good week and I'll see you next week for... THE moment 👀
> 
> Please, take care of you and never hesitated to found me on my twitter if you need to talk, eat well, drink well please!
> 
> Love on you uwu 💖


	20. XX

It’s been a long time since that feeling of anxiety ran through his whole body. He could feel it in his throat, in his shaken up legs. His heart is beating frantically in his chest to the point where it hurts. It’s difficult to breathe, accentuated by the warm and oppressive atmosphere of the backstages. He closes his eyes, feeling awful, and scared right now. 

And he feels alone. Alone and afraid. Afraid to show his most vulnerable and precious side of him. Afraid to finally let himself speak. And he can’t stop thinking about running. He still has time to back off, after all, he just has to sneak out and run…

“Babe?” The world seems to suddenly stop, all of the noises fading into a stuffy sound and all of his attention is on Jisung. “I knew you needed me. I did good by sneaking there…”

Felix doesn’t care and doesn’t listen more to Jisung’s rambling, throwing himself on the open arms of his best friend and soulmate. He just needs to be held, to be covered from the rest of the world. To be protected. He needs to feel safe for a second, to have someone able to ground him. He just hopes to not crush every bone in Jisung’s body…

“Well, I miss you too, Lixie.” Jisung isn’t bothered at all by the situation, holding Felix firmly against his chest. “Ah, I know. Your pretty mind is killing you uh? Without any meaning behind it, right.” Felix squeezes him, unable to mutter a single word. “Hum. It’s normal. I want to tell you that it’s okay but we both know it’s a lie. Well… I know that this evaluation is important for you on many levels. It’s your solo, it’s for your grade, but it’s also for you. You’re scared, right? What a question…” Jisung put his free hand in Felix’s blond hair, a sweet gesture that is soothing enough for him to breathe again. “It’s scary and new. But you know what? You’re strong enough to do it. Maybe you’re not believing it, but I trust you. I trust you, so trust me. I know you can do it. I know you can go on that fucking stage and dance your whole heart out. You worked enough, you did enough… You’re enough, Lix. You’re enough and you’re going to shine brighter than the sun, you’re going to show us what you have in you.”

Once he feels secure enough, Felix detached himself slowly from Jisung’s warm embrace. Hugging his soulmate at that moment was the right thing to do. It’s like Jisung took the anxiety of him, put him in a bubble of protection and love. A reminder that he’s going to be there. Forever. 

He takes the time to breathe and to look in his soulmate’s eyes. There, in those warm brown doe eyes, he saw everything that he needed. He can see the determination, the serenity, the trust. He can see how sincere Jisung is. And it was enough, indeed, to make him believe in himself.

“It’s your time, Lixie.” Jisung’s voice is laced with emotion, his eyes holding all of his love and his proudness. “Show them who Lee Felix is, and free yourself from your feelings. Make your love dance away. Show me.”

“I’ll show you…” Felix lets out a breath he was holding for too long, his nerves calmer because of Jisung. “Thank you…”

“I got you.” Jisung smiles brightly at him, holding all the love in his eyes since Felix holds all the stars.

“You got me.” They both smile at each other, letting their foreheads meet to bathe in that calm and loving atmosphere before the storm of emotion that is going to happen…

✨

When Felix walks into that scene, he feels strangely calm. Is that because of Jisung? He has no idea. He’s the last one to pass. He couldn’t assist Minho and Hyunjin’s duet because he needed to prepare himself. He heard from Jisung that they did great, it’s not a surprise knowing them and he’s so relieved. 

But it’s not the time to think of it. He gulps, closing his eyes one last time. Here he is. Standing in a whole room full of people that he loves. In many ways. He stands there, deciding to drop his barrier, to show them who Lee Felix is. And especially who Lee Felix is while loving.

He’s going to do it and even if a big part of him is scared, another one is proud. Proud of his determination, of his hard work. Proud to not have given up. On life, on himself. Proud to stand here and to be able to show that he’s alive, talented… and madly, sadly, in love. 

He positions himself, taking a deep breath, letting his body take control. Making one with his emotions, with himself. Connecting to a deep and secret part inside of him. A part that he hid. And it’s when the light appears on him, when the music begins, that Lee Felix is going to talk. (A/N : You should listen to The Truth untold by BTS now).

_ Full of loneliness, This garden bloomed. Full of thorns, I bind myself in this sandcastle _ .

Felix created something. He created something to hide. He was so alone. So alone and unable to reach anyone. So he built his prison, full of beautiful lies, and secrets. He created a perfect mask, a perfect prison where most of his smile and laugh were faked. 

Every moment with Changbin was another flower that kept growing inside of his prison, of himself. Because Felix was his prison. And these beautiful moments were imprisoned by thorns. His thorns, his lies, his doubts. The one he tried to hide and forget but who painfully created wounds.

_ And I know, All of your warmth is real. The blue flower your hand was picking. I want to hold it but _ ...

Changbin has always been warm and kind. Felix fell in love with him because of that. Because of his warmness and kindness. He felt safe with him, he loved the way he was with people around him. People that he cherished. Changbin always loves too much and fully, showing how important his friends are to him. 

And Felix got the chance to hide from his fears into those arms… but he wanted more. He wanted to stay there, to stay protected from the world by Changbin. It was so easy to hide with him. He didn’t have to talk, just to seek comfort from the older. And still, Changbin always found a way to make him talk. A little bit, a little more. 

_ It’s my fate. Don’t smile at me. Lie to me. Because I can’t get closer to you. There’s no name you can call me _ .

He tried. He tried hard to stop his feelings, to not get closer. Because he knew it wasn’t possible. Changbin deserved better, someone stronger, prettier, nicer. Someone able to make him shine even more. They weren’t meant to be, but still… he was madly in love. 

Madly in love with every smile, every joke, every attention. Everything that Changbin allowed to show him. Every secret whispers between them during long nights, every fear, every dream. Every touch. Just everything about Seo Changbin. 

_ You know that I can’t… Show you me, Give you me. I can’t show you a ruined part of myself. Once again I put a mask on and go to see you _ …

It wasn’t possible. He couldn’t show himself. The real Lee Felix. Because he was ugly, he was full of thorns and breaking pieces. Something that he couldn’t show to anyone, but certainly not Changbin. No. He wanted to be beautiful, to be acceptable. So he hid, constantly. He hid his suffering behind a mask. 

It was the only way for him to be close to Changbin. Hiding his ugly self. He tried desperately to stay happy, the Sunshine boy. It was easier when Changbin was with him, smiling, giving him attention. When they were talking, Felix felt like he was the only one in the room. Something that he likes about Changbin, his capacity to give attention.

_ But I still want you _

Oh yes, he wanted him. He still does. Even when he told himself it was impossible, that it was not right. He still wants him, to hold him, to give himself to Changbin. Even more now that he understood how wrong he was about himself. Now that he’s able to look at his reflection and to see how beautiful he is. 

Knowing this makes him want Changbin even more. Make him realize that he has the right to love, that he deserved someone good. Someone good for him. And Changbin is good. He’s wonderful and full of love. But it’s not for him, unfortunately. 

_ Bloomed in a garden of loneliness, a flower that resembles you. I wanted to give it to you after I took off this foolish mask _ .

He realized his movements became softer, not as sharp as he was used to. It’s like his body is in perfect connection with his emotions. The light turns from a deep blue to a lighter one, illuminating his whole self. Illuminating his pained and sad face.

Even if he tried his best, his feelings grew insanely fast and strong for Changbin. For sweet words, every interaction, every smile. Something special, unique, beautiful grows. Like a deep burgundy Geranium Zonal ***** . Strong and beautiful. Something that he wanted to offer to his Hyung. 

_ But I know, I can't do that forever. I have to hide because I'm a monster _ .

And he never did. He couldn’t. He couldn’t even think of showing himself to Changbin. So how could he confess his love? His only solution was to hide. To hide and never give too much of himself. It was his solution. Even if he was hoping for something different, hoping to found the strength.

The strength to not hide. To be himself and to let his heart talk. But he couldn’t. And like each time, he kept closing himself off. Forming a small human ball, full of sadness and loneliness. Is he crying, while dancing his pain away? 

_ I’m afraid. I'm shattered. I’m so afraid. That you will leave me again in the end. Once again I put on a mask and go to see you _ .

He couldn’t do anything else because he was afraid. So afraid of losing everyone and everything around him. But mostly Changbin. What if he indulges his desire? Would Changbin accept his feelings? And then, when he would have found something better, would he leave him?

Him and his broken heart? Him and his broken self full of lies? He couldn’t imagine Changbin leaving him. It would have destroyed every remaining piece of his shattered heart. What was he supposed to do?

_ The only thing I can do in the garden, in this world, is to bloom a pretty flower that resembles you and to breathe as the me that you know. But I still want you.. _ .

So he did what he thought was the best. Looking at him from afar, sharing brotherly moments that made his heart flutters again and again. He created something unique only for the two of them, inside of him. He lets that scary yet wonderful feeling of love blooming, trying to only show him his nice side.

Hiding every piece of pain, every scar full of sadness and breaking feelings. Just showing his smile, his joyful side. Because it wasn’t complicated to be happy next to Changbin. That’s why it was so easy to hide. And at the end of the day, when he bathes and grips on that beautiful feeling… He still wanted him. So much. 

_ Maybe back then, a little, just this much...If I had the courage to stand before you, would everything be different now _ ? 

Another setting of light. Another him. Another part of his life. It’s brighter, like him, yellow. His doubt. When he came back to life, when he was able to take a step back on his life and feelings… He asked himself so many questions. About himself, about what he did back then.

If only he had confessed, showing his true self… would it have been different? If he had confessed, what would have happened to Hyunjin and Changbin? It wasn’t good to keep questioning fate and life. So he eventually stopped. 

_ I'm crying. That’s disappeared, That’s fallen. Left alone in this sandcastle, looking at this broken mask _ ...

He’s crying. He can feel the wetness on his cheeks, his breath coming harder than before. Harder than when he’s dancing. But he doesn’t care, he can cry. He can cry as much as he wants, he has the right to do so. And he’s going to finish his routine. No matter what.

He’s alone in his battle, nor Changbin or Hyunjin could be his. It’s how it is, how life is. He looks back, at the mask he uses to show his two sides. The mask is broken on the floor. Like his heart was. And Felix feels happy. Happy to let go of his fears. And happy to have repaired his broken self. 

_ And I still want you… _

He’s not the same. And still, he stands on this stage today, loving the same boy. Being still madly, sadly, in love. But this time, he knows he can. He knows he has the right to be in love, he has the right to show himself without fearing anything. 

Because no one can say anything about him. He’s Lee Felix, full of love and joy, full of sadness and fear, but he’s himself. A boy that is learning. A boy that wants to live, wants to love. And if some people are bothered, they can nicely go and fuck themselves. No one is going to tell him who he should love and who he should be. 

_ But I still want you... _

And as proud of himself he’s, he still wants to hold Changbin’s hand. He still wants to walk next to him, to laugh with him, to share those beautiful and perfect moments. He wants to hide in his arms, wants to be loved. And it’s okay, it’s how he’s. But it’s hurting. Hurting so much.

_ But I still want you… _

He still wants to love him as much as he’s doing. As much as he loves Hyunjin. The reality of this hit him suddenly, even more than what he thought. He still painfully wants to have Changbin by his side. He’s in love and he’s not ready to let go even if he just wants him to be happy. 

Because he’s not egoistic. He doesn’t want to break them, to destroy their love. He wants them to be happy. He wants them to smile, even if he needs to be next to them as a friend. Knowing they’re happy is enough for him.

He falls on his knees. A bit too hard but he can’t avoid it. He’s exhausted, so exhausted to have let go of his feelings, to have finally shown the rawest part of himself to Changbin. And when the final note of Jimin’s voice is echoing through his brain and the room, he looks up.

His whole body shakes when he meets Changbin’s tearful eyes. His cheeks are already wet from previous tears, his face looking so sad and so in pain. Like he felt it. Felt what Felix tried to share. And it was enough for him. Because Changbin listened to his dancing.

Felix is looking right at him, eyes full of tears and love. Because he will not hide anymore, he doesn’t want to and he doesn’t have to. It’s like this, raw and sincere, that his routine is done. Him, mouthing the last lyrics, while looking right at the Love of his life. 

_ And I still want you. _

✨

When he finally moves to the backstages, his heart is pounding loudly in his chest and his breath is heavy. Everything seems blurry around him but strangely, he’s not afraid or anxious. He feels lighter, better. But the uneasiness on his chest is still here and he doesn’t know why. 

He thought that it would be gone once he would have danced. Dance his love, his pain, his feelings away. For sure, it helped. It helped so much to share his feelings through his body. To finally let himself fully talk, using what he hated so much to express himself. So why is he feeling still like something is missing?

He doesn’t have the time to think more about it when a body collides with his. Someone is hugging him closely, holding him firmly, protectively. It feels good and Felix authorizes himself to close his eyes and to bathe in this warm embrace. He hides his face in the neck of the person holding him, breathing the soothing scent. 

“I’m so fucking proud of you, you can’t imagine how wonderful you were on stage…” His heart beats shyly at the compliments, while the person continues to mumble against his ear. “You did good, so, so good. That was perfect and beautiful, and…” The voice is shaky, full of unshed tears. “I… I’m just so proud…”

Felix finally looks up, meeting the warm brown eyes of Hyunjin. He needs to gulp and to control his tears, he doesn’t want to shed sparkles of emotion right now. But the way Hyunjin looks at him makes everything difficult. It’s full of emotion, of proudness. It’s raw, sincere, and it brings butterflies into Felix’s stomach.

He opens his mouth, ready to thank Hyunjin but the Prince is suddenly pushed to the side and the next thing that Felix sees is Reira holding him while crying. He blinks, too surprised to react, only managing to hear Hyunjin’s indignant protestation. But right now, he just feels his noona crying and it was the last thing he needed to hug her back.

Mae is more composed. Well, it’s just an image, she’s close to tears and it makes Felix pouts at the view. He’s not used to seeing his girls crying, or being on the verge of tearing down. When the older girl joins the hug, Felix does his maximum to engulf both of them. He doesn’t know how long they stay like this, glued to each other. 

Mae and Reira whispered praises, words that are only meant for him. It’s like a secret between the three of them. And maybe that’s better, to share discreet words and feelings just between them. It’s meaningful, precious, special. Specials like their bond. 

“Next time, warn me. I didn’t know I would end up sobbing like this.” Reira wiped her tears, sighing softly. “Angel, you did it.”

“He fucking did! That’s my bro! Come on, man, you did so great!” Matthew lifts Felix from the ground, making him laugh with surprise. 

“Hyung! Please be careful!” Chan almost trips, trying to look up for Felix while Minho laughs his ass off, followed by a tearful Jisung.

“Babe!” Jisung whines cutely, trying to hold on to him while he’s still in Matthew’s arms. 

“Damn, boys, let him breathe!” Reira used her strong voice, frowning at Matthew and Jisung.

“Bold of you to say this when you were the one pushing me to crush Lixie…” Hyunjin looks at Reira with a little pout, folding his arms on his chest.

Minho arches his brow, sharing a look with Reira, before they both decide to look right at the Prince. Hyunjin suddenly shrinks on himself, hiding behind Chan. He knew these two could be a disaster together and he doesn’t want to eat tissue again. Or to be cooked. 

“Calm down, calm down.” Mae couldn’t stop her laugh, shaking her head with fondness.

Eventually, Matthew let Felix go and he could be held properly by Jisung, Chan, Minho, Seungmin, and Jeongin. All of them shared their amazement at his performance and how impressed they’re by his talent. No one said something about his confession or Changbin and he’s glad for it. They’re respectful.

It’s when all of them congratulate him, that he finally saw Changbin behind them. At this moment, his heart decided to beat furiously. When their eyes meet, Felix feels the emotion bolt up on his face, tears gathering at the corner of his eyes.

Changbin is here, face full of tears, eyes red and puffy, looking desperately at him and he just doesn’t know what to think. So he did what he’s best at now, he lets his body decide for him. He moves unconsciously, craving to have Changbin in his arms. The older boy isn’t better, running to meet him.

It’s hard. So hard to hold Changbin. Because they fit perfectly in each other's arms. And it’s harder to hear the older boy crying against his shoulder. Hard to realize they came this far, that it’s the end of an era. They’re not the same as before, and their relationship will not remain the same. 

It has changed for a long time, they hold too many things, they hide too many secrets. But still, they desperately need to be in each other's arms, to hold firmly the other. It’s as soothing as painful. It’s there that Felix finally let go of the thing he needed the most to tell. The thing he desperately tried to hide and forget.

“I love you, Hyung.” He chokes, the lump on his throat suddenly going away, the burden on his chest flying. “I’m fucking in love with you Changbin-Hyung.”

“I understood, I understood, Felix.” Changbin’s voice is not better, his arms holding Felix's firmly. “I’m so sorry to not have seen this before…”

Felix cries. A lot. It feels so good to have said those words. He hides his feelings for too long and he can finally let them go. And now he can feel it. He finally did what he was supposed to do a long time ago. The uneasiness is gone, for good.

And he knows that everything is going to be okay because he’s sincere and honest. The only thing that matters now is him. Sure, he loves Changbin and Hyunjin. But he loves himself more. 

_ “You will feel good, you will do great, you will love yourself because you deserve it, Lee Felix.  _

_ No shit Sherlock ?” _

When he would look at his door and see that paper again, he would always remind himself of this moment.

✨

When Changbin finally let Felix go, they all decided to move to Matthew’s flat to celebrate this day of Showcase. It also includes Mae and Reira, even if the older woman was more interested in Jeongin and his well being than the party. Seungmin also used that opportunity to talk with her, because they both love to share their point of view on many topics.

Felix had the best time of his life. Everyone seems happy and in a good mood, sharing memories and nice games. It’s only loving and a nice crisis of laughter, weird cocktail fruits with no alcohol. Felix has lost count of how many times he laughed or smiled. He just knows that his stomach is hurting since he laughed too much.

It’s late in the night when he meets Changbin and Hyunjin in the kitchen. They’re all tired and no one has the energy to care. The three of them are leaning against the counter or the table, smiling and doing small talks. 

“It’s late…” Hyunjin states, yawning loudly against Changbin’s shoulder. “We should talk tomorrow, don’t you think so?” 

“I almost forgot about that.” Felix sighs, feeling too relaxed to be angry or upset. “But you need to finally spill your secrets. I have no idea of what you’re hiding from me but you must be honest. And no backing off.”

“I promised you I wouldn’t run off.” Changbin scoffs, looking up at him with a little smile. “I’m sorry for making you wait this much. If you want we can do it now…”

Felix shook his head, hiding himself in his warm hoodie. It’s weird how it’s so easy to be with them without feeling guilty now. Hyunjin laughs and yawns again, deciding for all of them that it’s time to go to bed. Nor Felix or Changbin said the contrary.

Once Felix is sandwiched between Hyunjin and Jisung, who immediately glue him in his sleep, he suddenly realizes that nothing was really about Changbin. And that he felt guilty about himself, to have hidden his feelings. To have forced himself to suffer in silence. He just needed to be honest, because Felix isn’t good at lying. 

He smiles, slowly letting his mind join dreamland. Happy, proud, and relieved. He reaches his goal, at the end. And now he’s less scared. Because no matter what will be said tomorrow, he’s sure of something.

_ He would always have himself to stay grounded and love. Because Lee Felix is his first love… _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Geranium Zonal is Changbin's flower birth. 
> 
> Good morning, good afternoon, good evening, good night to my baby cupcakes! 
> 
> Hoping your week wasn't too rough and that you had a soothing weekend! 
> 
> I'm also hoping that you don't hate me too much for the end of that chapter (:
> 
> The showcase finally happened! I'm excited to have feedback from you ^^ 
> 
> Have a good week, take care of yourself please.
> 
> Love on you 💖


	21. XXI

It’s the ray of sunshine who woke up Felix. A body is glued to his back, a leg around his, an arm thrown over his waist. Another body is right against his chest, a leg in between his. He needs a moment to understand who is who. He’s not surprised at the end, rolling up his eyes. Jisung and Hyunjin didn’t move from their spots since the previous night…

He just doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do. He wants to move, to stand, and to drink water and a hot chocolate. But right now it seems impossible. He hears a chuckle on his right, looking up to see Minho’s sleepy face. The brown boy smirks, a mug of coffee in his hand. Felix glares at him for not helping.

“Okay, okay, I understand…” The cat boy whispered, moving to be next to Jisung. Felix could see Seungmin and Jeongin on the couch, sleeping soundly next to each other.

Minho found a way to detach Jisung from Felix’s chest without waking up his boyfriend. It causes the blue boy to attach himself to Minho, which seems to not bother the older boy at all. Felix sends him a thankful glance, moving slowly from under Hyunjin’s arms. Once he’s able to breathe, he exhales loudly.

He waits a bit before pushing himself on his feet, looking from left to right. Mae, Reira, and Chris are talking outside on the little balcony, eating breakfast. He doesn’t want to interrupt the old people so he decides to move into the kitchen. He needs to drink water and to eat, he’s hungry. 

When he steps in, he smells pancakes. It seems to be the only thing that they eat these days and it makes him chuckle. He hurries to take a bit of orange juice, deciding to drink water later on. At the same moment, Changbin enters the kitchen too, bed hair going in every direction possible.

The blond boy laughs while the older sends him a glare, sitting loudly and without any grace on a chair. Felix couldn’t hide his smile, finding Changbin always cute when he was sleepy and not in the mood to talk. He loses his smile once he remembers that, actually, they need to talk.

Since the adrenaline from yesterday calmed down, he realized that he will finally have a clearer view of Changbin’s mind, thoughts, and feelings on the whole situation. And properly about Felix’s feelings, since they didn’t abort that yesterday. 

“Gosh, I didn’t drink but I’m feeling so tired…” Changbin groans, cutting Felix in his thoughts. “I’m going to sleep for the rest of the week once I’ll be home…”

“Mood.” Felix nods, deciding to sit on the counter, playing with the aim of his sweater.

They stayed silent for a while. To Felix’s surprise, it’s not something tense, oppressing, or weird. It’s almost… soothing. He’s kind of glad because he doesn’t need more stress after yesterday's roller coaster of emotions. He deserves a break for once. Well, if the Universe lets him in peace. 

“Do you…” Changbin clears his throat, looking at Felix with sleepy eyes. “Do you want to talk now or…” 

“Hum… It depends.” Felix bites softly his lips, looking behind Changbin. “I think that both Hyunjin and you want to talk to me and it’s… I don’t know. I have the feeling that you’re both hiding the same thing to me?”

Changbin looks embarrassed but at least he nods. The dark-haired boy seems to think more than he ever did in his whole life. Felix is not better. He’s pretty lost about the whole situation. Something is off and it seems almost… too easy. To be there, talking. 

Hyunjin knew about Felix’s feelings for Changbin. Since when? Felix has no idea. But it’s way before their conversation about the showcase. When he told him that the song is going to be a confession, Hyunjin doesn’t seem surprised at all. To the opposite of Changbin who wasn’t expecting it. 

So, it seems that everyone was aware of Felix’s feelings except Changbin. It’s not so surprising, in a way. Their group of friends never loved to involve themselves in other problems when it wasn't their place. And they're not the type of people to put someone against a wall to force things out either. But if one of them needs help they can safely go to any of the boys.

It’s just that they’re not going to spill discussion between themselves. That Hyunjin stayed silent about Felix’s feelings isn’t surprising. They always tried to be more respectful, with eight people it’s complicated. But it worked, most of the time. If you forget their lack of communication… it’s getting way better, though. And now they will act differently, it was a good lesson. 

“You’re right. It’s something that we need to talk about with Hyunjin, since we… both hide something from you. And it’s bound. I mean… the two of us? Gosh, I’m sorry. I don’t want to make you even more lost…” Changbin sighs loudly, shaking his head.

“You’re bad at talking, baby.” Felix startled with surprise, holding his chest. “Sorry, I tend to do that a lot these days…”

“You scared the shit out of me!” Felix whines, grimacing at the feeling of fear still going in his body. 

“Don’t kill us, please.” Changbin groans, patting the back of Hyunjin. “Up to talk, Love?”

“Well… We need to go there, one day.” Hyunjin smiles, turning his head to face Felix with soft brown eyes. “Ready?” 

Felix’s breath is getting caught up in his throat. Because Hwang Hyunjin is beautiful under the soft light of the sun. With a beautiful smile and soft eyes. His consideration isn’t helping the poor freckled-boy heart to calm down. But he nods anyway, jumping from the counter with a little sigh and smile. 

“Never. But I love challenges so… let’s go.”

✨

“So… where to begin, uh?” Changbin chuckles nervously, looking at Felix’s hazel eyes with a little smile. “I’m sorry Felix, I try to think again and again…”

Mae and Reira sensed that it was the moment to make their little family go away for a while. To let Felix, Changbin, and Hyunjin have their talk. The two girls take everyone on a nice coffee trip. Still, Reira had gripped Changbin's shoulder with a terrifying smile. Leos could be scary when they want.

"Hyung, it’s okay.” Felix grips Hyunjin’s hands who sits next to him, playing nervously with his fingers. He’s kind of glad to have the Prince with them. “Just… don’t worry too much and talk freely, hyung. I’ll tell you if I don’t understand or if something is bothering me. Don’t give me the sorry thing, we get through that. Just… do it how you want to do it.” 

Changbin looks at him with a tender smile and soft eyes, the kind of look that hurt Felix. And makes him melt at the same time. He didn't let go of his feelings for his Hyung. It seems to have grown stronger and stronger with him finally accepting it. It wasn’t in his plan but what could he do? 

“So…” Changbin wets his lips, reaching for Hyunjin’s free hand. Will it turn into a magic circle or…? “I think I need to put context here... For as long as I can remember, I loved Hyunjin. Even before knowing you.” Okay, nice to hear, Felix is feeling like a clown but that’s just the beginning and he needs to stay quiet. Not his brain though. “And then… then you appeared. With your bright smile, your eyes who hold all the stars, your cheeks full of constellations… Sorry, I’m getting carried on.” Changbin’s cheeks are as red as Felix’s at this point. “When I saw you, I knew I would fall for you. I’m straightforward for once but you know what, fuck off subtility, and secrets, it never works.” He sighs, looking right at Felix’s eyes and his poor brain is already not functioning anymore. “I thought you were too perfect for me. For real. The more I get to know you, the more I thought you didn’t deserve someone like me… At the same time, I was still in love with Hyunjin. I never stopped. It’s when I realized that I'm able to love more than one person. It's also how I learned about polyamory and it was a hard time for me. To accept the fact that I can love more than one person and that it’s okay. And out of nowhere, when I finally accepted that part of me, Jinnie confessed. Since I thought you would never love me, and since I had pretty strong feelings for him… We decided to be together. I had the stupidest idea ever by trying to hide my feelings for you. Gosh…” 

Changbin stops for a while, out of breath. It’s not easy to share that kind of information and feelings. Felix’s whole body and mind are racing, he wants to jump and scream at the same time. He’s trying to hold on to the fact that Changbin clearly expresses his love for him but he doesn’t want to believe it. So he stays quiet and waits for the next part to come. 

“I tried to hide my love for you because I thought it wasn't a good idea. You deserved better and… and I was so lost? Don’t think I was ashamed of loving you, it’s not the case and it would never be. But it wasn’t a good solution but… I didn’t want to lie to Hyunjin. So one day, I told him.” Hyunjin nods, and slowly, squeezing Changin’s hands before turning to face Felix. 

“I’m not going to lie, I was surprised and jealous.” Hyunjin looks at him with guilt into these beautiful eyes. “And it’s the reason why I turned to be so harsh on you sometimes. I was... angry. I felt like I wasn’t enough, I couldn’t understand what polyamory was. I needed a long time and lots of talking with Hyung to finally try and understand better. I never hated you, I couldn’t. And I wanted Hyung to be happy. He never asked me to do anything, it was really on my own. So…” Hyunjin smiles softly, making Felix’s heart beats furiously. “I tried to see you differently, the way Hyung could see you. I observed you, the way you were with others… I began to notice a ton of little things that slowly changed my mind.”

“It’s around that time… when you begin to feel bad and to put distance.” Changbin and Hyunjin shared a look, a painful one. “We didn’t understand. We were reaching a point where we wanted to… talk to you. To find a solution maybe? About us, I mean. We also wanted to understand why you were acting that way. And… like everyone, we decided to give you time when in reality you needed us the most.” Changbin chokes on tears, hiding his face with his free hand. “I’m sorry…”

Finally, Felix moves to take Changbin’s free hand from his face, shaking his head. It was okay to cry. And like this, they look like they’re going to summon a demon. Not something that he’s going to do, not when Changbin confessed to him. Is that a dream? Because his heart is not going to support it.

“Then… I’m sorry, can I continue?” Hyunjin looks at Changbin with worried eyes but the older boy nods his head. “Okay… You know Lix, when we talked last time? I told you how I thought that I would never feel happiness once I believed you were dead?” Oh yes. Felix nods, trying to hold back the tears at that memory. “It’s when I realized everything. It hit me out of nowhere and…” Hyunjin's eyes are on him again, but their intensity makes him forget everything around him. “I realized that I couldn’t stand the thought of losing you. That you have your place in my heart. A special place… Felix. I’m in love with you. Deeply in love, to be honest.” 

The last part was barely a whisper. Words full of softness and raw sincerity that wash over Felix. It gets right through its heart and he finally begins to understand the undertone of that conversation and he just couldn’t believe it. 

_ The boys he’s in love with love him back.  _

It makes him lose control over his emotions but at this point, he doesn’t care. He lets it come to him, let his emotions take control and he burst into tears. It’s too much for him, too good to be true. And like a reminder, two bodies collide with him, wrapping his shaking frame into something soft and safe.

“So…” He chokes on his tears, feeling a hand brushing of the sparkle of water on his cheeks. “You’re telling me… that you’re both in love with me? Right?” 

“We… Yes.” Changbin nods, trying to chase Felix’s tears with his thumbs. “We are. And we… maybe it’s not the time to tell you this, but we thought about… going out together? I mean. Gosh…”

“Baby, that’s not the time…” Hyunjin mumbles, almost laughing at his boyfriend’s clumsiness. “We wanted to be honest with you and let you choose. Bin-Hyung never expected you to confess to him yesterday so it turned his brain into a fryer mode…” 

Felix couldn’t stop his laugh to burst all together with his tears. The situation is as funny as ridiculous. They’re in love. With each other. For a long time. And they couldn’t find the strength to talk it out before. 

“I… I need to tell you something, too.” Felix takes a bit more control over his tears, staying close to the two boys, latching into their warmness. “Something that is going to put us through a really easy solution.” 

Changbin and Hyunjin are frowning, completely lost. Felix can’t even believe that this situation is something real. They got through so much for the solution to be that easy? It’s going smoothly. Finally, the Universe is sparing some good things to Felix. 

“I’m actually in love with you too, Hyunjin. I realized that not long ago and I…” He doesn’t know what to say, smiling brightly. “I just… realized it, yeah. How much you mean to me and how beautiful, inside and outside, you are. I planned on confessing to you. But I wanted to do it with Binnie-Hyung first since it was… complicated but. Yeah. I love you. I love the two of you.”

He expected a lot of things to happen. But not Hyunjin to burst into loud sobs and to latch onto him. Felix looks at Changbin with worry, but his Hyung seems too shocked to react, eyes also red. The freckled boy tries his best to hold the Prince against him, rocking him softly. It doesn’t last long until Changbin begins to cry again.

Felix took a deep breath to calm his heart and his tears. They were a mess, with tears, hugs, and love. It was normal. They hide so many things to themself, they suffer so much that their hearts need to cry the pain away. Like Felix did with his dancing. He tries his best to hug both of the boys, supporting them in their crying mess.

“Shit… It’s not a dream.” Changbin snorts through his tears, looking at Hyunjin and Felix with hope. “Are we clear on the fact that we all love each other? Because now I’m feeling on cloud nine and I just… I can’t believe it?”

“Me too.” Felix nods, sighing to bring composure to himself. “I love the both of you. For real. It’s not a dream. I’m in love with the two of you…”

“Now I’m going to be the impatient one.” Hyunjin groans, looking up with worried eyes. “Lix, would you be our boyfriend?”

“Oh my God, you couldn’t find a more romantic way?” Changbin laughs, kissing softly Hyunjin’s cheek. 

“I waited too much, I’m sorry.” Hyunjin whined, fresh tears still in his eyes. “But I don’t want to pressure you Lix… and here am I, asking you to be our boyfriend…” 

“I get the feeling.” Felix laughs, fond of them. So fond of them. “I think… I think we need time. To talk more, to understand more everything… But, I want us to discuss relationships, boundaries, what we want. Maybe today isn’t a good moment. But it’s needed. If we want us to function… we need to be clear and honest. We need to communicate.”

He understood how much communication is important in a relationship. And he’s not going to make the same mistakes as his past self. He learned. He learned and he wants to make this work. By the faces of the two love of his life, they seem to be on the same page.

“Gosh, yes.” Changbin nods with determination. “We need to talk and to be honest with each other. I want this to work, I don’t want to see any of you suffer again. Never.” 

“True. I just want to give you all my love. Us… I love that term. Please can we do a cuddling loving pile right now?” Hyunjin pouts and Felix is weak. For them. And hugs.

“Come here.” Felix opens his arms and laughs when his Hyungs throw themself at him.

They end up into a weird cuddle pile. They manage to found a position that is perfect for each of them. Felix feels loved and it’s a bit weird. To feel this good with them. His smile is big and he’s unable to tame it. He doesn’t want to either, he’s happy and he wants to show them. 

It’s there that he feels peaceful. Like he reached something important. Something important and incredible. He finally did it, he reached all his goals. And he wants to have a new one, he wants to grow up again and again. While realizing that, he begins to laugh loudly.

“What’s on your mind, Angel?” Changbin mumbles against his neck, looking up slightly to see his face. Hyunjin hums, doing the same thing.

“It's just that… I was thinking that the Universe hated me to make my heart fall in love with the both of you… but it seems that he’s quite fond of me, at the end.” 

Changbin’s burning face and Hyunjin pretty coos makes him happier and prouder. He couldn’t stop himself from kissing both of their cheeks, being attacked by kisses too. He laughs even louder and he’s drowning again.

But drowning in love, this time. 

✨

Life can be really funny sometimes. It’s been three weeks since the showcase and things are going smoothly. Felix and his whole group of friends fall into something peaceful and nice, where there isn't any lingering tension and it feels so good. Good to the point where Felix could focus entirely on his relationship with Changbin and Hyunjin.

They took the time to talk again. About what they want, their idea of a relationship, how they want to make it work. What were their boundaries, their limits, sexually and personally. They learn how to work as three, which isn’t easy, but they’re in love and they talk. Slowly, but surely, it’s going to something healthy, loving, and peaceful. 

To the point where they are officially a throuple. And Felix couldn’t be happier for the moment. He’s with the boys that he loves and sometimes he just can’t believe it? It seems too good to be true. But he reminds himself that he worked for that, and he has the right to be happy.

But today is a bit complicated. He woke up feeling sad and anxious, he went to his classes late and nothing worked the way he wanted. It was still hard sometimes, he’s still sensitive over small things and he knows it’s okay. He needs time. It’s with a heavy heart that he opens the door of Changbin’s flat. 

He’s hit with the smell of his boyfriends and it’s comforting. He hurries to put his shoes and bag aside, walking into the living room to see Changbin working on his computer with Hyunjin laying down, his head on their boyfriend’s thighs. The view makes his heart burns with love. 

When he looks at their happy faces, their beautiful smiles when they see him, he just can’t say anything. He doesn’t want to bother them with his feelings. He doesn’t want to put them in a bad mood when they’re so peaceful. He’s ready to put his fake smile on when suddenly he stopped in his tracks. 

“Lix? Are you okay?” Changbin frowns and Felix realizes he has the choice to lie or to tell the truth. 

The choice to go back to his old self or to move on. 

“No, I’m not… I had a shitty day…” Tears began to spill from his eyes and his heart hurts. In a fucking good way. 

He begins to sob, letting go of all of his sadness and anxiety from the day. It feels good to let go and to let the tears slide down his face. He opens his arms, asking for affection. Hyunjin is the first one to jump and to softly bring Felix in his chest. The blond boy cries harder, snuggling himself to the taller boy’s chest.

Changbin put his computer aside, moving to be next to Felix and to press himself against his back. Like this, Felix is protected by them. His anxiety is falling fast, for once. And he can just focus on his inner feeling of sadness. Both boys stroke his hair and back, letting him cry as much as he wants. 

He finishes by calming down slowly, feeling already better. He’s tired but his body is lighter and his chest isn’t hurting as much as before. His day is over now and he can just hide from life with his two boyfriends by his side. 

“Feeling better, baby boy?” Felix blushes at the mention of his surname, nodding softly his head. “You want hot chocolate?”

“And kisses.” His voice is a bit hoarse but he doesn’t care. Not when Changbin coos at him and pecks his lips softly.

“That’s not okay to be this cute.” Hyunjin mumbles while Changbin laughs and moves to prepare the hot chocolate. “Can I have my kiss too, baby boy?”

Felix obliges happily, pushing his lips against Hyunjin’s one with a pleasurable sigh. Baby boy is the name they decided to use for him and only him. If Felix loves it, he can’t help being overly shy when they use it sometimes. Surely not because Reira bluntly asked if they used it in bed too. 

His thoughts came back to Hyunjin only when the taller boy deepened the kiss, making him whine. It’s something that he realized with them too, but he’s so needy. And sensitive. To the pleasure of his boyfriends… He loses count of how many times he ends up on his knee or his back just because he whined. 

“Love, calm down.” Changbin’s voice isn’t threatening at all but it makes both of them stop. “Two hot chocolate for my pretty boys. Move your cute asses please, Baby Changbin is coming.”

Felix giggles and he swears Changbin and Hyunjin stopped their activities to look at him. Sometimes, he thinks that his boyfriends are a bit whipped for him… Just a tiny bit, though. But he wouldn’t be the one pointing it out. Jisung is doing it already for him every time he can. 

Changbin moves to be on the couch too, bringing Felix closer to him, on his lap. He took the time to put multiple kisses on his neck making him giggle again and again. Hyunjin chuckles fondly at them, putting one of their favorite shows on, bringing himself against Felix’s side. 

They stay like this the whole evening, ordering takeout from Felix’s favorite restaurant. They watched their show, laughing madly together while cuddling. And Felix forgets his bad mood, forgets his bad day. He could finally explain his whole breakdown to his boys without feeling guilty. It’s with kisses and reassurance that he falls asleep.

And he falls asleep knowing he can trust his boyfriends. Knowing he did good. Knowing that he’s happy with himself and that he’s not alone. Falling asleep with a smile on his face knowing the day ends well and he’s so proud of his choice. To not have lie. 

_ You’re a fucking good person, Lixie. I’m proud of you and again, I’m falling in love. With myself. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good morning, good afternoon, good evening, good night to you cupcakes! 
> 
> FINALLY. AFTER 21 CHAPTER. FINALLY. Honestly, I'm so weak for happy ending... at first, I didn't want Felix to end up with Changbin and Hyunjin at all. It doesn't seem to fit with the story and how he was slowly going to something healthier and better. But... I coudln't stop myself, I love Changbin and Hyunjin and they didn't have it easy too. So here we come! 
> 
> Next update... Ah... gonna be the epilogue, the ending... THE ending. I'm really sorry, I don't want to end it too but it's how life works... ): 
> 
> I hope you had a good week and a good weekend, I wish you good luck for the next to come and don't forget to take care of yourself please ): !
> 
> See you next week!
> 
> Love on you 💖


	22. Epilogue

“I should write a book…” Felix plays with the little ball that he adores so much, sitting cross-legged on his chair. “I would name it No Shit Sherlock.”

His psychologist laughs. It’s one of the first times he heard him laughing. Chuckling, for sure, snorting, a lot. But laughing? Not usual. He’s proud of himself for that one. He realized he loves to make people smile and laugh. It makes his heart vibrate with softness.

He’s doing it a lot lately, smiling. He smiles all the time, and it’s a real one. He smiles when he wakes up, smiles when he sees his boyfriends, smiles when he's with his soulmate, smiles when he's dancing, smiles when he's having his hot chocolate time with Mae and Reira...

“Well, if you want to do it…” The man smiles at him, crossing his legs. “It could be a good idea.”

“Indeed.” Felix smiles again, before looking at the ball in his hands. “I’m feeling good these days. My friends told me I’m smiling all the time, that I look like the sun. They kept calling me Sunshine. I love it. I look better and better.” 

“That’s good.” His psychologist nodded before looking at him. “And you, what do you think exactly?” 

Felix hums, looking at the windows. What does he think about that whole situation? He’s feeling better, for sure. He’s more confident in himself, more confident about talking and communicating. He saw the difference already. He’s less tense since he begins to systematically tell someone when he’s not feeling good.

It's also good for his mind. He's not trying to control everything all the time, he lets his emotions express themselves. If he's sad, he's sad. If he wants to be alone, he explains himself. If he wants to be cuddled into love, he asks. 

“I’m doing good.” He smiles again, looking at his psychologist. “My anxiety is better. And I saw with my doctor about reducing the meds already. We’re going slow, the goal isn’t to run.” 

“That’s good to hear.” His psychologist wrote something in his notebook. “And now, do you have a project? What do you want to do?”

He thought about it a lot. Now that he’s feeling better and that he knows how to take care of himself, he’s not obligated to continue his therapy. He could stop it there, knowing well that he could see his psychologist every time he wanted to. 

_ But he has another idea in mind _ .

“I’m turning a page.” He smiles again, looking right into his psychologist’s eyes. “But it’s not finished. My new life just begins and I feel safe and pretty good. But I still want to see you, I need to understand. I know that my fears came from somewhere, that it’s deeper. We talked about it already. And I feel ready to work on that, now.”

“About what, exactly?” Felix takes a deep breath, smiling almost sadly this time, but it’s okay.

“About my family… It’s time to open another book this time. Still ready to hear more about my dark humor?” He jokingly says, already feeling emotions coming.

“As much as you need.” That soothing smile, those soothing eyes, everything that he needed. “I’ll just have to call the direction to bring more tissues.”

This time Felix laughs loudly into his psychologist’s room. It could be weird for someone else, they would probably judge their relationship. But if he learned something with him, it’s that everyone is different. It’s their way of working, it’s their boundaries and no one has something to say.

So Felix begins to tell his story. The deeper one. Those weird memories that slowly got back to his mind while he began his therapy. He’s opening another book of his life and he’s glad to do it. He would not stop his work, because he feels like he needs it. And this doesn’t mean he’s not good with himself.

_ He’s good and he’s going to get better and better, he already wants to open his arms to life and embrace this wonderful thing. _

✨

Jisung was humming a melody, his eyes closed, and his head resting on Felix’s thigh. The blond boy was trying to finish a paper for one of his classes but the soothing and melodious voice of his soulmate sounds like a lullaby to him. 

It reminds him of the time when Reira got hella angry, screaming and cursing until Mae started to sing softly. Riera's whole body suddenly relaxed, she stopped her screaming and she was almost falling asleep. Felix is still impressed by that day. 

Apparently, Jisung has the same power over him. Well, it wasn’t like Another Day, 19, and Close weren’t his alarm to wake up… He’s kinda obsessed with Jisung’s songs. It comes to a point where Jisung sends him a short audio clip of him singing, just to help Felix to sleep when he can’t.

Changbin’s arms, Hyunjin’s finger on his hair, and Jisung’s voice are the perfect ways for him to fall asleep. He loses the count of time where he used this method to go to bed without any stress or nightmares. A whole mood with finals exams…

“Lixie…” Felix snaps from his thoughts, moving his hand to squeeze softly Jisung’s. 

“Yes babe, I’m here. We’re in my room.” He tries to whisper more than talking, not wanting to scare Jisung with his deep voice.

He begins to notice how it’s really useful and reassuring for Jisung when people tell him where he is. Especially when he was almost asleep or too concentrated in his thoughts. The blue boy could get anxious and tell him in detail where he's always soothed him. 

“Hey Lix… I need to ask you something. But I’m not sure about it…” Jisung looks up to find Felix’s hazel eyes, biting his lips.

“Sure bare, go for it.” He smiles, trying to reassure Jisung as much as he could. It was rare for his twin to be anxious about something when it comes to Felix.

“I want to record Sunshine again.” Jisung seems to finally breathe after his first words, still trying to come up with more. “But with the eight of us! It would be… meaningful. And different from the first one… I… I need it. That song is just… It’s so you. And I need to...”

“Calm down…” Felix couldn’t stand to see Jisung in such a messy and anxious state. He snuggles against him, kissing softly his cheeks. “Calm down, I’m right here and I’m listening…”

Like Felix can relax with Jisung’s voice, Jisung relaxes with Felix’s presence and arms. It works like magic, like a sort of soulmatery tricks. The blue-haired boy leaned on his soulmate, sighing into contentment. They stayed silent for some minutes, bathing into each other's presence. Just the time Jisung can relax enough for him to talk again.

“I… want to do another version. Lighter. I need to put another memory on that song. With you in it… My Sunshine boy…” The last part is barely a whisper and it makes Felix’s heart beating faster and harder in his chest. “Your story. Coming from death to life, turning this song into something new and stronger. With the eight of us."

Felix would always be amazed by Jisung. For lots of things that he just can’t enumerate, it would be too long anyway. But sometimes, he’s just blown away by his soulmate’s ability to just _ know _ . Jisung always knows what to say, how to link Felix’s feelings with words. He’s able to know what Felix needs in life.

Or maybe they’re just connected to the point where they feel the same and have the same needs. He doesn’t know and surely wouldn’t be able to tell. He’s just happy and grateful to have Han Jisung by his side. He presses himself on his best friend more, nodding slowly his head.

_ He doesn’t have to think more about it, the answer was already here since the beginning _ . 

“Let’s do this.” He whispers against Jisung’s ears, nuzzling against his best friend's neck. 

Nor Jisung or him added something that day. They just stay in each other’s arms, being bathed by the warmness of rays of sunshine. Like the Uniserve sent them approval to their decision. When they both opened their eyes to meet each other's faces, illuminated by the sun, they just knew that nothing was a coincidence.

And again, it’s how the official and last version of Sunshine was born. And how Felix turned from wanting to hear Jisung’s voice while taking his last breath to hear it first thing in the morning

✨

“By all Gods where is that shit…” Felix mumbles, his brows frowning into annoyance while he searches for his clef. 

The three boyfriends are late. They need to go in five minutes if they want to be on time at the Soulmate’s flat. And Felix doesn’t want to hear Reira and Mae scolding them to be late. Those two can be monsters with punctuality. He tries to reassure himself, knowing Jisung and Minho would probably be late. 

If Jisung loves something more than seeing his friends it’s surely getting fucked in the morning by Minho. The kind of detailed Felix’s never asked but knows anyway since his soulmate can’t keep something away from him. Sometimes he regrets a tiny bit Jisung’s big mouth. 

“Baby boy! Where is my last hairband?!” Felix rolls up his eyes when he hears Hyunjin’s shouting from the bathroom.

“On your wrist Love!” He nearly jumped at his deep voice, sometimes he even scared himself.

“If it would be on my wrist I would have seen it!” Hyunjin’s voice echoed again in his ears until he heard a little whimper. “... I’m sorry baby boy, you’re right…”

“Like always!” Felix can’t stop his smile to appear on his lips, his annoyance turning into something different.

His boyfriends always found a way to make him smile through his bad days and his moments of irritation. He sighs happily, finally finding his keys. He can’t stop his laugh at himself, putting them in his backpack, checking again if everything is right. He just needs to put the cookies and the brownies into his bag. 

While he’s trying to see if everything is fine, a pair of arms encircle his waist and he can’t stop the long shiver that he can feel in his whole body. Changbin always does that to him, it’s wonderful. Felix is way too sensitive sometimes, one-touch from Hyunjin or Chanbgin can rile him up. 

And right now, nasty thoughts appear in his head when he feels those arms around his body. Last night they were doing very good things to him and he wouldn’t be against getting bent down at that table. He blushes at his thoughts, shaking his head and trying to put sense in his mind.

“Did you pack everything baby?” Felix turns his head to the side, looking at Changbin’s eyes with a smile.

“Yep.” Changbin shakes his head, making Felix turning completely to face him. “But… You forget to pack me.” His little pout is way too cute for Felix’s well being.

“It’s because I want to unpack you, baby.” Felix coos at his boyfriend, kissing him softly and lovingly. 

Well, until Changbin decides that pushing Felix against the table was a good idea. And Felix really wants to be at his guardian angel’s flat on time but he’s weak. Really weak. Especially when Changbin’s mouth is on him. And he will not talk about his boyfriend’s arms or dick. 

“Sorry to interrupt because the view is damn hot, but we need to go to the beach!” Hyunjin’s voice cut them, Felix turning bright red. “We’ll fuck later, now it’s time to go!” 

Felix loves Hyunjin more than anything else in the world (okay, it’s a lie, because he loves Jisung to another level). He always knows when and how to stop something when it’s not the time for. Changbin pouts, again, but moves to take his bag. Felix looks dumbly at his other boyfriend who winks.

In the end, they finally move out of their flat on time. But once Felix bent down to put his bag in the car, they kinda got carried on. 

✨

Chan sighs softly, appreciating the ray of sunshine against his skin. He feels warm and relaxed for once. It’s the end of their exams, the beginning of their summer break, and everything is finally fine. Everything and everyone around him seems to have found a balance and it feels good.

His eyes lingered on a blond boy, his heart softening immediately. Felix is laughing loudly in the sand, getting hugged by Hyunjin. The Hwang Prince is nuzzling against his neck as joyful as his little brother. It makes his heart unbelievably soft for his friends and kids. He’s even softer when Changbin joins them and kisses them each. 

The rest of the kids are playing in the sand and the water, Seungmin trying to push Minho into the sea. Jeongin and Jisung are laughing, not trying to help any of their boyfriends. Chan shakes his head fondly at their antics, absolutely not surprised. He looks up to his girlfriend once he hears her laugh. 

She smiles at him before sitting into the sand, observing the boys playing and loving each other. Chan is sure that they both look like an old couple looking at their child with the fondness that only parents can have. But he sees that her eyes lingered more on Felix with a deep and big fond smile.

“Smiling looks good on him, right?” She turns her head to face him and he doesn’t have to ask about who she’s talking about.

“Oh yes.” Chan nods, feeling his heart beating more at the implication of that sentence. Felix is smiling brightly and it’s wonderful after all things he’s been through. 

“So.” Reira plays with one of his hands before sending him a glance. “What do you think of him, now?”

“What do you mean?” He brings her closer to him, interlacing their fingers. 

“Is he like before? You know, you talked to me about that little boy being happy and bold, smiling brightly. You were missing him.” She asked softly, almost like a whisper. 

He remembers well that moment. It was before his talk with Felix. He was always thinking about his old little brother, the excited little boy who was jumping and laughing all the time. He missed seeing his friend smiling. Depressed Felix was scary and he lost the count of time where he wanted to cry because of it.

While looking at Felix now, he asked himself if he looks like the old one. The old little boy. And well, he doesn’t. Life puts scars on him, bringing a sort of maturity into those beautiful hazel eyes. Sometimes Felix isn’t smiling and looks bothered or just lost in his thoughts. The opposite of the careless little boy he knew.

_ And you know what? It’s okay. It’s madly perfectly okay.  _

“No, he’s not.” Chan looks at Reira with a blinding smile. “He’s himself and it’s even better.”

✨

Later that day while everyone is sitting on the sand, putting food and drinks for dinner on the sheet they bring especially for that, Felix is standing, looking at the horizon. They’re on a little cliff where the view of the sunset is perfect and breathtaking. To the point where Felix could only focus on that. 

Jisung is more focused on Felix. Felix and his glowing skin, Felix, and his beautiful smile. Felix and his bright eyes, almost gold with the light from the sun. Slowly, the blue-haired boy stands and walks to stand just next to his soulmate. 

By automatism, their hands joined. They stay silent, Felix looking at the magnificent view, feeling extremely grateful to just be alive right now. Alive, with his friends and lovers, his soulmate, looking at the beauty of life. He breathes deeply, inhaling the nice air of the ocean, closing his eyes.

Jisung can’t stop looking at his soulmate with a large smile. He seems so peaceful and relaxed. Life is good, definitely good, especially when you’re having Lee Felix by your side. This only thought makes his heart soften. He’s so grateful to have found Felix. He can’t stop to say, when he looks at that peaceful smile. 

“You look happy…” It’s almost a whisper between the wind, Felix, and him. Something secret and warm.

Felix broke into a bright smile, full of light, and joy. It takes Jisung's breath away for a second. The sun seems so pale next to this boy, and Jisung wants to cry at the view of his best friends bathing in the dimming light of the solar star. It looks like a dream. A beautiful dream. Sunshine seems to not make him justice.

That bright and wonderful boy turns to him, hazel eyes full of sparkle. It looks like gold and diamond. Like a night full of shooting stars. The constellation named Lee Felix is shining brightly and Jisung is the happiest spectator of it. It’s full of brightness, that Felix lets out in a deep and soothing voice. 

_ “No Shit Sherlock ?” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good morning, good afternoon, good evening, good night...
> 
> It's with emotion today that I post the last chapter of No shit Sherlock. It was a wild adventure with lots of emotions for everyone. I'm not regretting to have let my thoughts wandered to the plot of the story during quarantine. It's probably the work that is the most important for me, because it was really a pleasure to write it and most importantly, to see how useful it was for some of my readers.
> 
> I want to tell you how thankful am I, to all of you. Who kept commenting, who left kudos and who kept reading this story until this day. I'm curious to know which person was here since the beginning, other than my dear soulmate, aha. 
> 
> I hope that this story brings you comfort, helped you in some ways, and showed you that you should love yourself first. That life isn't easy for sure but you can always work through it and become happier. And you have the right to do it, to be happy and to want to live. 
> 
> It has always been the first message of that story: love yourself, love yourself for what you are, being your first love. It wasn't about Felix's soulmate, Felix's boyfriends. But how he learned to love himself in order to love others. Because your greatest love will always be you. 
> 
> Once more, thank you, to all of you. I'm saying goodbye to this story, to Felix's bottle of vodka, and to his sarcastic self.
> 
> But it's always going to be in my heart, right?
> 
> No shit, Sherlock?


End file.
